Waiting....

I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings. I know many of you probably feel the same way, but too scared to voice your feelings.

Right now I am waiting for my call to organise my appointment for counselling. I am actually angry about the counselling. What are they going to tell me I don't already know? I have a PhD in molecular biology - I probably know more than they do about what happens in that petri dish, I have suffered a loss (at the end of the first trimester, not even early on when it is more at risk), I have been through 9 cycles of treatment, and now I will need to sit and hear this woman (as they usually are) discuss our fertility journey, sex life, personal life and upcoming treatments. It pisses me off. To me it is just another money grab. We have done counselling, I don't need more. And the next bit - which is probably where I need counselling - I won't discuss. They don't know me, they don't know how to help. So I am writing it here instead.

On top of that I am still scared, and not very hopeful. My Aunt - who has been through it all, and was one of the first Aussie IVFers - actually said to me, she knows exactly where I am coming from. It gets to a point where you just don't think it will work. And I think that is exactly how I feel. The negative energy isn't helping matters, but I am not sure how to get myself hopeful for this upcoming IVF journey. I know the positives, but I just am scared. Scared it will not work, scared we will spend this money and still not have a baby, scared I will get pregnant and lose this one too, scared, scared, scared. Yet I look at my son, and I know it is all worth it. How do I take away the fear? I am so scared to tell my husband how I feel - if he knew he would probably shut it down. Tell us to either wait, or forget it - but I can't. I need to push through.

Any ideas for those that have been through it? Or about to start? The procedure itself is not scaring me.. I have done enough shots to not worry about it - but I already feel exhausted from the four IUIs over the last 6 odd months... the IVF idea just makes me feel like a wreck. But if it works it will all be worth it. I just feel like my head is going to explode :) lol!

Signing up

I received my Blue Form yesterday.  A registration form for IVF. With lots of boxes and questions about my fertility history, medical history, my husbands fertility history, weight (I took a guess, I have no idea!), work details, and on an on. Along with that to do IVF (or any reproductive processes), you have to get a POLICE check (yup you read that right - even though any one can just fall pregnant, you need special permission to undergo fertility treatments), and a children's check. We have these already, so it is one less thing I need to chase up. They will call us for another mandatory counselling session (what they can offer above what we have already been through, is yet to be seen), but they make money and get to tick off their boxes. I will be waiting till my next AF, so looks like my 37th Birthday present to me is IVF!

I wish I could be excited. I wish I had that feeling of hope, but right now I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure, and so hurt, as I should have another baby in my arms. It isn't like I have not been able to get pregnant before. I am mad I am about to be 37 - my age is against me, and that clock is ticking so loud. And most of all I am mad that I am not more grateful for what I already have. I have said to my mum and husband - are we being selfish spending all this money on IVF, when we have two kids (one step, one mine) at home who we could spend this money on. I am just so conflicted, and like my miscarriage feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I am not sure why I am responding so badly... I have been through this for years, and always knew this was something that could happen.

I rang the clinic, and the minute the nurse heard my voice she knew - she sounded as upset as I felt... hopefully this is the right decision. Right now I am just pushing forward, as I don't have the luxury of time to wait to get use to the idea, or decide if we actually want to do it. If I don't more time will pass, and it will be even harder. So I need to suck it up, hug my son and know it will be worth it in the end.

The Red Tent

There is a wonderful book called the Red Tent. It is about women in the middle east in ancient times, and how they dealt with the time of month. They all enter the red tent, and support each other during that time of month. It has been years since I read the book, but I wish I could track down a copy. Right now, I would love to be in a red tent, being able to hide from the world and the reality that I am not pregnant again. This TWW was one of the worst.

So what does that mean. Well I am about to embark on the crazy IVF rollercoaster. After hitting 36, it seems my body does not want to cooperate. There are positives. If we get enough embryos, we should have some frozen to try again, if it doesn't work. Or if it does, we may have some frozen for use later on. But financially it is going to be a huge hit. So I will be sharing all things IVF, especially here in Australia.

I want to feel excited, but I am so disappointed.
9 IUIs
2 pregnancy
1 amazing son
1 miracle little angel
4.5 months of waiting to find out
135 injections or there about
9 months of treatment
nearly $7500 already spent on treatments (not counting costs of a pregnancy, loss, and scans - that would make it well over the $10,000 mark).

Now onto IVF - which will double that budget quite quickly. Thankfully we get some money back, and my family have offered to help out. My Aunt went through it - so I have my family to fall onto.