Lucky 18!

Over the weekend I had wonderful growth. My little follicle grew up to a beautiful 18mm follicle. Now why is this lucky for me? When I got pregnant with my son, I had two follicles, one was 18mm the other smaller. My mother turned around and said to me - 18 - the number of life. Chai in hebrew means life - and the letters in hebrew add up to 18. I have been waiting a long long time to actually have a 18mm follicle on a scan again.

So what does this mean? Well it is IUI time! I will trigger tonight, we have been told to do our own thing (normally it is after, but they want us to go ahead earlier), and then on Thursday I will go back in. My naturopath (I love this woman), is coming in ESPECIALLY for me Thursday night and Friday morning to do acupuncture. I have been with her 7 years, and honestly, she has done more for me than most. I am so touched by her willingness to go out of her way for me. I really feel that there is not much else I can do to try and get things right.

So why am I petrified? I dont think I have ever been as scared to not have it work. I am trying so so hard not to panic about it, but I am not sure why the thought of IVF scares me so much. I think if anything, the IUI process has been so tough on me - I am exhausted by it all -  that I know going to IVF will be even harder. My medications would be through the roof (since I am not the best responder), and a day procedure, and then all that has to happen outside in a petri dish and the cost of it... just scares the &#!& out of me. Still I have to hope and be positive and send out sticky strong vibes this time it works, sticks and stays healthy till I have that baby in my arms. I do envy those people that decide they want a baby, go off birth control and wham bam thankyou mam! My friend made a comment along those lines to me (she knows what I have been through), and I just thought.. thanks a bunch. That is not my lot in life, and I have to be thankful for what I do have, which is more than a lot of people. Anyway hormones are probably getting the best of me.

This is going to be a long long looooong two week wait.

A positive step forward!

Around cd10 (cycle day 10), you go in and they check how your follicles are growing. For me it is common to have very little action. They then up my meds and hope that something happens. The two times I have got pregnant however, I have had a response at cd10 (post detox, and while I was breast feeding). Well it worked. Cd10 and I have the biggest follicle I have ever had at this point. I'm stoked, I just need it to keep getting bigger - I go back Monday for another scan. All going well Wednesday or Friday will be IUI time. I know I have done everything I could to make my body work and respond (and I'm sure being back on puregon has helped too). Will keep you all updated. 

An improved CD1

So AF arrived today!! Day 35 I started spotting. Such a difference to the last cycle on my own - day 53!! 18 day shorter cycle makes me hopeful. So after a mad run around to get to my clinic (I just started my new job, so telling them I had to go to my fertility clinic was not an option - lol, thankfully I am on my own most of the time and can make up work at home! Yay laptops), I have been cleared to my very final IUI cycle. I was also really happy that I have been put back onto puregon. Gonal-f hasn't resulted in a pregnancy, and although I know there is probably no difference - I get to use the same cartridge pen I have used to get pregnant twice. Silly things, silly signs, but it's what gets us through. So Friday I start. A nice dose up at 100. Acupuncture next week. And a lot of

Prayers. At least I know I have done everything with my diet, more exercise and some weight loss to make it work. Not much more I can do but pray. 

On a side note - this is more for interest, but there was a special email quick reading I did in August last year.  It was more a what the heck than anything. I will quote what she said here :

' I am picking up on a little girl for you, (with very thick hair :D) I do hear the month is related to June. Which may be birth, conceive, or find out.'

I hope she is right - as this cycle will fit, I think the IUI will be late May, but I'll find out in June. At the time I thought maybe she was wrong. But this gives me more hope than anything else. 

The latest

I know I have been super quiet. There has just not been heaps to update you all on. Though life is busy! I started my new job this week, and I have been thrown into the deep end. No treading water here. It's a little daunting, but hopefully my experience will get me over the line. Or, as my friend suggested, I just expect too much of myself. I want to have done it all, but I saw my supervisor mon and tues and won't see her again till Thursday. Not sure how many jobs people have where they are left alone so quickly. Lol. It's fine. I'm just trying to put it all together. 

As to our TTC. The detox went well. and I'm being pretty strict with my diet.  Bonus is I have lost weight - enough people have noticed. (I'm sure having four weeks off work and TTC helped!!). We went back and saw our specialist who has said we can try one more IUI and then onto IVF. He wants me on IVF before I am 37. So I am waiting for AF and cycle #9. Hoping this is it. At least I know I did everything I could. 

Hope life is treating you all well! 

An update

Apologies for being quiet. Things have been quite hectic. I finished my job at the end of March. I then got a new job which I start in May. It's not my dream job (I just missed out on that one), but it keeps the bills paid, is closer to home and is very similar to the last job I did. So I should be able to hit the ground running. 

I also did another cycle. It resulted in another BFN. Three cycles and no pregnancy. It's really tough. In July I am a year since I lost my baby. And right now I don't want to hear, see or know about anyone else's pregnancy. There is a part of me that is just trying to enjoy every precious second with my little man, because I am blessed to have him and know it may be a long time or not at all before I have another. So my husband and I have decided to go back to what we know has worked. I am going to start a very strict two week detox (instead of the four), he is back on a bunch on nutritional support - and I am going back to get reviewed by my doctor. I would like  to do one more IUI, and if it still doesn't work it might be time to consider IVF. But we will see what he says. 

This journey is tough. Whether it be primary or secondary infertility - the cycling, and disappointment is hard. Really hard. And the financial commitment - well sometimes I feel like I am just throwing money away. 

I hope your journeys are a bit more positive than mine right now :)

Please stop asking this question!

On Saturday night, my husband and I went out with another couple for dinner. I was asked ever so politely if we wanted more kids. I blurted out yes, and then I said "but it is out of our hands". There were raised eyebrows, some winking (oh so you do want more), and then confusion in my remark. Having another child is out of my hands. I already lost one, and am struggling to get pregnant again. Once again my IUI is a bust, and there I sat with AF, being asked if I wanted another child.

What I really wanted to say was this.
Yes - we already have another child. But our baby died in utero and no one really knows. We have since tried again to get pregnant but to no avail. So please stop asking.

So please : Stop asking. You just don't know what the other person is going through.

Post #IUI 7 fun!

All went well with my IUI on Friday! Thankfully they moved back to the metal callipers, so not half as painful as the plastic ones used during #6. I had great CM and I think all was well with DH (they never told me the count, and I couldn't see it written down). So I am hoping all will be well.

It is quite funny. Normally they check your progesterone about a week after to see if you need any added support. As I am on support already, and never had an issue with my progesterone, we decided to forgo the test this time. I am kind of happy. One less thing to run around and worry about and one less needle! But it really makes me feel like an old timer.

I also have a job interview this Friday, with a government position I really really want. It is exactly what I would love to do (insert *dream job*). It is part time (which financially isn't great, but we will survive with my payout). But I do feel things are hopefully falling into place.

Oh and I have to share with you. On Saturday (day after my IUI), my step son out of the blue asked me if I was pregnant. I said no (until I know, I am not, though I do treat myself as PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise), but asked him why he said that. He said "he just felt I was". Will be interesting to see how this cycle pans out and if he is right!