Waiting....

I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings. I know many of you probably feel the same way, but too scared to voice your feelings.

Right now I am waiting for my call to organise my appointment for counselling. I am actually angry about the counselling. What are they going to tell me I don't already know? I have a PhD in molecular biology - I probably know more than they do about what happens in that petri dish, I have suffered a loss (at the end of the first trimester, not even early on when it is more at risk), I have been through 9 cycles of treatment, and now I will need to sit and hear this woman (as they usually are) discuss our fertility journey, sex life, personal life and upcoming treatments. It pisses me off. To me it is just another money grab. We have done counselling, I don't need more. And the next bit - which is probably where I need counselling - I won't discuss. They don't know me, they don't know how to help. So I am writing it here instead.

On top of that I am still scared, and not very hopeful. My Aunt - who has been through it all, and was one of the first Aussie IVFers - actually said to me, she knows exactly where I am coming from. It gets to a point where you just don't think it will work. And I think that is exactly how I feel. The negative energy isn't helping matters, but I am not sure how to get myself hopeful for this upcoming IVF journey. I know the positives, but I just am scared. Scared it will not work, scared we will spend this money and still not have a baby, scared I will get pregnant and lose this one too, scared, scared, scared. Yet I look at my son, and I know it is all worth it. How do I take away the fear? I am so scared to tell my husband how I feel - if he knew he would probably shut it down. Tell us to either wait, or forget it - but I can't. I need to push through.

Any ideas for those that have been through it? Or about to start? The procedure itself is not scaring me.. I have done enough shots to not worry about it - but I already feel exhausted from the four IUIs over the last 6 odd months... the IVF idea just makes me feel like a wreck. But if it works it will all be worth it. I just feel like my head is going to explode :) lol!