What I'm saddest about my baby not being born (and it's probably not what you think)

There is so much sadness and loss with a miscarriage. Sadness over not meeting your child, holding your baby - watching it grow. 

For me I have two big regrets. 

The day after we found out the baby died was my birthday. My husband had a meeting and my son and I went with him. There was a park and lake and it was a beautiful clear winter day. My son and I played on the equipment, laughed at the birds in the lake and watched the people pass. It was at that point that I was so sad I could never show my child, who was still in me but not, the utter beauty we see every day. 

I'm also so sad this child won't be joining our family. Won't have two older brothers who would have doted over them. Who would have been so loved. 

I get reminded of these things and hope my baby somewhere understands. My regrets are about what I could give you rather than what I am missing out on. I miss you  little one. I hope you see the beauty - since you have passed I've seen two double rainbows appear in the sky. That gives me hope.