6 weeks : A miscarriage and a heartbeat

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! ***


My 5 week blood tests came back perfect. I was still measuring high, and my progesterone had gone up. I have had terrible morning sickness, and tiredness, and I have suspected that both embryos may have taken. At  6 weeks I went in and had another blood draw. I was told my blood levels had risen nicely, but me being me, checked my numbers. I noticed they were not as high as I would have expected at 6 weeks, and my progesterone had dropped a little. I decided to call my nurse and question her the next day about the numbers (I had a different nurse give me the results), and see if I could get an early scan. I just had this feeling something was wrong.

That night, I lay down and my uterus felt funny. It was a feeling over the whole uterus - and I knew there was something wrong. I went to the bathroom to check (as you do), and discovered some red spotting. Coupled with my numbers, the weird uterine feeling, and the spotting, I called my husband (who was working) and told him it looked bad and that I thought I could miscarry. I called my mum as well for support. I then got up, felt a whoosh, and knew it was bad. The next few hours was spent with a lot of blood loss, and massive (palm sized) clots being passed, and pain. I knew it was all over then. I rang my doctor, who said to stay on the meds, and get a scan tomorrow morning, and that it didn't sound good, but he has had this happen, and the foetus is still retained. The bleeding subsided and I went for my scan. It amazed me how fast it all happened, how quickly all the bleeding stopped and the lack of severe pain.

I have had enough scans to know a 6 week foetus, and as she started the scan (this was the same room and sonographer who did my 12 week scan and found I had lost the last one), I thought I saw something. She was so quick to go to that little precious baby - who had a heartbeat. I cried, I asked her three times if I was still pregnant, I could not believe it. The suspicion (and it all fits), is that I passed the second embryo, but thankfully I still had one of them going strong. There was no evidence that the bleed was caused by something else, although they could see a little old blood still up in the uterus. It would explain my numbers not increasing so rapidly, and the fact I did not feel so unwell (nauseous) for a few days. As I am writing this I am still crying knowing I am still pregnant. The amount I passed, well I can not believe I still have a baby in me. I also can not fathom how amazing the body is, to remove one and keep the other.  I have felt terribly unwell however. And I am struggling to get through the day. Massive headaches, extreme tiredness and breathlessness, and quite a bit of pain in my uterine area. My body is still recovering from what has happened. I hope and pray I get to 12 weeks, but I am terrified now. Even urinating brings back the sensation of miscarrying. But I need to be strong for this little one.

Not the news I was hoping for.

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! *** 

The title of this blog is what my husband said to me after we saw my doctor. Pretty much I was told that the baby was measuring a little small (the sonographer didn't mention this to me, she actually said it measured fine). 3 days behind to be exact. He did another scan, and thankfully there is still a heart beating away. He measured the baby, and although it is falling within the average it is falling on the small side. What he has told me is it could go either way at this point, he won't be able to tell me for a few more weeks. Given my history I am at high risk. I have to be monitored weekly, and I go in for another scan and to see him again next week. He is also not booking me in for anymore tests, or hospitals etc.

So to catch up, I am 7 weeks 1 day, and have no idea what is going to happen. I am tempted to start posting these so I can hear your stories, but as there are a few people that know me who read this blog, I have been reluctant. For now I am going with my old adage of focus on what is going right. 1. We have a heartbeat (and I was told it was a good heartbeart). 2. The baby has grown, even if it is small. 3. There is no bleeding. I have read lots of very hopeful stories, and I know my last pregnancy measured spot on and I still lost it. So anything can happen. It is just very stressful and hard to cope with.

the IVF TWW

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! ***

I had my last transfer last week. Both embryos survived, and I have been playing the waiting game. I thought I might tell you what happened this time around.

Tuesday - transfer day.
Wednesday - I had a strong shooting pain from my hip, down to my knee.
Thursday - Again the same pain, to the point I had to stop and doubled over in pain.
Friday - I woke really early, and had some slight pain, like the other days, but milder. I did not get any more pain after this. The waking early has continued.
Saturday-Monday - nothing much to report, feel crappy, but that is nothing new on the progesterone.
Tuesday - I started to dry heave. This is something I don't do, but the nausea and the heaving made me thing I either had gastro.. or.....
Tuesday night - I bit the bullet and did a home test. I also got some spotting after my pessary use.
Wednesday morning - another test.Rang the clinic, and they said I could come in a day early




*** drum roll *****












*** keep going!!! *****



Thursday - Blood test results - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and yes my home tests were positive too!!! they came up straight away).


One of the things that threw me was the lack of CM. The pessaries dry you out big time I discovered. So even though this was a marker for my past pregnancies, it wasn't this time. I also just KNEW I was. A feeling.

My results are high for day 14, but not high enough to think it is twins yet. So I have to wait for the scan. I would prefer a singleton pregnancy, as I just do not want to risk another loss, but I will feel blessed whatever happens. I now pray for a healthy baby at the end. And trying to not over react or panic. It is surreal and scary, and I feel dreadful (and so happy about that one!).

Oh so quiet in here!

From tomorrow I am about to post a heap of posts I have written over the last few months. When you see them you will understand why I have been so quiet. I decided to hold off publishing them, as I have not been ready to face what was happening. Still not sure I am :) But.... I promised myself I would start, so hold on for the first post tomorrow!

The endometrial scratch biopsy - all you wanted to know (or the TMI post!)

So lots happened when I saw my specialist yesterday. One thing I really like about him, is he doesn't wave my concerns away, and he sees me and my history AND, he said to me quite bluntly, I have not given up on you yet! They are really wonderful words to hear when you feel so down about it all. When I  said I was happy to have the biopsy (and I was going to ask about it), he said he has had some success in the past doing this. I also said my husband was fed up and didn't want to do IVF anymore, and he agreed. He said we have given it 5 blastocysts (after this FET), and if it hasn't worked we should go back to what we know works IUI. He said in some women, the more natural approach just works better. He also said IVF had not been too great for me, and he with the expense, it just was not worth the risk. So no more IVF for this little chicken (after the FET). My husband is up to trying with IUI again as well - so I am not out yet!! He also is happy to do some investigations to make sure I didn't get an infection after the miscarriage, and make sure there is nothing obvious going on (which is why I have not got pregnant). So I have a way forward, and am very happy about it. Having said that, let's hope I don't have to go down that path, and the FET works. But it is nice to see that my chances of having another child are not over and done with.

Okay, so if you have read through all of that, here comes the TMI post. All about this biopsy. First thing to know, is that they harm the lining of your uterus. This causes a healing response which for some reasons increases the receptiveness of the embryos to implant. The theory is that inflammation and immune cells go to the site and this results in the more receptive lining. There is a bit out there, and I am getting my head around the science of it. It can increase implantation by 50%!! You have to have it done on a off cycle (so no meds, no stimming etc), and then do a FET the cycle after. So you can;t do it on a fresh cycle, and you can not do it on a medicated cycle.

So what is it like. Umm.. not very pleasant at at all. Turn away now if you are squeamish

Pretty much he had to get a tool to grab a hold of my cervix, so he could push through the brush (which is what does the damage). The minute that brush goes through your cervix, your whole body cramps (and keeps cramping), and it is very uncomfortable. He then literally brushes your uterus, and you can feel it. You can feel it pushing against you from the inside, and it is very weird. You do bleed, and I am still bleeding today. I did find I needed pain killers after the event (something I didn't know). Would I do it again? If it works, 100%. It isn't fun to do - but considering everything we have been through I would definitely say go for it, if you think it will help! so now I wait for AF, and my final final IVF cycle!

Exciting and unexpected news!

Okay, so first off I am not pregnant :) BUT!!! I do have some exciting news. I just got a call about being apart of an IVF trial. They are trying to see what helps implantation, and I have been offered a scratch biopsy as part of it. I was going to ask my specialist about doing the scratch biopsy (as I had heard it helps implantation) - now I will definitely get it!! I am still so stoked about this, as I really had no idea if they would agree to it. The stats I read is that it some studies, a scratch biopsy increases the likelihood of a pregnancy by 20%! I will work with that :)

The last few months

I wish I had an amazing post, some amazing news, but it is not meant to be. The last few months have seen me go through two medicated FETs. The first was a single and the second was a double. All up (since my loss), I have had 4 failed IUIs, and 2 failed FETs. I am losing hope very fast. We have two frosties still, and I am taking a break. We have had a bit of a disaster at home, which has seen me moving our family from temporary accommodation, to temporary accommodation, while we await insurance to fix it. The problem is there is no accommodation available as it is December, so we are staying with family and friends. It is exhausting, the IVF is exhausting, and I just want to get to a good place mentally and physically for my final try. Yup, it looks like once we do the last FET, DH wants out. I am not ready yet to give up, hopefully next year brings some surprises with it. I am just unsure what else to do - I am getting some counselling to help me through things, and through that finding some more hope in this process.

Have a great christmas and new year, may all your dreams come true.