The endometrial scratch biopsy - all you wanted to know (or the TMI post!)

So lots happened when I saw my specialist yesterday. One thing I really like about him, is he doesn't wave my concerns away, and he sees me and my history AND, he said to me quite bluntly, I have not given up on you yet! They are really wonderful words to hear when you feel so down about it all. When I  said I was happy to have the biopsy (and I was going to ask about it), he said he has had some success in the past doing this. I also said my husband was fed up and didn't want to do IVF anymore, and he agreed. He said we have given it 5 blastocysts (after this FET), and if it hasn't worked we should go back to what we know works IUI. He said in some women, the more natural approach just works better. He also said IVF had not been too great for me, and he with the expense, it just was not worth the risk. So no more IVF for this little chicken (after the FET). My husband is up to trying with IUI again as well - so I am not out yet!! He also is happy to do some investigations to make sure I didn't get an infection after the miscarriage, and make sure there is nothing obvious going on (which is why I have not got pregnant). So I have a way forward, and am very happy about it. Having said that, let's hope I don't have to go down that path, and the FET works. But it is nice to see that my chances of having another child are not over and done with.

Okay, so if you have read through all of that, here comes the TMI post. All about this biopsy. First thing to know, is that they harm the lining of your uterus. This causes a healing response which for some reasons increases the receptiveness of the embryos to implant. The theory is that inflammation and immune cells go to the site and this results in the more receptive lining. There is a bit out there, and I am getting my head around the science of it. It can increase implantation by 50%!! You have to have it done on a off cycle (so no meds, no stimming etc), and then do a FET the cycle after. So you can;t do it on a fresh cycle, and you can not do it on a medicated cycle.

So what is it like. Umm.. not very pleasant at at all. Turn away now if you are squeamish

Pretty much he had to get a tool to grab a hold of my cervix, so he could push through the brush (which is what does the damage). The minute that brush goes through your cervix, your whole body cramps (and keeps cramping), and it is very uncomfortable. He then literally brushes your uterus, and you can feel it. You can feel it pushing against you from the inside, and it is very weird. You do bleed, and I am still bleeding today. I did find I needed pain killers after the event (something I didn't know). Would I do it again? If it works, 100%. It isn't fun to do - but considering everything we have been through I would definitely say go for it, if you think it will help! so now I wait for AF, and my final final IVF cycle!

Exciting and unexpected news!

Okay, so first off I am not pregnant :) BUT!!! I do have some exciting news. I just got a call about being apart of an IVF trial. They are trying to see what helps implantation, and I have been offered a scratch biopsy as part of it. I was going to ask my specialist about doing the scratch biopsy (as I had heard it helps implantation) - now I will definitely get it!! I am still so stoked about this, as I really had no idea if they would agree to it. The stats I read is that it some studies, a scratch biopsy increases the likelihood of a pregnancy by 20%! I will work with that :)

The last few months

I wish I had an amazing post, some amazing news, but it is not meant to be. The last few months have seen me go through two medicated FETs. The first was a single and the second was a double. All up (since my loss), I have had 4 failed IUIs, and 2 failed FETs. I am losing hope very fast. We have two frosties still, and I am taking a break. We have had a bit of a disaster at home, which has seen me moving our family from temporary accommodation, to temporary accommodation, while we await insurance to fix it. The problem is there is no accommodation available as it is December, so we are staying with family and friends. It is exhausting, the IVF is exhausting, and I just want to get to a good place mentally and physically for my final try. Yup, it looks like once we do the last FET, DH wants out. I am not ready yet to give up, hopefully next year brings some surprises with it. I am just unsure what else to do - I am getting some counselling to help me through things, and through that finding some more hope in this process.

Have a great christmas and new year, may all your dreams come true.

A big brother who isn't

My son is 2 and a half now. Had my pregnancy gone to term, my son would be a big brother to a 10 month old. This weekend, we bumped into someone I knew, who had a son a few days off my due date. Well my little man went crazy for this baby boy. He left our table, went and sat next to this little munchkin, and proceeded to hug him, play him and was completely enamoured with the little fella. I saw what could have been, what my son would be like as a big brother. He knew exactly what to do, and it was just beautiful to see. I do hope I can give him the opportunity to be a big brother - he would be so amazing.

Pregnancy news - The royals and the duggars

The last week or two has been rife with pregnancy announcements. The Duggars in particular really P#$$ed me off. You may ask why? Well it is simple. They announced early because they feel that any life is precious, and regardless of the outcome they want everyone to know. So why does this annoy me? Because I lost my baby at 13 weeks. I still have friends who do not know about it. The choice to tell people was taken away from me, when my boss told people about my loss and my pregnancy without my consent. To me, my loss does not mean my pregnancy is any less real or important because I did not share. It means it was something private and important to me. It is such a thoughtless comment. If they want to announce early - fine. But don't make it seem it is because you want to cherish this pregnancy and baby - and telling the world is the only way it makes it real. You told people because you want the fame. My baby was real, but it was my pregnancy, my loss and not something I want the world to know about (so I blog anonymously instead!).

As to the royals, I feel for them. They have had to comment due to the situation. I am jealous though... but I am jealous of a few friends who have announced as well.. I am just tired and thinking (even with the embryos waiting), it is just not going to happen...

End of my rant post...

Next Steps

I saw my specialist today - to work out the next phase. He asked me if I wanted to start preparing for a transfer now - which took me by surprise. I am still super tired, and he must have seen I was not quite ready for it. I said I thought I would wait till I got my next period - and he was happy with that. Actually he was very happy for me to wait, and give my body some more time to calm down. I have already got AF since the Egg Collection, so I know it won't be a ridiculously long wait.

Now for the FET (frozen embryo transfer). He wants me on hormones, as my periods are so erratic. The minute he mentioned more medication I was reluctant. He reassured me that is was just an estrogen pill, and some progesterone suppositories (to thicken my lining). At about day 10 I will go in for a scan to see what is happening, and to prepare for the transfer timing. I am pretty nervous about this next step - which shows me I am really not ready yet - even for a FET. Hopefully I will be emotionally ready soon (and maybe I should get another counselling session.. something to think about). He did mention how much easier an IUI was - and I said I didn't think I could go another IVF  again. He said he doubts I would have to, as he is pretty positive with these embryos we will get a result :)

So the results are..
2 A grade embabies
2 B grade embabies &
1 C grade embabies

Right across the board there in relation to the quality.

So I guess the plan is the first FET - 1 of the A grades will go in. If it fails, will put in an A and a B and see what happens...they each have a 33% chance of working :) odds for once are in my favour :)

OHSS - what they don't tell you and day 5 freeze report

So unfortunately I have got Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. It has made me quite ill and quite confused, as my symptoms were not what I expected. I mentioned the other day to my IVF nurse that I was still feeling pretty horrid, and had quite a bit of pain. I couldn't get to the clinic in time to see the doctor, and was told to go to hospital if I felt worse. That night I felt even worse, shakes, very hot, in pain and generally getting worse. To me it was the fact I kept feeling worse. So I went to Emergency. We were there until 4am. They ruled out anything major, but did a diagnosis of OHSS. They were able to speak with my specialist as well, and he was also able to give advice. The hospital were great, they gave me strong anti-nausea tablets, pain medication and put me on a slow drip. I know with OHSS you can't do heaps of fluid as it just pools in your body spaces. The gyno registrar saw me and allowed me to go home as long as I got checked at the IVF clinic. I went the next day and had my scan which showed very enlarged ovaries and some fluid in my spaces. I was told I do have OHSS.

What surprises me, is I just didn't expect my OHSS to be like this. The pain was bad, but mainly to the touch. My fluid retention was there, but not to the point I was expecting. What got me, was the fact I started to feel worse. And today I feel even worse (6 days after egg retrieval).  I think I have been waiting for the big signs - massive overnight weight gain, vomiting  (I do have terrible reflux, nausea but no actual over the toilet vomiting), diarrhoea etc. What I can say, is if you start to feel better (which I was) and then start to feel worse - don't leave it! Get checked out. Chances are you have mild/moderate OHSS, especially if like me you are at high risk.

I am a little disappointed with the freeze report. We have 14 embies make it to day 5, but only 4 were suitable for freezing. They may freeze some day 6 as well. As long as the embryo takes, 4 is heaps, I guess with everything that has happened, I just don't feel so positive right now. Hopefully some of you can make me feel better with this report!

Egg Retrieval - not so simple after all!

So I am finally back at work (we will see how long I last), and at a computer. So during my break I thought I would update you all on what has been happening.

Last week, I came down with a cold (courtesy of Mr A.). That, along with my very bloated ovaries made me quite ill. I had the shakes, severe nausea and insomnia. I couldn't get to work, and ended up taking Thursday and Friday off. On Thursday I had my scan which told me I had just over 60 follicles between the two ovaries. They were thankfully still within an acceptable size, and I only had a small amount of fluid. My hormone levels were still good (low estrogen), and the decision was made by my specialist to still trigger with Ovidrel (HCG), but cancel a transfer back this week. I was however on 4 hour pain killers, as the pain was building up (in both my ovary and backs - I could actually feel the ovaries through my skin - that was weird). The reason they avoid using HCG - is pregnancy hormone makes OHSS worse. There is heaps on how OHSS works, and if anyone wants me to explain, let me know and I will post a hopefully easy to read explanation.

I triggered that night at 11pm, and by Friday night I was actually starting to feel better. I think not stimming anymore just helped my body relax a little. On Saturday I got my son ready (my wonderful mum came and took him for the day), got myself ready and then we went to the hospital. The pain was starting to build up again, and I was very uncomfortable. At the same time I was admitted, my husband did his thing. I never actually saw him again, and found out from the embryologist that they had a sample. I had to sign some documents, and was taken to a room to change. I then saw the embryologist - who checked all my paperwork. She was actually surprised they were not doing a fresh transfer based on my estrogen levels, but I am so happy we are doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). The doctor doing the retrieval was not my doctor, and I got two seconds with him saying when did you trigger and running out the door again (not so impressed with his bedside manner, he may not have been my doctor, but he could have been a little nicer). My anaesthesiologist came in, checked me out (he is lovely, same guy who did my d&c last year) and was happy I could proceed even with the cold. I was taken into the surgical room, via the laboratory where I had to confirm who I was (a small part of me misses the lab - and it was cool to see it in action), and jumped onto the bed. There were two huge stirrups which was kind of intimidating. The anaesthesiologist put a line into my hand and started to inject fluids to put me to sleep. There were a lot of people in the OR, but the next minute I woke up in recovery.

This is where things didn't go as well for me (as usual). The first thing I asked for was some pain relief. The pain was that bad. I got some meds in my canular, but it didn't help much. I ended up getting the full dose, and oral pain relief, and it did help to a point but I was still in pain. I also found it very hard to open my eyes and wake up. It was a real struggle. When they finally sat me up, I started to shake all over - and once I ate something, that settled a little. In between all of this the doctor came and said they got 30 eggs. That was it (his patients he spoke to - would have been nice to have had something else from him) When I was ready to go home, they got me to sit in a chair for ten minutes. Within a few minutes I started feeling nauseous, shaky and faint, with tingling in my mouth. They took my blood pressure, which was fine, but I got worse and they had to lay me down. They then gave me an anti-nausea med and let me lay there for a few minutes. The nurse told me I had gone grey. I was then able to sit up and go home. I fell asleep the minute I got home and kept up the pain meds.

Pretty much everything hurt. It seems with ER you can either be absolutely fine, or be terrible. They don't quite warn you how bad it is. Or how much time you need to recover. Some of the things I found out:
- It hurts to pee. Firstly it was like a UTI feeling, but then it was just my poor swollen ovaries feeling it. It still hurts three days later.
- You won't poo for a few days. It took two days with me, and this hurt. You can not push at all without extreme pain.
- If you have IBS expect it to play up. I had one of the worst attacks I have ever had (and I rarely get them), so much so my husband was about to take me to the hospital. This was brought on by my lack of ability to go to the bathroom, combined with the pain I already had. Yeah. Not nice.
- The more eggs, the more pokes, the more pain. Heat packs are your friend.
- Two days to recover at least, lots of bed rest. Good thing is a good sleep normally worked wonders with my recovery.
- I still had spotting two days later.
- You will bloat! I don't think I have bloated as badly as some others, and I expect it to start disappearing either when the HCG from the trigger leaves my body or I get AF. My stomach did feel very hard.
- You will be gassy. This gas will hurt. This gas will not want to leave you.
- You will struggle to eat. All those inflamed organs, they don't want too much.food


There are some great sites on what they don't tell you about egg retrieval. I wish I had read them earlier. For now, three days post-op, I am still in pain (still on pain meds and heat packs - I bought it to work with me). Finding it hard to walk long distances without feeling ill, and generally better, but not great. So I am super happy we are holding off putting those babies back in. I will have one month off, to let everything settle down, and then we will do a transfer back. Not sure how that all works yet, but once I do will update you all.

Now is the waiting to see how many make it to freeze. Even if 50% make it, that is still 10 embabies we have. Still amazed by it all. I know that as hard as this cycle is, we have had an amazing outcome, and we are very lucky to have got this far with so many.

Fertilization report

I'm still recovering from the ER, so again a short post. Normally with a fert report, they will tell you how many fertilized the next day. As that was Sunday, I had to wait an extra day. Good news was -20 fertilized and still going strong!! I don't expect all will get to day 5 freeze, but I'm super amazed this 37 year old PCOS body did so well. Makes this process worthwhile (and hopefully something I won't have to ever do again!!). Will write all about the last few days when I'm up to it!

All done.

This will be short and sweet. When I'm feeling up to it I'll post about it - but my egg retrieval went really well and they got 30 eggs. Crazy number. Not feeling so good, but wanted to let you all know! Will update on Monday about the procedure and fertilization report!

Trigger time!

I had my scan this morning, and I have about 60 follicles ranging in size from 14-18mm. This is way too many follicles and I just got word that we will be doing a frozen transfer and not transferring this cycle. I am at very high risk of ovary hyper stimulation syndrome - I think it's a given. Getting pregnant will make it worse, and I feel so terrible I just want the eggs out and not to be pregnant. Sigh. That sounds terrible but I couldn't imagine getting pregnant next week and having to deal with feeling so lousy with no time to recover. So probably best. As for my cycle, I have to skip next month and the transfer is likely to be in September. Saturday and not come soon enough. 

Diary of a salt addict.

So this is what my haul from the stores looked like today. It is the only thing I want - salt. And as much as I can. No one warned me about the massive salt cravings you get from the stims (I never had this during IUI!). So rehydration drinks, and salt and vinegar crackers... I need you to get in my belly!

All is going well with my hormone levels, even though I feel like I am going to fall over into a heap. I am on pain killers to help me get to work, and on top of all that I have got myself a cold. Sigh. I know it will be worth it, I know it, I just do. bring on Saturday.. please!!!

IVF - day 9

Today I am cd9 (cycle day 9). I went in for a scan on cd5 and blood tests. My left ovary (which I thought was a little sore), had 50 small follicles, my right had 20. 70 follicles overall. That is a hell of a lot, and explains my pain. My blood - in particular the estrogen, were fine, so I could continue  as protocol.

I started taking my certotide, the antagonist on CD7, and went back in for my scan today. Follicles numbers are down, I have about 30 on the left and 17 on the right. The biggest is measuring at 15mm - I have yet to reach the magic 18mm or bigger measure. This means I am continuing as stated, with Egg retrieval to likely be on Saturday. Which is awesome, as it means I don't have to take time off work. I find out later how my estrogen level is.

So how am I feeling? Sore and uncomfortable and awfully exhausted. My left ovary in particular  hurts to the touch, but a lot is happening on there. I also feel nauseous and I have a small amount of bloat. I have to watch it really carefully as it could lead to OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome), which can lead to all sorts of issues, and if really bad hospitalisation. The biggest risk is straight after the egg retrieval, as the trigger can cause it to get worse. I have been told to control pain with paracetamol and drink a lot more (though putting anything into my body is hard right now). At least I am responding, but again not as fast as usual (but better than my IUI round). I have another acupuncture session tomorrow, maybe that will help settle things a little!

Just a note - because I have PCOS, a lot of those follicles are immature follicles that may have no egg, or never mature. It is a side effect of the PCOS and is why it was called poly cystic ovaries (though it is not actually a cyst but an immature follicle causing the issue). It took ages with my scan, but the follicles were pretty consistent in size across both ovaries, so that is a great thing. Will see what happens next.

Who needs Costco when you got IVF!

I start my meds today. I was explained everything and sent on my way with the biggest bag of meds. I really felt like I had done a costco trip!

 My haul consisted of my daily injection of follicle stimulating hormone, antagonists to stop me ovulating (which I will start in a few days probably), hcg to trigger ovulation and crinone - the progesterone support for after egg retrieval. Wow. Makes it all more real. First scan on Friday. It is only cd5, but they are not expecting to see anything just want to determine if we need to start the antagonistic. Stabby stab!

And so it begins!

On Friday I rang the IVF clinic, to ask them how to go about getting an appointment etc. AF was due next week, but as luck would have it, my luteal phase was short (no suprises) and AF came over the weekend. The problem was/is I could not get an appointment until tomorrow. Day 1 of AF is when you get full flow, not the early spotting you may get (I get anyway). I started spotting Saturday night, which continued all day Sunday, when AF arrived properly Sunday night. IVF starts on Day 2 - so because it arrived Sunday night, it means Monday is day 1, and Tuesday is day 2 - I just make it! (technically, day 3 starts late Tuesday night). So I go in tomorrow get my meds and start IVF... still feels surreal!

Here we go!

IVF consult, and the results of my loss

Yesterday afternoon was huge, but we got everything done so we are now clear to start IVF.

We had our counselling appointment. This counsellor was so much better than the last one. She was respectful and understanding that we have done 9 cycles of infertility treatment, we have had a loss and we are realistic. We know what is coming, and we are both a little anxious (as I am so horrid when I am on the drugs - as I have written about before). But it was good to hear what my husband had to say, and we are on the same page, which helps.

We then spoke to a co-ordinator, and my husband scored a pen. It was his highlight! It had egg and sperm in it floating about- he thought it was hilarious!! So we got that crossed off.

I then saw my specialist, and he worked out my schedule. I am not the best responder, so we are going in hard and heavy.
- First off I will be on a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone), like I was with IUI. On IUI we got 1 follicle on 100ug. On IVF they start you at a dose of 150ug, with a max of 450 ug. We are starting at 300 ug! 3 time the dose I have been on, and double the starting dose. Let's hope this is enough to get me going. I am lucky we know this already from my IUI.
- They will then monitor me (with scans and blood tests), and once I reach a 12mm follicle, they will put me on an antagonistic injection (there is  a spray as well), to stop me from ovulating early.
- They will then wait till the follicles get to 20mm, and they hope to get about 10 follicles/eggs. They say to do egg retrieval for 3 eggs or more, but my doctor wants to cancel if we don't get about 5 (we don't pay till we do an ER), and try again with a higher dose.
- You then trigger with a HCG injection (as you do in IUI), to start the ovulation process.
- the ER is then done under light sedation (24 hours off work), and husband does his thing. Egg and sperm are then left to do their kinky thing!
- They transfer 5 day blastocysts - so transfer would be 5 days later. Just like an IUI with a guided catheter into the uterus. But with your embryo and no sperm. Hubby will be with me, and we will be able to watch the whole thing!
- Then the dreaded two week wait!

We did ask about transferring two. Legally we are in our right to transfer two, but my doctor said for someone with a proven reproductive past (that made me smile!! some positive words!), he would recommend one only at the first transfer - so that is what we will do.

Oh and statistics. For 36 year old - it is about a 40% live birth rate (not pregnancy, that is a take home baby), and 35% for a 37 year old. As I am about to turn 37 - he is giving me 37%. As each IUI was a 20% chance of a pregnancy (not live birth rate), these odds have me super hopeful, and better than I thought. 1% chance of a twin pregnancy with a single transfer, and 30% with a double.

I am about to ovulate (yay!), so I expect to start in about two weeks!

I finally had the nerve to ask my doctor as well what the test results were on our loss. Sadly, there was no testing done :( I am gutted - I thought we would have some answers, but knowing they either just didn't do the test (even though it was requested), or there was not enough material (how that could be at a 13 week loss I dont know), just hit me so so hard.  A year later, and I thought I could really close this chapter. Still not sure how I will go with the ER - it is in the same hospital as my loss. Having said that my friend gave birth to her daughter in the same hospital after losing and birthing her 17 week twin sons. So I really should suck it up, and realise others have been through much worse and still came through it!

Will keep you updated!

Sleepless nights

Sometime between now and next week, my baby's heart stopped beating. It is a year since we found out our 13 week old pregnancy had ended. I didn't think the year anniversary would get to me as much as it has. I have been sleeping badly, having really vivid crazy dreams. Nothing in particular, but not feeling great about stuff. It was even mentioned to me today how tired I sounded.

Has anyone else gone through this? Around the anniversary - just sleeping badly? It is hard to forget it, as we found out the day before my birthday. So it is now a double anniversary. I think I am okay, but these nights are really tough.

Tomorrow we go in for IVF counselling and seeing my doctor to work out the IVF plan. I still have not ovulated, so still a few weeks away before we start. Will update after tomorrow's visits.

Waiting....

I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings. I know many of you probably feel the same way, but too scared to voice your feelings.

Right now I am waiting for my call to organise my appointment for counselling. I am actually angry about the counselling. What are they going to tell me I don't already know? I have a PhD in molecular biology - I probably know more than they do about what happens in that petri dish, I have suffered a loss (at the end of the first trimester, not even early on when it is more at risk), I have been through 9 cycles of treatment, and now I will need to sit and hear this woman (as they usually are) discuss our fertility journey, sex life, personal life and upcoming treatments. It pisses me off. To me it is just another money grab. We have done counselling, I don't need more. And the next bit - which is probably where I need counselling - I won't discuss. They don't know me, they don't know how to help. So I am writing it here instead.

On top of that I am still scared, and not very hopeful. My Aunt - who has been through it all, and was one of the first Aussie IVFers - actually said to me, she knows exactly where I am coming from. It gets to a point where you just don't think it will work. And I think that is exactly how I feel. The negative energy isn't helping matters, but I am not sure how to get myself hopeful for this upcoming IVF journey. I know the positives, but I just am scared. Scared it will not work, scared we will spend this money and still not have a baby, scared I will get pregnant and lose this one too, scared, scared, scared. Yet I look at my son, and I know it is all worth it. How do I take away the fear? I am so scared to tell my husband how I feel - if he knew he would probably shut it down. Tell us to either wait, or forget it - but I can't. I need to push through.

Any ideas for those that have been through it? Or about to start? The procedure itself is not scaring me.. I have done enough shots to not worry about it - but I already feel exhausted from the four IUIs over the last 6 odd months... the IVF idea just makes me feel like a wreck. But if it works it will all be worth it. I just feel like my head is going to explode :) lol!

Signing up

I received my Blue Form yesterday.  A registration form for IVF. With lots of boxes and questions about my fertility history, medical history, my husbands fertility history, weight (I took a guess, I have no idea!), work details, and on an on. Along with that to do IVF (or any reproductive processes), you have to get a POLICE check (yup you read that right - even though any one can just fall pregnant, you need special permission to undergo fertility treatments), and a children's check. We have these already, so it is one less thing I need to chase up. They will call us for another mandatory counselling session (what they can offer above what we have already been through, is yet to be seen), but they make money and get to tick off their boxes. I will be waiting till my next AF, so looks like my 37th Birthday present to me is IVF!

I wish I could be excited. I wish I had that feeling of hope, but right now I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure, and so hurt, as I should have another baby in my arms. It isn't like I have not been able to get pregnant before. I am mad I am about to be 37 - my age is against me, and that clock is ticking so loud. And most of all I am mad that I am not more grateful for what I already have. I have said to my mum and husband - are we being selfish spending all this money on IVF, when we have two kids (one step, one mine) at home who we could spend this money on. I am just so conflicted, and like my miscarriage feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I am not sure why I am responding so badly... I have been through this for years, and always knew this was something that could happen.

I rang the clinic, and the minute the nurse heard my voice she knew - she sounded as upset as I felt... hopefully this is the right decision. Right now I am just pushing forward, as I don't have the luxury of time to wait to get use to the idea, or decide if we actually want to do it. If I don't more time will pass, and it will be even harder. So I need to suck it up, hug my son and know it will be worth it in the end.

The Red Tent

There is a wonderful book called the Red Tent. It is about women in the middle east in ancient times, and how they dealt with the time of month. They all enter the red tent, and support each other during that time of month. It has been years since I read the book, but I wish I could track down a copy. Right now, I would love to be in a red tent, being able to hide from the world and the reality that I am not pregnant again. This TWW was one of the worst.

So what does that mean. Well I am about to embark on the crazy IVF rollercoaster. After hitting 36, it seems my body does not want to cooperate. There are positives. If we get enough embryos, we should have some frozen to try again, if it doesn't work. Or if it does, we may have some frozen for use later on. But financially it is going to be a huge hit. So I will be sharing all things IVF, especially here in Australia.

I want to feel excited, but I am so disappointed.
9 IUIs
2 pregnancy
1 amazing son
1 miracle little angel
4.5 months of waiting to find out
135 injections or there about
9 months of treatment
nearly $7500 already spent on treatments (not counting costs of a pregnancy, loss, and scans - that would make it well over the $10,000 mark).

Now onto IVF - which will double that budget quite quickly. Thankfully we get some money back, and my family have offered to help out. My Aunt went through it - so I have my family to fall onto.

Lucky 18!

Over the weekend I had wonderful growth. My little follicle grew up to a beautiful 18mm follicle. Now why is this lucky for me? When I got pregnant with my son, I had two follicles, one was 18mm the other smaller. My mother turned around and said to me - 18 - the number of life. Chai in hebrew means life - and the letters in hebrew add up to 18. I have been waiting a long long time to actually have a 18mm follicle on a scan again.

So what does this mean? Well it is IUI time! I will trigger tonight, we have been told to do our own thing (normally it is after, but they want us to go ahead earlier), and then on Thursday I will go back in. My naturopath (I love this woman), is coming in ESPECIALLY for me Thursday night and Friday morning to do acupuncture. I have been with her 7 years, and honestly, she has done more for me than most. I am so touched by her willingness to go out of her way for me. I really feel that there is not much else I can do to try and get things right.

So why am I petrified? I dont think I have ever been as scared to not have it work. I am trying so so hard not to panic about it, but I am not sure why the thought of IVF scares me so much. I think if anything, the IUI process has been so tough on me - I am exhausted by it all -  that I know going to IVF will be even harder. My medications would be through the roof (since I am not the best responder), and a day procedure, and then all that has to happen outside in a petri dish and the cost of it... just scares the &#!& out of me. Still I have to hope and be positive and send out sticky strong vibes this time it works, sticks and stays healthy till I have that baby in my arms. I do envy those people that decide they want a baby, go off birth control and wham bam thankyou mam! My friend made a comment along those lines to me (she knows what I have been through), and I just thought.. thanks a bunch. That is not my lot in life, and I have to be thankful for what I do have, which is more than a lot of people. Anyway hormones are probably getting the best of me.

This is going to be a long long looooong two week wait.

A positive step forward!

Around cd10 (cycle day 10), you go in and they check how your follicles are growing. For me it is common to have very little action. They then up my meds and hope that something happens. The two times I have got pregnant however, I have had a response at cd10 (post detox, and while I was breast feeding). Well it worked. Cd10 and I have the biggest follicle I have ever had at this point. I'm stoked, I just need it to keep getting bigger - I go back Monday for another scan. All going well Wednesday or Friday will be IUI time. I know I have done everything I could to make my body work and respond (and I'm sure being back on puregon has helped too). Will keep you all updated. 

An improved CD1

So AF arrived today!! Day 35 I started spotting. Such a difference to the last cycle on my own - day 53!! 18 day shorter cycle makes me hopeful. So after a mad run around to get to my clinic (I just started my new job, so telling them I had to go to my fertility clinic was not an option - lol, thankfully I am on my own most of the time and can make up work at home! Yay laptops), I have been cleared to my very final IUI cycle. I was also really happy that I have been put back onto puregon. Gonal-f hasn't resulted in a pregnancy, and although I know there is probably no difference - I get to use the same cartridge pen I have used to get pregnant twice. Silly things, silly signs, but it's what gets us through. So Friday I start. A nice dose up at 100. Acupuncture next week. And a lot of

Prayers. At least I know I have done everything with my diet, more exercise and some weight loss to make it work. Not much more I can do but pray. 

On a side note - this is more for interest, but there was a special email quick reading I did in August last year.  It was more a what the heck than anything. I will quote what she said here :

' I am picking up on a little girl for you, (with very thick hair :D) I do hear the month is related to June. Which may be birth, conceive, or find out.'

I hope she is right - as this cycle will fit, I think the IUI will be late May, but I'll find out in June. At the time I thought maybe she was wrong. But this gives me more hope than anything else. 

The latest

I know I have been super quiet. There has just not been heaps to update you all on. Though life is busy! I started my new job this week, and I have been thrown into the deep end. No treading water here. It's a little daunting, but hopefully my experience will get me over the line. Or, as my friend suggested, I just expect too much of myself. I want to have done it all, but I saw my supervisor mon and tues and won't see her again till Thursday. Not sure how many jobs people have where they are left alone so quickly. Lol. It's fine. I'm just trying to put it all together. 

As to our TTC. The detox went well. and I'm being pretty strict with my diet.  Bonus is I have lost weight - enough people have noticed. (I'm sure having four weeks off work and TTC helped!!). We went back and saw our specialist who has said we can try one more IUI and then onto IVF. He wants me on IVF before I am 37. So I am waiting for AF and cycle #9. Hoping this is it. At least I know I did everything I could. 

Hope life is treating you all well! 

An update

Apologies for being quiet. Things have been quite hectic. I finished my job at the end of March. I then got a new job which I start in May. It's not my dream job (I just missed out on that one), but it keeps the bills paid, is closer to home and is very similar to the last job I did. So I should be able to hit the ground running. 

I also did another cycle. It resulted in another BFN. Three cycles and no pregnancy. It's really tough. In July I am a year since I lost my baby. And right now I don't want to hear, see or know about anyone else's pregnancy. There is a part of me that is just trying to enjoy every precious second with my little man, because I am blessed to have him and know it may be a long time or not at all before I have another. So my husband and I have decided to go back to what we know has worked. I am going to start a very strict two week detox (instead of the four), he is back on a bunch on nutritional support - and I am going back to get reviewed by my doctor. I would like  to do one more IUI, and if it still doesn't work it might be time to consider IVF. But we will see what he says. 

This journey is tough. Whether it be primary or secondary infertility - the cycling, and disappointment is hard. Really hard. And the financial commitment - well sometimes I feel like I am just throwing money away. 

I hope your journeys are a bit more positive than mine right now :)

Please stop asking this question!

On Saturday night, my husband and I went out with another couple for dinner. I was asked ever so politely if we wanted more kids. I blurted out yes, and then I said "but it is out of our hands". There were raised eyebrows, some winking (oh so you do want more), and then confusion in my remark. Having another child is out of my hands. I already lost one, and am struggling to get pregnant again. Once again my IUI is a bust, and there I sat with AF, being asked if I wanted another child.

What I really wanted to say was this.
Yes - we already have another child. But our baby died in utero and no one really knows. We have since tried again to get pregnant but to no avail. So please stop asking.

So please : Stop asking. You just don't know what the other person is going through.

Post #IUI 7 fun!

All went well with my IUI on Friday! Thankfully they moved back to the metal callipers, so not half as painful as the plastic ones used during #6. I had great CM and I think all was well with DH (they never told me the count, and I couldn't see it written down). So I am hoping all will be well.

It is quite funny. Normally they check your progesterone about a week after to see if you need any added support. As I am on support already, and never had an issue with my progesterone, we decided to forgo the test this time. I am kind of happy. One less thing to run around and worry about and one less needle! But it really makes me feel like an old timer.

I also have a job interview this Friday, with a government position I really really want. It is exactly what I would love to do (insert *dream job*). It is part time (which financially isn't great, but we will survive with my payout). But I do feel things are hopefully falling into place.

Oh and I have to share with you. On Saturday (day after my IUI), my step son out of the blue asked me if I was pregnant. I said no (until I know, I am not, though I do treat myself as PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise), but asked him why he said that. He said "he just felt I was". Will be interesting to see how this cycle pans out and if he is right!

Here we go again!

This cycle has been all over the place. I went in last Friday to find out I had no response. My estrogen was low and no dominant follicle. So we upped the Gonal-F to 100, and I went back in on Tuesday. I had a follicle and my estrogen had raised up nicely. I have been booked in for IUI #7 (I can not believe I am at number 7!!) for tomorrow. I had an acupuncture session last night, and here is hoping for some good results in two weeks.

It is amusing. I have all this sick leave I can now use up - and I did fall sick with a cold. I took two days off, yet everyone at work thinks I just took the days off because I am leaving/fired/not renewed/became a mum which was a no no (take your pick). But, No, I was sick. In the end I think it was a good thing. I got to rest up and let my body do what it needs to do. We are also down to one car, so my Mum (bless her) is giving me her car for the day (I just have to drop and pick her up from work), so I can get to the appointment. I will be taking the day off this time - I may as well. I told my boss I am having some medical tests, and won't be in, and she just went "fine". Hah. These next few weeks will be fun.

So tomorrow is IUI day. Hopefully this time things stick and stay.

2014 - the year of change

Wow. This week has been a shocker emotionally. It doesn't help I am full of hormones that do fun things to me. What I expected has come to pass, and at the end of March I will be unemployed. They want someone cheaper essentially - and I am getting the boot. Yes, all the right things have been said. How wonderful my work has been, it is not personal or about the work, they wish they could keep me on etc etc. But at the end of the day - they have chosen to let me go, and leave others at the same pay rate as I am. But the other person is her "favourite" - so she was never going to be let go of. Six weeks to go - and I am struggling with it all. I know I want out of here. I am over her attitude to mums and to me. I am over the shit I have had to deal with. But it still hurts more than I wish. I feel useless and mad that this is happening while I am cycling.

So what now? I am applying for jobs like crazy. I have had some interviews, one in which they rang my references, but they never called me back (to tell me I did or didn't get the job - I have called them but they still have not got back to me. Very poor form). I feel really redundant at work now - very little to do, very little to motivate me. My boss can't look me in the eye - she has pretty much stopped talking to me (so far). If I get pregnant, I pray  get a job before I get too big. I pray I do get pregnant - I am sure I will find other job opportunities, a baby may not happen if I wait too long. I want to cry all the time, and I really think it is the hormones.

Still, I have been a student or staff member for the past 18 years. It is crazy this is how it is ending. Feeling worthless. Sigh... hopefully tomorrow scans shows some plump follicles to lighten my day. So thankful for my families support through this. 

I hope one day to look back at this post and add an addendum that says - best thing that ever happened!

Day 53

So what is day 53 you may ask? It was the last day of my cycle. I have not had a period since I did my last IUI. Nature's cruel little joke to remind me how bad my body can be. 53 effing days I have been waiting - and when it does show up boy is she cruel this month. Pain, lots of blood loss, tiredness - she brought it all in force.

PCOS is commonly diagnosed through lack of menstruation. I am use to it, but before and since I had my son my body went into a nice rhythm. My cycles might have been a little longer, but they happened every month. Since my miscarriage that has all gone to hell. I have no idea why - maybe the stress, maybe my body doesn't know how to cope, maybe my PCOS is back with a vengeance. I don't know. My fertility nurse was surprised when I called to say AF was here, and it was the first one I had since I saw her.

The good news is we can try for IUI #7. I go in for my first scan tomorrow. Then injectables. I have a feeling my dosage will be upped. I just want my body to play nice...  I know how much I want another child, I am just not sure how strong I am to keep cycling. I just pray I get a better response - but even on it's own my body is not playing nice. But if I don't try there won't be any chance. So here we go again!

The loss of control

One of the big things that has happened over the last few weeks - is that feeling of no control over my life. It may seem strange but I believe it is intrinsically linked to my miscarriage. The fact is there is so much which is out of my hands. Getting pregnant isn't even something I can just go out and try. It has to be planned and tried for. Everything about my conceptions has been controlled. But losing my baby I had no control over. Added to that is the stress of work - and the feeling I have no control over the utter misery I feel every day when I get into work - and I feel my whole life is a waiting game or a loss of control. Right now I am waiting for AF (which has decided to go on holidays), waiting for my contract to finish, waiting on job interviews, waiting for dates to pass... All I have no control over. I am not a control freak, but I like routine and plans. At 36 I still feel like I am a child with everyone else dictating how I should live my life. All this has been compounded by my horrid work situation and feeling like I have no options. And the fact I should have my baby in my arms and not in heaven.

I need some control to return to my life. Or order. But I am so tired I am not even sure where to start. I want to be pregnant again, but I need a new job first. Yet, I will not wait, and just hope the universe supports me and helps me on the right path. Right now I feel I am in no mans land. Even my husband turned around and said - I thought we left this feeling of complete self worthlessness in last year.... my reply - so did I.

I am adding this link here. Worth reading. Well timed for me.I need to start telling myself  IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY.

Dealing with a due date that will never happen.

In just under two weeks, it will be my due date. Exactly 40 weeks since I had my IUI which resulted in my pregnancy. It is a very emotional time. I find myself crying again and feeling the loss all over again. My friends babies are coming due, and it is tough. Everytime I see a baby I just want to hold it and love it - like I would have mine.

On top of that I am lactating. I have no idea why - I don't think I ever dried up from when my son weened, but I can feel small letdowns happening, which is why I realised I was still lactating. Almost like my body knows this is the time I should have had the baby - or it is a result of my last cycle. I don't know.

At any rate, I am glad that I will be spending the week before our due date with my family on a family road trip. I am hoping getting past this time will allow me to really move forward. I hope I don't start seeing every year as a potential birthday - in many ways I really would like to just step forward into a fresh year with fresh hope.

How do others cope? I know I am not coping brilliantly, I am eating poorly and putting on weight, and exhausted, and dreaming like a mad woman. This grief process has been so long. I have good and bad days, but it is 2014, the final part of this journey of loss. Hopefully the next part of my journey is full of rainbows...

Happy new year to you all though :) I did get to enjoy it with my family - but I got a lot of questions from a pregnant friend about what happened in my life (I told them it involved some losses but that was it). That did not help - I know she meant the best, but people are so nosey. Still my son was so much fun, and I loved seeing him up and playing and having a wonderful time. He is my world! Both our kids are, one is blood the other through marriage, but both bring so much joy... that is what I need to focus on.