Please stop asking this question!

On Saturday night, my husband and I went out with another couple for dinner. I was asked ever so politely if we wanted more kids. I blurted out yes, and then I said "but it is out of our hands". There were raised eyebrows, some winking (oh so you do want more), and then confusion in my remark. Having another child is out of my hands. I already lost one, and am struggling to get pregnant again. Once again my IUI is a bust, and there I sat with AF, being asked if I wanted another child.

What I really wanted to say was this.
Yes - we already have another child. But our baby died in utero and no one really knows. We have since tried again to get pregnant but to no avail. So please stop asking.

So please : Stop asking. You just don't know what the other person is going through.

Post #IUI 7 fun!

All went well with my IUI on Friday! Thankfully they moved back to the metal callipers, so not half as painful as the plastic ones used during #6. I had great CM and I think all was well with DH (they never told me the count, and I couldn't see it written down). So I am hoping all will be well.

It is quite funny. Normally they check your progesterone about a week after to see if you need any added support. As I am on support already, and never had an issue with my progesterone, we decided to forgo the test this time. I am kind of happy. One less thing to run around and worry about and one less needle! But it really makes me feel like an old timer.

I also have a job interview this Friday, with a government position I really really want. It is exactly what I would love to do (insert *dream job*). It is part time (which financially isn't great, but we will survive with my payout). But I do feel things are hopefully falling into place.

Oh and I have to share with you. On Saturday (day after my IUI), my step son out of the blue asked me if I was pregnant. I said no (until I know, I am not, though I do treat myself as PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise), but asked him why he said that. He said "he just felt I was". Will be interesting to see how this cycle pans out and if he is right!

Here we go again!

This cycle has been all over the place. I went in last Friday to find out I had no response. My estrogen was low and no dominant follicle. So we upped the Gonal-F to 100, and I went back in on Tuesday. I had a follicle and my estrogen had raised up nicely. I have been booked in for IUI #7 (I can not believe I am at number 7!!) for tomorrow. I had an acupuncture session last night, and here is hoping for some good results in two weeks.

It is amusing. I have all this sick leave I can now use up - and I did fall sick with a cold. I took two days off, yet everyone at work thinks I just took the days off because I am leaving/fired/not renewed/became a mum which was a no no (take your pick). But, No, I was sick. In the end I think it was a good thing. I got to rest up and let my body do what it needs to do. We are also down to one car, so my Mum (bless her) is giving me her car for the day (I just have to drop and pick her up from work), so I can get to the appointment. I will be taking the day off this time - I may as well. I told my boss I am having some medical tests, and won't be in, and she just went "fine". Hah. These next few weeks will be fun.

So tomorrow is IUI day. Hopefully this time things stick and stay.

2014 - the year of change

Wow. This week has been a shocker emotionally. It doesn't help I am full of hormones that do fun things to me. What I expected has come to pass, and at the end of March I will be unemployed. They want someone cheaper essentially - and I am getting the boot. Yes, all the right things have been said. How wonderful my work has been, it is not personal or about the work, they wish they could keep me on etc etc. But at the end of the day - they have chosen to let me go, and leave others at the same pay rate as I am. But the other person is her "favourite" - so she was never going to be let go of. Six weeks to go - and I am struggling with it all. I know I want out of here. I am over her attitude to mums and to me. I am over the shit I have had to deal with. But it still hurts more than I wish. I feel useless and mad that this is happening while I am cycling.

So what now? I am applying for jobs like crazy. I have had some interviews, one in which they rang my references, but they never called me back (to tell me I did or didn't get the job - I have called them but they still have not got back to me. Very poor form). I feel really redundant at work now - very little to do, very little to motivate me. My boss can't look me in the eye - she has pretty much stopped talking to me (so far). If I get pregnant, I pray  get a job before I get too big. I pray I do get pregnant - I am sure I will find other job opportunities, a baby may not happen if I wait too long. I want to cry all the time, and I really think it is the hormones.

Still, I have been a student or staff member for the past 18 years. It is crazy this is how it is ending. Feeling worthless. Sigh... hopefully tomorrow scans shows some plump follicles to lighten my day. So thankful for my families support through this. 

I hope one day to look back at this post and add an addendum that says - best thing that ever happened!

Day 53

So what is day 53 you may ask? It was the last day of my cycle. I have not had a period since I did my last IUI. Nature's cruel little joke to remind me how bad my body can be. 53 effing days I have been waiting - and when it does show up boy is she cruel this month. Pain, lots of blood loss, tiredness - she brought it all in force.

PCOS is commonly diagnosed through lack of menstruation. I am use to it, but before and since I had my son my body went into a nice rhythm. My cycles might have been a little longer, but they happened every month. Since my miscarriage that has all gone to hell. I have no idea why - maybe the stress, maybe my body doesn't know how to cope, maybe my PCOS is back with a vengeance. I don't know. My fertility nurse was surprised when I called to say AF was here, and it was the first one I had since I saw her.

The good news is we can try for IUI #7. I go in for my first scan tomorrow. Then injectables. I have a feeling my dosage will be upped. I just want my body to play nice...  I know how much I want another child, I am just not sure how strong I am to keep cycling. I just pray I get a better response - but even on it's own my body is not playing nice. But if I don't try there won't be any chance. So here we go again!

The loss of control

One of the big things that has happened over the last few weeks - is that feeling of no control over my life. It may seem strange but I believe it is intrinsically linked to my miscarriage. The fact is there is so much which is out of my hands. Getting pregnant isn't even something I can just go out and try. It has to be planned and tried for. Everything about my conceptions has been controlled. But losing my baby I had no control over. Added to that is the stress of work - and the feeling I have no control over the utter misery I feel every day when I get into work - and I feel my whole life is a waiting game or a loss of control. Right now I am waiting for AF (which has decided to go on holidays), waiting for my contract to finish, waiting on job interviews, waiting for dates to pass... All I have no control over. I am not a control freak, but I like routine and plans. At 36 I still feel like I am a child with everyone else dictating how I should live my life. All this has been compounded by my horrid work situation and feeling like I have no options. And the fact I should have my baby in my arms and not in heaven.

I need some control to return to my life. Or order. But I am so tired I am not even sure where to start. I want to be pregnant again, but I need a new job first. Yet, I will not wait, and just hope the universe supports me and helps me on the right path. Right now I feel I am in no mans land. Even my husband turned around and said - I thought we left this feeling of complete self worthlessness in last year.... my reply - so did I.

I am adding this link here. Worth reading. Well timed for me.I need to start telling myself  IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY.

Dealing with a due date that will never happen.

In just under two weeks, it will be my due date. Exactly 40 weeks since I had my IUI which resulted in my pregnancy. It is a very emotional time. I find myself crying again and feeling the loss all over again. My friends babies are coming due, and it is tough. Everytime I see a baby I just want to hold it and love it - like I would have mine.

On top of that I am lactating. I have no idea why - I don't think I ever dried up from when my son weened, but I can feel small letdowns happening, which is why I realised I was still lactating. Almost like my body knows this is the time I should have had the baby - or it is a result of my last cycle. I don't know.

At any rate, I am glad that I will be spending the week before our due date with my family on a family road trip. I am hoping getting past this time will allow me to really move forward. I hope I don't start seeing every year as a potential birthday - in many ways I really would like to just step forward into a fresh year with fresh hope.

How do others cope? I know I am not coping brilliantly, I am eating poorly and putting on weight, and exhausted, and dreaming like a mad woman. This grief process has been so long. I have good and bad days, but it is 2014, the final part of this journey of loss. Hopefully the next part of my journey is full of rainbows...

Happy new year to you all though :) I did get to enjoy it with my family - but I got a lot of questions from a pregnant friend about what happened in my life (I told them it involved some losses but that was it). That did not help - I know she meant the best, but people are so nosey. Still my son was so much fun, and I loved seeing him up and playing and having a wonderful time. He is my world! Both our kids are, one is blood the other through marriage, but both bring so much joy... that is what I need to focus on.