Waiting....

I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings. I know many of you probably feel the same way, but too scared to voice your feelings.

Right now I am waiting for my call to organise my appointment for counselling. I am actually angry about the counselling. What are they going to tell me I don't already know? I have a PhD in molecular biology - I probably know more than they do about what happens in that petri dish, I have suffered a loss (at the end of the first trimester, not even early on when it is more at risk), I have been through 9 cycles of treatment, and now I will need to sit and hear this woman (as they usually are) discuss our fertility journey, sex life, personal life and upcoming treatments. It pisses me off. To me it is just another money grab. We have done counselling, I don't need more. And the next bit - which is probably where I need counselling - I won't discuss. They don't know me, they don't know how to help. So I am writing it here instead.

On top of that I am still scared, and not very hopeful. My Aunt - who has been through it all, and was one of the first Aussie IVFers - actually said to me, she knows exactly where I am coming from. It gets to a point where you just don't think it will work. And I think that is exactly how I feel. The negative energy isn't helping matters, but I am not sure how to get myself hopeful for this upcoming IVF journey. I know the positives, but I just am scared. Scared it will not work, scared we will spend this money and still not have a baby, scared I will get pregnant and lose this one too, scared, scared, scared. Yet I look at my son, and I know it is all worth it. How do I take away the fear? I am so scared to tell my husband how I feel - if he knew he would probably shut it down. Tell us to either wait, or forget it - but I can't. I need to push through.

Any ideas for those that have been through it? Or about to start? The procedure itself is not scaring me.. I have done enough shots to not worry about it - but I already feel exhausted from the four IUIs over the last 6 odd months... the IVF idea just makes me feel like a wreck. But if it works it will all be worth it. I just feel like my head is going to explode :) lol!

Signing up

I received my Blue Form yesterday.  A registration form for IVF. With lots of boxes and questions about my fertility history, medical history, my husbands fertility history, weight (I took a guess, I have no idea!), work details, and on an on. Along with that to do IVF (or any reproductive processes), you have to get a POLICE check (yup you read that right - even though any one can just fall pregnant, you need special permission to undergo fertility treatments), and a children's check. We have these already, so it is one less thing I need to chase up. They will call us for another mandatory counselling session (what they can offer above what we have already been through, is yet to be seen), but they make money and get to tick off their boxes. I will be waiting till my next AF, so looks like my 37th Birthday present to me is IVF!

I wish I could be excited. I wish I had that feeling of hope, but right now I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure, and so hurt, as I should have another baby in my arms. It isn't like I have not been able to get pregnant before. I am mad I am about to be 37 - my age is against me, and that clock is ticking so loud. And most of all I am mad that I am not more grateful for what I already have. I have said to my mum and husband - are we being selfish spending all this money on IVF, when we have two kids (one step, one mine) at home who we could spend this money on. I am just so conflicted, and like my miscarriage feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I am not sure why I am responding so badly... I have been through this for years, and always knew this was something that could happen.

I rang the clinic, and the minute the nurse heard my voice she knew - she sounded as upset as I felt... hopefully this is the right decision. Right now I am just pushing forward, as I don't have the luxury of time to wait to get use to the idea, or decide if we actually want to do it. If I don't more time will pass, and it will be even harder. So I need to suck it up, hug my son and know it will be worth it in the end.

The Red Tent

There is a wonderful book called the Red Tent. It is about women in the middle east in ancient times, and how they dealt with the time of month. They all enter the red tent, and support each other during that time of month. It has been years since I read the book, but I wish I could track down a copy. Right now, I would love to be in a red tent, being able to hide from the world and the reality that I am not pregnant again. This TWW was one of the worst.

So what does that mean. Well I am about to embark on the crazy IVF rollercoaster. After hitting 36, it seems my body does not want to cooperate. There are positives. If we get enough embryos, we should have some frozen to try again, if it doesn't work. Or if it does, we may have some frozen for use later on. But financially it is going to be a huge hit. So I will be sharing all things IVF, especially here in Australia.

I want to feel excited, but I am so disappointed.
9 IUIs
2 pregnancy
1 amazing son
1 miracle little angel
4.5 months of waiting to find out
135 injections or there about
9 months of treatment
nearly $7500 already spent on treatments (not counting costs of a pregnancy, loss, and scans - that would make it well over the $10,000 mark).

Now onto IVF - which will double that budget quite quickly. Thankfully we get some money back, and my family have offered to help out. My Aunt went through it - so I have my family to fall onto.

Lucky 18!

Over the weekend I had wonderful growth. My little follicle grew up to a beautiful 18mm follicle. Now why is this lucky for me? When I got pregnant with my son, I had two follicles, one was 18mm the other smaller. My mother turned around and said to me - 18 - the number of life. Chai in hebrew means life - and the letters in hebrew add up to 18. I have been waiting a long long time to actually have a 18mm follicle on a scan again.

So what does this mean? Well it is IUI time! I will trigger tonight, we have been told to do our own thing (normally it is after, but they want us to go ahead earlier), and then on Thursday I will go back in. My naturopath (I love this woman), is coming in ESPECIALLY for me Thursday night and Friday morning to do acupuncture. I have been with her 7 years, and honestly, she has done more for me than most. I am so touched by her willingness to go out of her way for me. I really feel that there is not much else I can do to try and get things right.

So why am I petrified? I dont think I have ever been as scared to not have it work. I am trying so so hard not to panic about it, but I am not sure why the thought of IVF scares me so much. I think if anything, the IUI process has been so tough on me - I am exhausted by it all -  that I know going to IVF will be even harder. My medications would be through the roof (since I am not the best responder), and a day procedure, and then all that has to happen outside in a petri dish and the cost of it... just scares the &#!& out of me. Still I have to hope and be positive and send out sticky strong vibes this time it works, sticks and stays healthy till I have that baby in my arms. I do envy those people that decide they want a baby, go off birth control and wham bam thankyou mam! My friend made a comment along those lines to me (she knows what I have been through), and I just thought.. thanks a bunch. That is not my lot in life, and I have to be thankful for what I do have, which is more than a lot of people. Anyway hormones are probably getting the best of me.

This is going to be a long long looooong two week wait.

A positive step forward!

Around cd10 (cycle day 10), you go in and they check how your follicles are growing. For me it is common to have very little action. They then up my meds and hope that something happens. The two times I have got pregnant however, I have had a response at cd10 (post detox, and while I was breast feeding). Well it worked. Cd10 and I have the biggest follicle I have ever had at this point. I'm stoked, I just need it to keep getting bigger - I go back Monday for another scan. All going well Wednesday or Friday will be IUI time. I know I have done everything I could to make my body work and respond (and I'm sure being back on puregon has helped too). Will keep you all updated. 

An improved CD1

So AF arrived today!! Day 35 I started spotting. Such a difference to the last cycle on my own - day 53!! 18 day shorter cycle makes me hopeful. So after a mad run around to get to my clinic (I just started my new job, so telling them I had to go to my fertility clinic was not an option - lol, thankfully I am on my own most of the time and can make up work at home! Yay laptops), I have been cleared to my very final IUI cycle. I was also really happy that I have been put back onto puregon. Gonal-f hasn't resulted in a pregnancy, and although I know there is probably no difference - I get to use the same cartridge pen I have used to get pregnant twice. Silly things, silly signs, but it's what gets us through. So Friday I start. A nice dose up at 100. Acupuncture next week. And a lot of

Prayers. At least I know I have done everything with my diet, more exercise and some weight loss to make it work. Not much more I can do but pray. 

On a side note - this is more for interest, but there was a special email quick reading I did in August last year.  It was more a what the heck than anything. I will quote what she said here :

' I am picking up on a little girl for you, (with very thick hair :D) I do hear the month is related to June. Which may be birth, conceive, or find out.'

I hope she is right - as this cycle will fit, I think the IUI will be late May, but I'll find out in June. At the time I thought maybe she was wrong. But this gives me more hope than anything else. 

The latest

I know I have been super quiet. There has just not been heaps to update you all on. Though life is busy! I started my new job this week, and I have been thrown into the deep end. No treading water here. It's a little daunting, but hopefully my experience will get me over the line. Or, as my friend suggested, I just expect too much of myself. I want to have done it all, but I saw my supervisor mon and tues and won't see her again till Thursday. Not sure how many jobs people have where they are left alone so quickly. Lol. It's fine. I'm just trying to put it all together. 

As to our TTC. The detox went well. and I'm being pretty strict with my diet.  Bonus is I have lost weight - enough people have noticed. (I'm sure having four weeks off work and TTC helped!!). We went back and saw our specialist who has said we can try one more IUI and then onto IVF. He wants me on IVF before I am 37. So I am waiting for AF and cycle #9. Hoping this is it. At least I know I did everything I could. 

Hope life is treating you all well!