6 weeks!

The last 6 weeks have gone past like a blur. You forget how demanding a newborn is, and add a toddler who wants your attention, it makes life interesting. However there are so many things that have gone right.

Little Mr Z had his "bris" 8 days after his birth. This is a traditional circumcision, and went without a hitch. It is also where he was named. He handled it really well, and I was grateful that they use a local anaesthetic (something they were not doing when my first son was done), so less tears for Mr Z, and less tears for mummy. (PS I am not getting into a debate about circumcision). I do find it amazing how many people came up to me and touched my now empty tummy, or just me - someone even touched my scar, which was not very pleasant. Comments still come in, but that is what you get. Still it was a well handled morning, and I was glad it was over with.

I get asked if Mr Z is a good sleeper - I always find that an interesting question, a newborn sleeps as a newborn sleeps. What is a good sleeper at this age?

So far he is putting on great weight (just like his brother), and we are getting enough sleep. He is very different to his brother - only wants to be cuddled by me (most of the time), doesn't like being swaddled and is very alert. He is going through his first mental leap which makes things quite tough.

Second time around the things which work better is I recognise his hungry cry to his sleep cry - and find it easier to settle him. I also am not as caught up with what I have been told to do (or it will kill him). Things like co-sleeping at night is a must for me to operate. There is so much evidence on the benefit of mother and child co-sleeping, especially when it comes to breastfeeding. Once he is 12 weeks, we will instigate more of a routine, and I will try to transition him to his own bed at night. The way he is going he should be double his weight and ready to sleep through the night. I ended up co-sleeping by accident with my first as I kept falling asleep. This time around I just went with it, and it has been working well.  I just make sure it is done safely.

Anyway I have a hysterical toddler who wants something from the bathroom but doesn't know what, so better try and deal with it. All the fun of the fair :)

A most amazing day.

So yesterday was a very special "birth"day. I didn't sleep much (maybe two hours) as nerves got the better of me. I also got to enjoy those last internal kicks and guesses to whom I was about to meet. My husband also woke early and we both showered and went off to the hospital. It was 6.30am and the roads were empty. We got there ten minutes later. I was taken straight up to our room and got changed into my gown. I was starting to get very anxious at this point. Not sure I was ready yet to meet my baby, scared of the procedure and recovery and just... Well ... Scared. 

I was taken down to surgery, and met the anaesthestist who was lovely. She went through the procedure with me, and I was reminded of going through it with my eldest. My obstetrician showed up, and was so accommodating of my wishes. It was amazing to go through this journey with him. From conceiving my son to birthing my second child. He also did my IVF transfer which resulted in this baby. My husband went off to put on scrubs and to come and hold my hand. I was wheeled into theatre and I had a local put into my hand. They then put in a drip. I was then instructed to sit on the edge of the bed and to try and curl over (which is so hard when you have a baby sitting in your front!). I then had another local before they did the spinal and also put morphine into my spine. It was not tinge most pleasant experience and was the part I dreaded the most. I started to feel dizzy so when I could lie down again (while I could still feel my legs) I just flopped down. The sheets went up and they started. First I got a catheter and then the pulling and pushing started. As requested the sheet came down to introduce us to our son. I also got my request to delay cord clamping. The sheet went back up and they closed me up. 

We then went to recovery (my husband and son went first and met us there), where I was given more pain relief and they observed me. They kept checking to see that the spinal was dropping as it was a little high up on the body. I also started with our first breast feed. Unlike my first son, this little one took a bit to get going. I must admit I was worried we may struggle, but by day two he has worked it all out. I also was itchy all over - seems to be a side effect of the morphine in the spine. Anti histamines fixed that up.  

As for me, I have amazed myself, my doctor and nurses by just how well I've bounced back. When I had my son, I could barely move the first day up. The third day I was still struggling. This morning (when I was allowed to get up) I got out of bed with no problems. I've been moving around really well. It's surprised me. I need to remind myself I only had him yesterday! 

My heart is so full. My oldest is infatuated with his baby brother. And my journey through infertility has come to an end, but my journey as a mother has just begun. 

It's the final countdown.

In a few hours I will meet you, hold you, kiss your little toes. In the last few hours of this pregnancy I am feeling so much. My nerves are through the roof, I worry about your brother, I'm nervous to find out if you are a boy or girl and I reflect on this journey. So much has happened to get here, and although it's the end of the fertility battle for me, it's the start of a whole new love and life. Seeing you that day on the ultrasound screen is still a dream for me. When all seemed lost you still fought on. My little fighter. You love to kick your legs across my belly in big swipes. If I touch your little leg you respond with a kick. And if you hear your brothers voice the flutters start up again. So much personality before we even meet. So goodbye pregnancy, goodbye this long journey and happy birthday to my precious little fighter. We can't wait to meet you. 

37 weeks - made it to term!!!!

So today marks 37 weeks. Who would have thought we would get here!! Less then two weeks until I meet this little one and we start our next chapter. I started maternity leave this week, and my gorgeous work colleagues made me feel absolutely spoilt before I left. So very special and different to my last workplace. Sleep is elusive but I'm enjoying preparing and getting ready. My son has a bag full of big brother gifts and snacks for when he is visiting. I've finally packed my bags and just getting small things done. I've had a lot of Braxton hicks and I'll be curious to see if bub is fully engaged at my check up tomorrow. I still think this baby has other plans :) 

Still I am term!!!! Could not be more excited!!! 

30 weeks and getting bigger!

 I am now down to fortnightly checks! This is always the fun part as we get closer to meeting this baby! I had my gestational diabetes test a week ago, and felt awful. Nauseous, tired, lethargic, unable to eat. The whole weekend I just wanted to drink and get that glucose out of me. I know I felt bad with the test when I did it with my son, but this reaction made me convinced I had GD this time. Thankfully I am negative!!! I don't have it. I felt like celebrating, as having GD would have landed me back as high risk, and  mentally I could not cope with that!

I am also now in the officially uncomfortable stage. I am not sleeping well at night, in pain (Whooping cough damaged my left ribs so when the baby moves up they always cause a lot of pain), back pain, aching legs and generally just feeling my 30 weeks :) This weekend was very painful, as I had a lot of stomach pain and this baby was deciding it would practice being an acrobat. What I suspected was right, and this bub flipped around and is now finally head down in my pelvis. And that hurts!!!

So now is the fun guess what sex I am having. So far the old wives tale tell me it is a girl, but other things say it is a boy. What do you think?

Girl :
- Still stick and vomiting (when I cough it sets me off, I barely vomited with my son)
- Dry hair (with my son my hair was great, even my hairdresser mentioned my hair was dry)
- Heart beat at 160 (having said that so was my son, but according to the old wives tale...)
- Tummy bump according to some is a girl shape (with my son I had a lot say it was a boy shape)
- Sweet food (I couldn't even stomach chocolate when pregnant with my son)
- Every time a friend has had a baby, I have thought I am having the opposite or I am having the same : each time it works out to be a girl.

Boy :
- We think we both (husband and i) saw a little appendage on the scan.
- Heartbeat the same as my sons (160)
- My son insists it is a boy
- IVF baby (higher rates of boys)

Lol.. less than 8 weeks to go and we will find out :) thoughts? bets? odds? :)

You can't consider it a baby - it was too early...

I am pretty hurt right now. By all people my mother. I was trying to explain to her, that hearing about my friends twin pregnancy was hard. My friend went through one round of clomid, had sex and ended up with healthy twins. I went through 18 months of hell, to get pregnant with twins and lose one. So it hurts. It doesn't feel fair at times. Yet my mums response was that I can't consider it a baby - it was too early.

Those words cut so deeply. For anyone that has had a loss, planned or unplanned; and for anyone that goes through infertility and battles so many demons to get where they are, to lose a pregnancy at 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, is painful.  I am so grateful I still have this little jumping bean inside me, but that doesn't mean I don't mourn the loss of my two babies (my last pregnancy, and this bubs twin). I know this little one had a twin, that the bond the two would have had would have been amazing, and I know this will never happen. Instead I have been told to be happy with what I have. Now my mum is normally quite understanding, but she never had problems getting pregnant, never suffered a loss, so doesn't understand it and I am thankful for that. No one should go through it. But for those that have - we see the world differently. We see those two lines as hope, and we already get attached to what this means for us. It is irrelevant when you lose it. To me it is another child I lost. And yes it still hurts. But it is a bittersweet loss, as I am still carrying this amazing miracle of miracles, who loves to remind me that they are around, healthy and active. And I love it. And I am so eternally grateful for this miracle.

But these words hurt. So if you ever meet someone and think to yourself - oh it was too early, keep it to yourself. We don't want to hear it. I have a friend who had 3 losses all before 6 weeks, and she still talks about how hard it was. She talks about her husbands tears everytime they went in to see no heartbeat, or when she started to bleed. I have read about the losses at 4 weeks, and the pain of it. Anyone who has been through it doesn't think it is too early. So please think before you speak.

Now I just need to learn to forgive the comments by Mum. And that is tough.

28 weeks!

I am finally getting into the sticky end of this pregnancy. Things have started to hurt, pain is a constant, and movement is felt all the time. This is expected, but I am still thankful I don't have the pelvic instability I had with my son. Makes it much easier to deal with. I have been battling a cold for the past 5 weeks, and finally relented and took a course of antibiotics. Seems there was something else in my system and I am finally on my way to getting over this cold.

Otherwise everything is fine. Bub is still very high and in an awkward position, so anything could happen. Everyone is feeling more confident about this bub, and that is nice.

It feels like it is going so fast, and I am trying to enjoy it as much as I can, but I know I will enjoy meeting this little one so much and starting the next phase. It is also daunting as I wonder how my son will handle it all. He is very much a mummy's boy, and I think the demands of a toddler and newborn are going to be interesting. Especially when all he wants is me. But we will work it out!

Down to 2 week check ups now!

24 weeks : viability and the fear...

I should have written this a week ago, but I haven't had a chance! I am actually 25 weeks now, and hit 24 weeks last week. Why is this so important? Because here in Australia 24 weeks is when they consider you viable and where they will intervene to try and save your baby. There is a big difference between 23 weeks and 23 weeks and 5 days in saving these babies  (great article about it here ). There is even talk of moving this age to 22 weeks - as the interventions are improving and survival outcomes are increasing. But for now at 24 weeks I know we can do something if something where to happen.

So on Friday last week I was 24 weeks and 1 day. I was coughing my heart out (from a cold that won't go away) and throwing up, and I felt a rush of fluid. I had wet myself and of course I thought the worst. I changed my underwear and waited and notice a little more fluid loss. I did panic. I couldn't help myself. I ended up getting a scan and thankfully everything was fine. I spent the rest of the day sleeping. Was it fluid loss? My ob said it could have been a small leak that healed up, or very dilute urine (which is why it didn't smell). Problem is we don't know, but he understands why I would panic, and said we need to check it all out. He also said how unfair it would be for something to happen now after everything I have been through to get here.

But it brought so much back. The bleed at 6 weeks, the fear that even at 24 weeks, it was too early - but also the knowledge that if something had happened, if I waited too long, it may have been too late to help my baby. So I acted now. But I am still so scared. The same time in my pregnancy with my son, I was so naive, still worried, but having had an uncomplicated pregnancy with him, I felt pretty good about having a baby at the end. This time it isn't like that at all. How do you cope? I have no idea. I wish I had an answer. Time makes it easier. Each day further in makes it easier. Each kick and tumble makes me know the baby is doing well. And seeing my son and knowing how amazing kids are makes it that much easier.

In 5 weeks I will be 30 weeks and I know the odds of a healthy baby jump astronomically. So I am now counting the next 5 weeks down!

20 weeks!!

Even posting I am 20 weeks amazes me. This pregnancy is going so fast, and is a bit of a blur in so many ways. There have been so many moments I never even thought I would make it this far. Another 4 weeks and this pregnancy is considered "viable".

The good news is the 20 week anatomy scan went really well. No issues detected, and this little one was sucking it's thumb. So it looks like I have another sucker on the way (my son either has fingers in his mouth or a dummy/pacifier, regardless of bribes - but we are working on it). It did behave and everything looked great. Although my fundal height is 21, bub is measuring 40th percentile. So not too big, not too small :) Bub is also still breach, but it isnt really relevant at this point (except for the kicks to my bladder! urgh!) I couldn't have been happier with the results. My husband is convinced he saw something and it is a boy - somehow his 0 years of training in sonography means he is convinced it is a boy ;) I think he saw shadows!

We also now have a date for the c-section. It is weird to know this bubs birthday. But I wanted to book it in, as it is very close to some Jewish holidays.

As for me, still struggling with energy in a big way. I also got ill, and just toppled over and spent two days in bed, unable to eat. But that, thankfully passed quickly. I am getting uncomfortable, but my belly is still pretty compact for a second pregnancy at 20 weeks. I am still yet to tell heaps of people, and will probably keep it that way.

So over half way there. It is sad I am not enjoying it more. I love the feel of bub wriggling around - this bub is either more active than my son, or I am just feeling it more, but really happy I get to experience that more this time. Loving my growing belly, always a nice reminder of what is happening in there.

Everyone else out there in fertility nightmare world - hang in there! It gets better and miracles happen!

16 weeks!!!

I really didn't think I would get to 12 weeks, let alone 16 weeks. This bub is super active, and I am feeling plenty of movement. Moreso than I ever remember with my son - but I only felt him at 18 weeks. I saw my ob's locum on Monday, and he scanned the bub - whose heart rate is still a wonderful 160. He is very happy with things, and I am still being told all is NORMAL. The pain I am getting is most likely scarring from my previous c-section. It does worry me, but it passes, and everything else looks okay. I am hoping the nausea/vomiting has passed too. But we will see :)

Next big scan in 4 weeks!

Why I will choose a c-section and be proud of it!

Some people look at me confused when I say this baby is going to come mid-September and not on the 1st of October (the EDD). They are even more confused when I proudly state I will have a c-section again. My son was breech and at 38 weeks I found out I was to have him in 4 days. I had prepared myself for a vaginal birth, and was shocked by this change in plan. But him being born safely was more important than standing on my head to try and get him to flip. I didn't find the experience horrendous, and recovered really well (but yes recovery is hard).

What gets me now is this expectation that to really experience being a Mother I need to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). That somehow I am failing, or I am taking the easy way (yeah right, with a toddler at home to look after), or whatever other deluded notion is out there. I am sick of seeing this all the time. There are so many benefits to a VBAC - being able to drive, being able to pick up my 3 year old, being able to provide a microflora through the birthing process to my baby. However there are a number of risks involved in VBAC. And I have just had so many risks to date, that after I lost my last baby I knew I would do a c-section (and yes I was contemplating a VBAC with the last one).

So to give you some idea :
I lost a baby after 10 weeks seeing a heartbeat. I have seen stats that have said that seeing this reduces your chance of miscarriage to about 0.7% (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18310375_). Seriously, that is less than 1 miscarriage per 100 pregnancies.

I was told I had a small sac. Rates estimate a small sac at 80% loss. That is 8 out of every 10 pregnancies will miscarry with a small sac (now I feel these numbers are very skewed, but it is what is out there). (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/755264_2 this article states and even higher rate of 94% so 9.4 pregnancies out of 10!) I defied the odds with that one.

VBAC uterine rupture rates are 0.2-1.5% (1 in 500 VBACS) and success rates of VBACS are about 60-80% (3-4 women out of 5) (http://americanpregnancy.org/labor-and-birth/vbac/).

Now this may seem like great odds, but they are not good enough for me. I had such a small chance of losing my last pregnancy and I did. I am not willing to fall into the 1 in 500, or even the 1-2 women who will fail at a VBAC. I have too much to lose.

To me this is a statistical game of minimising risk (something I do a lot of in my job in public health). When I said to my obstetrician that I wanted to minimise risk, he knew exactly what I was talking about. There are more numbers I can throw here (in regard to the IVF process), but suffice to say, things happen.

So I am putting my child first. I want a healthy uncomplicated birth - and to me that is a c-section (and I know there are those that will disagree, you have that right). However, if I had a vaginal birth with my first, that would be my choice now. If I had not lost the last baby, I would have considered a VBAC. But things change, and I should not be made felt less of a mother because I am choosing what I think is the harder option in the long term. I still have pain from my previous c-section and always will. I will struggle with a newborn and a toddler, but I don't care. So for all of you who try and make women feel less or inadequate because we choose to birth in a different way - think twice. you have no idea what that mum has been through.

15 weeks!

Not too much news (which is a good thing!) from me. I am 15 weeks today, and still feel ill. The exhaustion and nausea are still around, but I am okay with that. My knee is being brutal, and not sure how I am going to cope with another 6 months of being in this amount of pain. The pain is bad, but it is the lack of sleep and the fact that I am scared I may fall down when I put weight on it. I expect it will just get worse as I get bigger.

I have a nice small bump I am still managing to hide :) It is nice to see it and to see it growing. I still am scared, and have freak out moments where I wait to feel that tell tale pressure, or a little flutter. But it is very hard. I read an article today about a woman's infertility battle. She described her pregnancy as a PTSD IVF pregnancy. I think it is so right. We are all slightly traumatised by the experience, and while others celebrate, we freak out over the smallest thing. If you are interested here is the article:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/03/17/after-i-v-f-pregnant-but-still-stuck-in-the-past/?_r=0

For me, I am scared of buying maternity clothes, and feel that fear of what if it goes wrong every time I tell someone else. But I need to let go of the fear at some point. It is just really tough.

12 weeks - results!

**last update post! ***

I made it to 12 weeks!!! Today marks my 12th week, and the end of this week will mark the end of the first trimester. I am officially off the meds as of today (again scary, but any signs my body is not liking being off the meds I am calling the doctor), as the placenta should have well and truly taken over. I am still scared and nervous and we still have not announced it to anyone. Partly as the kids do not know yet. Partly as I am scared things will still go wrong. I did make the decision that once my screen came back I would start posting my old posts. So in a few days you should all be caught up and at this post :) As I haven't announced it ( I won't on facebook either), please keep this news to yourself!

I did get my screening results yesterday (it took 8 days!!! not 14). The genetic counsellor who called me had on a very slow sad sounding voice. I thought, oh no it is bad. How bad. Oh f*#@. But I waited and got the news that all tests showed baby is low risk for everything!!! She said to me with such a low risk to just go about the pregnancy with the normal check ups. NORMAL CHECK UPS!!! I was in tears. Bursting. Still can't quite believe it. Still scared. But smiling. SMILING! I just want to start feeling this baby move. Once I get there, it will be just a little easier. But I can still feel this uterus pushing and growing, so that reassures me, and I still feel horrid, especially at night.

The other problem is my knee has swelled up. No idea why (I have a very bad knee anyway), but this pain has been different, and keeps me awake at night. Seems to feel better when I move it, but the minute I stop.. oh it hurts when I move it. I was worried my knee would play up with my first pregnancy and it was fine, it was also fine in my second, but this time... eek! Hopefully it will settle. Keep us in your prayers for this bub still growing and getting stronger!

*** 13 weeks - TODAY! **

I decided to add this on to the post I wrote a week ago. When I started posting the old posts, I had yet to tell anyone about the pregnancy. I knew I was coping with this pregnancy by almost forgetting I was pregnant. By not telling people, if something happened, maybe I could cope better, maybe it was not so real, maybe I could deny it had happened. Not the best way to cope, but starting to post even made me scared. People now KNEW.  And what if, just what if I started to tell people and I lost the baby. I told a friend at 6 weeks, and that same night I had the bleed and loss. So there was this absolute fear that I would jinx myself.

The good news is that we finally started letting people know. My stepson was told, and was so excited this time (unlike last time, when he said some hurtful things), my son seems to get it now, and tells me I have a baby in my stomach. He keeps asking when the baby is coming out, and always wants to give my tummy a kiss and say goodnight. It is very sweet. My family now knows, and some close friends. My work colleagues have also been told. No big grand Facebook announcement. No clever photos posted in instagram. None of that - just a call and seeing the smile on my friends and family faces. Means a lot to get that hug, that squeal and that look of shock and delight. It also means those that are close to us know, and not everyone who happens across my life. I hope to announce this baby when it is in my arms. something I still am scared about. But I am feeling those tell tale twinges every once in a while, which reassures me. I am also still feeling so ill! But better since I went off the meds. Oh and going cold turkey off the meds - was terrifying! I must say I was waiting for some bleeding etc, but a week later and no problems at all. I just count every moment as a blessing. Hoping that second trimester health kicks in now I am officially there. I got there last time, but this was the same time we went for a scan to find all was not so good. I also felt a lot better at this time last pregnancy - another sure sign bub was gone for longer than I thought.


Anyway, I will keep you all updated in real time now :) Thanks for reading, I have thought about going back and changing those headers - but the fact is it shows my thinking. My absolute fear that by posting this - that something would happen. That I didnt want to know others knew, in case something happened. We all cope differently, and this has been the way I have coped. I was in denial, but I am not anymore. This is happening, and I will keep praying and praying that the rest of this pregnancy is smooth sailing.

11 weeks

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. Apologies for some posts being out of order - that is the blogs fault. Nearly up to date with where I am at, one more old post and then an update from me!****

I made it to 11 weeks! I didn't think that would happen a few weeks ago. My doctor saw me and again we did a scan. Bub's heart is nice and strong, and my doctor is super happy with the way the pregnancy is progressing. So much so I am no longer being monitored! I am nervous about this, but at the same time, he must be seeing things that have made him confident. I have a friend who has a doppler, so hoping we can pick up the heart beat next week that way. I am now waiting for the screening tests, and once they come back, maybe, just maybe, I can start to relax and bond.

10 weeks!

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. Apologies for some posts being out of order - that is the blogs fault. Nearly up to date with where I am at.****

Last week was a big one for me. It was the week my doctor was going to let me know if he through this pregnancy was viable. I went in for my scan and we got great news. Firstly bub was moving! It also has an awesome heartbeat. It looked like the sack had grown some, but was still a little small. Bub was measuring perfect. My doctor told me he thinks the pregnancy is viable and that I have a very healthy little one in there. He finally booked me into his system, the hospital and got my paperwork (tests) started. I am optimistically hopeful. He also told me it was nice to see my smile :)

I have opted to have the Harmony Test. This is the new screening test they do, that looks at the DNA of the baby from mum's blood. It has to be done between 10-11 weeks to get a free scan in. I got in Tuesday (and yes they asked me why I called so late, but they were great when I explained), and we got to see bub again yesterday. Heartbeat is still awesome (164), and once it woke, it didn't stop shuffling in there. We got a 3D photo of its profile, and yes, I am past that point of non-attachment now. I am as attached as my last pregnancy. Good news was I asked specifically about the sack, and she said bub was measuring exactly right (10 weeks 5 days) and the sack was a good size (let's wait till I see my ob on Friday for confirmation). But things look really good. We saw toes, hands, the brain, the heart, even the umbilical cord. I had my blood test done and now I wait for the result. I am just praying for good news. The screening tests do worry me, but then this whole pregnancy has been a week to week waiting game.

Having said all that, one thing that has come out of it, is I now think I lost the last pregnancy earlier than indicated. I really wish they had given me some sort of estimate of when I lost it. She just said the bub measured right and was confused by the measurements and lack of heartbeat. I am not sure if she was telling me the truth. I thought bub looked small, and seeing this nearly 11 week beauty - I saw a lot of similar things. I probably was around 11-12 weeks when I lost the last one, and not 12.5 weeks like I thought. It may not make a difference, but mentally, it makes me feel better that I may be getting close to that point, and will get a different outcome.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough. My husband told me he doesn't feel confident - I think we have just been through too much, and there has just been too much fear this pregnancy. He doesn't even want to start telling people when I hit the second trimester. And I must admit I am scared of telling people too. But I am showing, so at some point it is going to come out. My Dad called my Mum asking her if I was pregnant - so people are figuring it out. Hopefully though everything comes back clear and in two weeks I can start telling people the good news. But it is another long long two weeks. Tomorrow I am 11 weeks, and I could not be more thankful!

8.5 weeks

 ***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! ****

Yesterday's scan went fine. Still a heartbeat and I am still pregnant. Now the long wait until next week. If things look good next week, we will be in a much safer spot. (saying that, no warning signs last pregnancy, 10 week scan was fine and I still lost it). So scared, but still taking it week to week.

8 weeks

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! ****

I couldn't sleep all night. My nerves got the better of me as I waited for my scan this morning. The two things I wanted to see, the things I convinced myself if I saw  then it would be all right, was that it had grown and maybe caught up and that the heartbeat was stronger. I got my wish. Bub is now only a day behind and the heartbeat is well over 160. I'm still not out of the woods. The sack is still measuring small and I am still classified as a threatened miscarriage. My doctor told me he has seen pregnancies like this resolve themselves but he needs me to be aware and prepare myself that it still may not work out. I am still on weekly monitoring. I have another scan on Monday with his locum (he is away for the week) and I see him again the week after. He has told me at that point we should have a better idea. I'll be nearly 10 weeks which is when the placenta kicks in. I think that's why it will take till then To see what happens. The sack is less important as the placenta takes over (can anyone tell me if that's right?)

It's pretty tough. I'm still in no mans land. I have looked to google (ergh!) and I can see it can go either way. Some of the photos I've seen of the losses have a very tight sack with no space at all. Mine does have some space - but I never asked how far behind the sack is, so I really can't evaluate it. 

It's crazy. This pregnancy is being monitored like crazy as it's not tracking as they would like. My previous one was perfect. Measured perfect, heartbeat was about 140, saw it moving at 10 weeks. Even the 13 week scan it had measured on track. And I still lost that baby. For no reason with no markers. So as scary as this is, I'm also realistic that anything can happen at any point . 

And now I continue to wait. I just feel like I bought us another week, not good, not bad. 

By the time I post this even I will know the outcome. Hopefully miracles with this pregnancy will continue. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

6 weeks : A miscarriage and a heartbeat

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! ***


My 5 week blood tests came back perfect. I was still measuring high, and my progesterone had gone up. I have had terrible morning sickness, and tiredness, and I have suspected that both embryos may have taken. At  6 weeks I went in and had another blood draw. I was told my blood levels had risen nicely, but me being me, checked my numbers. I noticed they were not as high as I would have expected at 6 weeks, and my progesterone had dropped a little. I decided to call my nurse and question her the next day about the numbers (I had a different nurse give me the results), and see if I could get an early scan. I just had this feeling something was wrong.

That night, I lay down and my uterus felt funny. It was a feeling over the whole uterus - and I knew there was something wrong. I went to the bathroom to check (as you do), and discovered some red spotting. Coupled with my numbers, the weird uterine feeling, and the spotting, I called my husband (who was working) and told him it looked bad and that I thought I could miscarry. I called my mum as well for support. I then got up, felt a whoosh, and knew it was bad. The next few hours was spent with a lot of blood loss, and massive (palm sized) clots being passed, and pain. I knew it was all over then. I rang my doctor, who said to stay on the meds, and get a scan tomorrow morning, and that it didn't sound good, but he has had this happen, and the foetus is still retained. The bleeding subsided and I went for my scan. It amazed me how fast it all happened, how quickly all the bleeding stopped and the lack of severe pain.

I have had enough scans to know a 6 week foetus, and as she started the scan (this was the same room and sonographer who did my 12 week scan and found I had lost the last one), I thought I saw something. She was so quick to go to that little precious baby - who had a heartbeat. I cried, I asked her three times if I was still pregnant, I could not believe it. The suspicion (and it all fits), is that I passed the second embryo, but thankfully I still had one of them going strong. There was no evidence that the bleed was caused by something else, although they could see a little old blood still up in the uterus. It would explain my numbers not increasing so rapidly, and the fact I did not feel so unwell (nauseous) for a few days. As I am writing this I am still crying knowing I am still pregnant. The amount I passed, well I can not believe I still have a baby in me. I also can not fathom how amazing the body is, to remove one and keep the other.  I have felt terribly unwell however. And I am struggling to get through the day. Massive headaches, extreme tiredness and breathlessness, and quite a bit of pain in my uterine area. My body is still recovering from what has happened. I hope and pray I get to 12 weeks, but I am terrified now. Even urinating brings back the sensation of miscarrying. But I need to be strong for this little one.

Not the news I was hoping for.

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! *** 

The title of this blog is what my husband said to me after we saw my doctor. Pretty much I was told that the baby was measuring a little small (the sonographer didn't mention this to me, she actually said it measured fine). 3 days behind to be exact. He did another scan, and thankfully there is still a heart beating away. He measured the baby, and although it is falling within the average it is falling on the small side. What he has told me is it could go either way at this point, he won't be able to tell me for a few more weeks. Given my history I am at high risk. I have to be monitored weekly, and I go in for another scan and to see him again next week. He is also not booking me in for anymore tests, or hospitals etc.

So to catch up, I am 7 weeks 1 day, and have no idea what is going to happen. I am tempted to start posting these so I can hear your stories, but as there are a few people that know me who read this blog, I have been reluctant. For now I am going with my old adage of focus on what is going right. 1. We have a heartbeat (and I was told it was a good heartbeart). 2. The baby has grown, even if it is small. 3. There is no bleeding. I have read lots of very hopeful stories, and I know my last pregnancy measured spot on and I still lost it. So anything can happen. It is just very stressful and hard to cope with.

the IVF TWW

***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! ***

I had my last transfer last week. Both embryos survived, and I have been playing the waiting game. I thought I might tell you what happened this time around.

Tuesday - transfer day.
Wednesday - I had a strong shooting pain from my hip, down to my knee.
Thursday - Again the same pain, to the point I had to stop and doubled over in pain.
Friday - I woke really early, and had some slight pain, like the other days, but milder. I did not get any more pain after this. The waking early has continued.
Saturday-Monday - nothing much to report, feel crappy, but that is nothing new on the progesterone.
Tuesday - I started to dry heave. This is something I don't do, but the nausea and the heaving made me thing I either had gastro.. or.....
Tuesday night - I bit the bullet and did a home test. I also got some spotting after my pessary use.
Wednesday morning - another test.Rang the clinic, and they said I could come in a day early




*** drum roll *****












*** keep going!!! *****



Thursday - Blood test results - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and yes my home tests were positive too!!! they came up straight away).


One of the things that threw me was the lack of CM. The pessaries dry you out big time I discovered. So even though this was a marker for my past pregnancies, it wasn't this time. I also just KNEW I was. A feeling.

My results are high for day 14, but not high enough to think it is twins yet. So I have to wait for the scan. I would prefer a singleton pregnancy, as I just do not want to risk another loss, but I will feel blessed whatever happens. I now pray for a healthy baby at the end. And trying to not over react or panic. It is surreal and scary, and I feel dreadful (and so happy about that one!).

Oh so quiet in here!

From tomorrow I am about to post a heap of posts I have written over the last few months. When you see them you will understand why I have been so quiet. I decided to hold off publishing them, as I have not been ready to face what was happening. Still not sure I am :) But.... I promised myself I would start, so hold on for the first post tomorrow!