6 weeks!

The last 6 weeks have gone past like a blur. You forget how demanding a newborn is, and add a toddler who wants your attention, it makes life interesting. However there are so many things that have gone right.

Little Mr Z had his "bris" 8 days after his birth. This is a traditional circumcision, and went without a hitch. It is also where he was named. He handled it really well, and I was grateful that they use a local anaesthetic (something they were not doing when my first son was done), so less tears for Mr Z, and less tears for mummy. (PS I am not getting into a debate about circumcision). I do find it amazing how many people came up to me and touched my now empty tummy, or just me - someone even touched my scar, which was not very pleasant. Comments still come in, but that is what you get. Still it was a well handled morning, and I was glad it was over with.

I get asked if Mr Z is a good sleeper - I always find that an interesting question, a newborn sleeps as a newborn sleeps. What is a good sleeper at this age?

So far he is putting on great weight (just like his brother), and we are getting enough sleep. He is very different to his brother - only wants to be cuddled by me (most of the time), doesn't like being swaddled and is very alert. He is going through his first mental leap which makes things quite tough.

Second time around the things which work better is I recognise his hungry cry to his sleep cry - and find it easier to settle him. I also am not as caught up with what I have been told to do (or it will kill him). Things like co-sleeping at night is a must for me to operate. There is so much evidence on the benefit of mother and child co-sleeping, especially when it comes to breastfeeding. Once he is 12 weeks, we will instigate more of a routine, and I will try to transition him to his own bed at night. The way he is going he should be double his weight and ready to sleep through the night. I ended up co-sleeping by accident with my first as I kept falling asleep. This time around I just went with it, and it has been working well.  I just make sure it is done safely.

Anyway I have a hysterical toddler who wants something from the bathroom but doesn't know what, so better try and deal with it. All the fun of the fair :)

A most amazing day.

So yesterday was a very special "birth"day. I didn't sleep much (maybe two hours) as nerves got the better of me. I also got to enjoy those last internal kicks and guesses to whom I was about to meet. My husband also woke early and we both showered and went off to the hospital. It was 6.30am and the roads were empty. We got there ten minutes later. I was taken straight up to our room and got changed into my gown. I was starting to get very anxious at this point. Not sure I was ready yet to meet my baby, scared of the procedure and recovery and just... Well ... Scared. 

I was taken down to surgery, and met the anaesthestist who was lovely. She went through the procedure with me, and I was reminded of going through it with my eldest. My obstetrician showed up, and was so accommodating of my wishes. It was amazing to go through this journey with him. From conceiving my son to birthing my second child. He also did my IVF transfer which resulted in this baby. My husband went off to put on scrubs and to come and hold my hand. I was wheeled into theatre and I had a local put into my hand. They then put in a drip. I was then instructed to sit on the edge of the bed and to try and curl over (which is so hard when you have a baby sitting in your front!). I then had another local before they did the spinal and also put morphine into my spine. It was not tinge most pleasant experience and was the part I dreaded the most. I started to feel dizzy so when I could lie down again (while I could still feel my legs) I just flopped down. The sheets went up and they started. First I got a catheter and then the pulling and pushing started. As requested the sheet came down to introduce us to our son. I also got my request to delay cord clamping. The sheet went back up and they closed me up. 

We then went to recovery (my husband and son went first and met us there), where I was given more pain relief and they observed me. They kept checking to see that the spinal was dropping as it was a little high up on the body. I also started with our first breast feed. Unlike my first son, this little one took a bit to get going. I must admit I was worried we may struggle, but by day two he has worked it all out. I also was itchy all over - seems to be a side effect of the morphine in the spine. Anti histamines fixed that up.  

As for me, I have amazed myself, my doctor and nurses by just how well I've bounced back. When I had my son, I could barely move the first day up. The third day I was still struggling. This morning (when I was allowed to get up) I got out of bed with no problems. I've been moving around really well. It's surprised me. I need to remind myself I only had him yesterday! 

My heart is so full. My oldest is infatuated with his baby brother. And my journey through infertility has come to an end, but my journey as a mother has just begun. 

It's the final countdown.

In a few hours I will meet you, hold you, kiss your little toes. In the last few hours of this pregnancy I am feeling so much. My nerves are through the roof, I worry about your brother, I'm nervous to find out if you are a boy or girl and I reflect on this journey. So much has happened to get here, and although it's the end of the fertility battle for me, it's the start of a whole new love and life. Seeing you that day on the ultrasound screen is still a dream for me. When all seemed lost you still fought on. My little fighter. You love to kick your legs across my belly in big swipes. If I touch your little leg you respond with a kick. And if you hear your brothers voice the flutters start up again. So much personality before we even meet. So goodbye pregnancy, goodbye this long journey and happy birthday to my precious little fighter. We can't wait to meet you. 

37 weeks - made it to term!!!!

So today marks 37 weeks. Who would have thought we would get here!! Less then two weeks until I meet this little one and we start our next chapter. I started maternity leave this week, and my gorgeous work colleagues made me feel absolutely spoilt before I left. So very special and different to my last workplace. Sleep is elusive but I'm enjoying preparing and getting ready. My son has a bag full of big brother gifts and snacks for when he is visiting. I've finally packed my bags and just getting small things done. I've had a lot of Braxton hicks and I'll be curious to see if bub is fully engaged at my check up tomorrow. I still think this baby has other plans :) 

Still I am term!!!! Could not be more excited!!! 

30 weeks and getting bigger!

 I am now down to fortnightly checks! This is always the fun part as we get closer to meeting this baby! I had my gestational diabetes test a week ago, and felt awful. Nauseous, tired, lethargic, unable to eat. The whole weekend I just wanted to drink and get that glucose out of me. I know I felt bad with the test when I did it with my son, but this reaction made me convinced I had GD this time. Thankfully I am negative!!! I don't have it. I felt like celebrating, as having GD would have landed me back as high risk, and  mentally I could not cope with that!

I am also now in the officially uncomfortable stage. I am not sleeping well at night, in pain (Whooping cough damaged my left ribs so when the baby moves up they always cause a lot of pain), back pain, aching legs and generally just feeling my 30 weeks :) This weekend was very painful, as I had a lot of stomach pain and this baby was deciding it would practice being an acrobat. What I suspected was right, and this bub flipped around and is now finally head down in my pelvis. And that hurts!!!

So now is the fun guess what sex I am having. So far the old wives tale tell me it is a girl, but other things say it is a boy. What do you think?

Girl :
- Still stick and vomiting (when I cough it sets me off, I barely vomited with my son)
- Dry hair (with my son my hair was great, even my hairdresser mentioned my hair was dry)
- Heart beat at 160 (having said that so was my son, but according to the old wives tale...)
- Tummy bump according to some is a girl shape (with my son I had a lot say it was a boy shape)
- Sweet food (I couldn't even stomach chocolate when pregnant with my son)
- Every time a friend has had a baby, I have thought I am having the opposite or I am having the same : each time it works out to be a girl.

Boy :
- We think we both (husband and i) saw a little appendage on the scan.
- Heartbeat the same as my sons (160)
- My son insists it is a boy
- IVF baby (higher rates of boys)

Lol.. less than 8 weeks to go and we will find out :) thoughts? bets? odds? :)

You can't consider it a baby - it was too early...

I am pretty hurt right now. By all people my mother. I was trying to explain to her, that hearing about my friends twin pregnancy was hard. My friend went through one round of clomid, had sex and ended up with healthy twins. I went through 18 months of hell, to get pregnant with twins and lose one. So it hurts. It doesn't feel fair at times. Yet my mums response was that I can't consider it a baby - it was too early.

Those words cut so deeply. For anyone that has had a loss, planned or unplanned; and for anyone that goes through infertility and battles so many demons to get where they are, to lose a pregnancy at 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, is painful.  I am so grateful I still have this little jumping bean inside me, but that doesn't mean I don't mourn the loss of my two babies (my last pregnancy, and this bubs twin). I know this little one had a twin, that the bond the two would have had would have been amazing, and I know this will never happen. Instead I have been told to be happy with what I have. Now my mum is normally quite understanding, but she never had problems getting pregnant, never suffered a loss, so doesn't understand it and I am thankful for that. No one should go through it. But for those that have - we see the world differently. We see those two lines as hope, and we already get attached to what this means for us. It is irrelevant when you lose it. To me it is another child I lost. And yes it still hurts. But it is a bittersweet loss, as I am still carrying this amazing miracle of miracles, who loves to remind me that they are around, healthy and active. And I love it. And I am so eternally grateful for this miracle.

But these words hurt. So if you ever meet someone and think to yourself - oh it was too early, keep it to yourself. We don't want to hear it. I have a friend who had 3 losses all before 6 weeks, and she still talks about how hard it was. She talks about her husbands tears everytime they went in to see no heartbeat, or when she started to bleed. I have read about the losses at 4 weeks, and the pain of it. Anyone who has been through it doesn't think it is too early. So please think before you speak.

Now I just need to learn to forgive the comments by Mum. And that is tough.

28 weeks!

I am finally getting into the sticky end of this pregnancy. Things have started to hurt, pain is a constant, and movement is felt all the time. This is expected, but I am still thankful I don't have the pelvic instability I had with my son. Makes it much easier to deal with. I have been battling a cold for the past 5 weeks, and finally relented and took a course of antibiotics. Seems there was something else in my system and I am finally on my way to getting over this cold.

Otherwise everything is fine. Bub is still very high and in an awkward position, so anything could happen. Everyone is feeling more confident about this bub, and that is nice.

It feels like it is going so fast, and I am trying to enjoy it as much as I can, but I know I will enjoy meeting this little one so much and starting the next phase. It is also daunting as I wonder how my son will handle it all. He is very much a mummy's boy, and I think the demands of a toddler and newborn are going to be interesting. Especially when all he wants is me. But we will work it out!

Down to 2 week check ups now!