It's the final countdown.

In a few hours I will meet you, hold you, kiss your little toes. In the last few hours of this pregnancy I am feeling so much. My nerves are through the roof, I worry about your brother, I'm nervous to find out if you are a boy or girl and I reflect on this journey. So much has happened to get here, and although it's the end of the fertility battle for me, it's the start of a whole new love and life. Seeing you that day on the ultrasound screen is still a dream for me. When all seemed lost you still fought on. My little fighter. You love to kick your legs across my belly in big swipes. If I touch your little leg you respond with a kick. And if you hear your brothers voice the flutters start up again. So much personality before we even meet. So goodbye pregnancy, goodbye this long journey and happy birthday to my precious little fighter. We can't wait to meet you. 

37 weeks - made it to term!!!!

So today marks 37 weeks. Who would have thought we would get here!! Less then two weeks until I meet this little one and we start our next chapter. I started maternity leave this week, and my gorgeous work colleagues made me feel absolutely spoilt before I left. So very special and different to my last workplace. Sleep is elusive but I'm enjoying preparing and getting ready. My son has a bag full of big brother gifts and snacks for when he is visiting. I've finally packed my bags and just getting small things done. I've had a lot of Braxton hicks and I'll be curious to see if bub is fully engaged at my check up tomorrow. I still think this baby has other plans :) 

Still I am term!!!! Could not be more excited!!! 

30 weeks and getting bigger!

 I am now down to fortnightly checks! This is always the fun part as we get closer to meeting this baby! I had my gestational diabetes test a week ago, and felt awful. Nauseous, tired, lethargic, unable to eat. The whole weekend I just wanted to drink and get that glucose out of me. I know I felt bad with the test when I did it with my son, but this reaction made me convinced I had GD this time. Thankfully I am negative!!! I don't have it. I felt like celebrating, as having GD would have landed me back as high risk, and  mentally I could not cope with that!

I am also now in the officially uncomfortable stage. I am not sleeping well at night, in pain (Whooping cough damaged my left ribs so when the baby moves up they always cause a lot of pain), back pain, aching legs and generally just feeling my 30 weeks :) This weekend was very painful, as I had a lot of stomach pain and this baby was deciding it would practice being an acrobat. What I suspected was right, and this bub flipped around and is now finally head down in my pelvis. And that hurts!!!

So now is the fun guess what sex I am having. So far the old wives tale tell me it is a girl, but other things say it is a boy. What do you think?

Girl :
- Still stick and vomiting (when I cough it sets me off, I barely vomited with my son)
- Dry hair (with my son my hair was great, even my hairdresser mentioned my hair was dry)
- Heart beat at 160 (having said that so was my son, but according to the old wives tale...)
- Tummy bump according to some is a girl shape (with my son I had a lot say it was a boy shape)
- Sweet food (I couldn't even stomach chocolate when pregnant with my son)
- Every time a friend has had a baby, I have thought I am having the opposite or I am having the same : each time it works out to be a girl.

Boy :
- We think we both (husband and i) saw a little appendage on the scan.
- Heartbeat the same as my sons (160)
- My son insists it is a boy
- IVF baby (higher rates of boys)

Lol.. less than 8 weeks to go and we will find out :) thoughts? bets? odds? :)

You can't consider it a baby - it was too early...

I am pretty hurt right now. By all people my mother. I was trying to explain to her, that hearing about my friends twin pregnancy was hard. My friend went through one round of clomid, had sex and ended up with healthy twins. I went through 18 months of hell, to get pregnant with twins and lose one. So it hurts. It doesn't feel fair at times. Yet my mums response was that I can't consider it a baby - it was too early.

Those words cut so deeply. For anyone that has had a loss, planned or unplanned; and for anyone that goes through infertility and battles so many demons to get where they are, to lose a pregnancy at 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, is painful.  I am so grateful I still have this little jumping bean inside me, but that doesn't mean I don't mourn the loss of my two babies (my last pregnancy, and this bubs twin). I know this little one had a twin, that the bond the two would have had would have been amazing, and I know this will never happen. Instead I have been told to be happy with what I have. Now my mum is normally quite understanding, but she never had problems getting pregnant, never suffered a loss, so doesn't understand it and I am thankful for that. No one should go through it. But for those that have - we see the world differently. We see those two lines as hope, and we already get attached to what this means for us. It is irrelevant when you lose it. To me it is another child I lost. And yes it still hurts. But it is a bittersweet loss, as I am still carrying this amazing miracle of miracles, who loves to remind me that they are around, healthy and active. And I love it. And I am so eternally grateful for this miracle.

But these words hurt. So if you ever meet someone and think to yourself - oh it was too early, keep it to yourself. We don't want to hear it. I have a friend who had 3 losses all before 6 weeks, and she still talks about how hard it was. She talks about her husbands tears everytime they went in to see no heartbeat, or when she started to bleed. I have read about the losses at 4 weeks, and the pain of it. Anyone who has been through it doesn't think it is too early. So please think before you speak.

Now I just need to learn to forgive the comments by Mum. And that is tough.

28 weeks!

I am finally getting into the sticky end of this pregnancy. Things have started to hurt, pain is a constant, and movement is felt all the time. This is expected, but I am still thankful I don't have the pelvic instability I had with my son. Makes it much easier to deal with. I have been battling a cold for the past 5 weeks, and finally relented and took a course of antibiotics. Seems there was something else in my system and I am finally on my way to getting over this cold.

Otherwise everything is fine. Bub is still very high and in an awkward position, so anything could happen. Everyone is feeling more confident about this bub, and that is nice.

It feels like it is going so fast, and I am trying to enjoy it as much as I can, but I know I will enjoy meeting this little one so much and starting the next phase. It is also daunting as I wonder how my son will handle it all. He is very much a mummy's boy, and I think the demands of a toddler and newborn are going to be interesting. Especially when all he wants is me. But we will work it out!

Down to 2 week check ups now!

24 weeks : viability and the fear...

I should have written this a week ago, but I haven't had a chance! I am actually 25 weeks now, and hit 24 weeks last week. Why is this so important? Because here in Australia 24 weeks is when they consider you viable and where they will intervene to try and save your baby. There is a big difference between 23 weeks and 23 weeks and 5 days in saving these babies  (great article about it here ). There is even talk of moving this age to 22 weeks - as the interventions are improving and survival outcomes are increasing. But for now at 24 weeks I know we can do something if something where to happen.

So on Friday last week I was 24 weeks and 1 day. I was coughing my heart out (from a cold that won't go away) and throwing up, and I felt a rush of fluid. I had wet myself and of course I thought the worst. I changed my underwear and waited and notice a little more fluid loss. I did panic. I couldn't help myself. I ended up getting a scan and thankfully everything was fine. I spent the rest of the day sleeping. Was it fluid loss? My ob said it could have been a small leak that healed up, or very dilute urine (which is why it didn't smell). Problem is we don't know, but he understands why I would panic, and said we need to check it all out. He also said how unfair it would be for something to happen now after everything I have been through to get here.

But it brought so much back. The bleed at 6 weeks, the fear that even at 24 weeks, it was too early - but also the knowledge that if something had happened, if I waited too long, it may have been too late to help my baby. So I acted now. But I am still so scared. The same time in my pregnancy with my son, I was so naive, still worried, but having had an uncomplicated pregnancy with him, I felt pretty good about having a baby at the end. This time it isn't like that at all. How do you cope? I have no idea. I wish I had an answer. Time makes it easier. Each day further in makes it easier. Each kick and tumble makes me know the baby is doing well. And seeing my son and knowing how amazing kids are makes it that much easier.

In 5 weeks I will be 30 weeks and I know the odds of a healthy baby jump astronomically. So I am now counting the next 5 weeks down!

20 weeks!!

Even posting I am 20 weeks amazes me. This pregnancy is going so fast, and is a bit of a blur in so many ways. There have been so many moments I never even thought I would make it this far. Another 4 weeks and this pregnancy is considered "viable".

The good news is the 20 week anatomy scan went really well. No issues detected, and this little one was sucking it's thumb. So it looks like I have another sucker on the way (my son either has fingers in his mouth or a dummy/pacifier, regardless of bribes - but we are working on it). It did behave and everything looked great. Although my fundal height is 21, bub is measuring 40th percentile. So not too big, not too small :) Bub is also still breach, but it isnt really relevant at this point (except for the kicks to my bladder! urgh!) I couldn't have been happier with the results. My husband is convinced he saw something and it is a boy - somehow his 0 years of training in sonography means he is convinced it is a boy ;) I think he saw shadows!

We also now have a date for the c-section. It is weird to know this bubs birthday. But I wanted to book it in, as it is very close to some Jewish holidays.

As for me, still struggling with energy in a big way. I also got ill, and just toppled over and spent two days in bed, unable to eat. But that, thankfully passed quickly. I am getting uncomfortable, but my belly is still pretty compact for a second pregnancy at 20 weeks. I am still yet to tell heaps of people, and will probably keep it that way.

So over half way there. It is sad I am not enjoying it more. I love the feel of bub wriggling around - this bub is either more active than my son, or I am just feeling it more, but really happy I get to experience that more this time. Loving my growing belly, always a nice reminder of what is happening in there.

Everyone else out there in fertility nightmare world - hang in there! It gets better and miracles happen!