Working while pregnant and dealing with miscarriag - my experience

I just read this article on what it was like working while pregnant. For me it was and always has been a challenge. Made worse by a pregnancy loss.

With my son I worked up to a week before he was born. I was hoping to have two weeks or so off, but there were other plans. I work as a research fellow - in a University in a demanding position. My brain needs to be switched on, and when you are pregnant, that is not so easy. Compounded by pelvic instability and illness, my pregnancy was not a lot of fun. My boss has no kids herself, and is not the most sympathetic person. I felt I was letting the team down, so I just pushed through.I tried to get help with my desk setup - and in the end just got into trouble by asking for help from OHS (without consulting my boss - when I was doing what was in my legal right). I did get to work from home, and did cut down to part time hours. But it was hard.

With my second pregnancy, I hid my pregnancy from my boss till I was 10 weeks and started to spot. I was on my way to work when my ob sent me home and off for a scan to make sure the spotting was nothing. I was then in tears I rang my boss to tell her I was pregnant, spotting and not sure I could attend a meeting in Sydney (a 1hr flight)  the next day. At that scan my little bub was perfectly happy, strong heartbeat and moving around. I will never forget those images, the last I have of my baby alive. I was cleared to fly and as exhausted as I was I flew. I then came down with a cold, and was expected to make the same trip to Sydney two weeks later. I took a few days off to try and recuperate, and even with a head blocked up and feeling horrid, I got on that plane. I did not want to let my boss down, I didn't want to waste money on an airfare, and I just sucked it up. My ears hurt horribly, and it took a good month for my ears to clear again. I was 12 weeks when I flew, and it would be a week later I would find out the baby passed. I am yet to find out if the baby had a chromosome issue, but I do wonder if I had taken it easy and put myself first if things would have ended differently.

Going back to work was the hardest thing. I think coming into an environment that people know I was "sick" but not what happened. Moving forward but finding it hard to concentrate. Not wanting to let anyone down, or to do a bad job. But one thing I know, I will not fly during my first trimester, I will look after myself, and they can go get %^^# if they think I will not put myself first. I know what my boss will say (I have heard her say it about others), I know the annoyance I will hear in her voice, and I know I will just have to deal with it.

The most ironic thing - I work in a women's health unit.

Spring has sprung

Finally it has warmed up and that smell of Spring arriving is in the air. I spent the weekend in the garden with my boys - and took in the fresh air. I am not sure how long it will last - but at least we can enjoy the nice weather here for the next week.

Spring has always been a favourite time of year for me. There is that smell, and the trees start to bloom, and it is not too hot - but you can enjoy the weather. It is just a beautiful time of year. This year I am hoping Spring will bring an awakening, and a time to feel good. I felt so bad last night when my husband said he missed his happy wife. I am trying so hard, but I still have those moments. The miscarriage feels like it happened to someone else. I dream about being pregnant again. Seeing that second line, but the reality is AF has not returned yet, and I don't know when we will try again.

I want to feel happy again, but I know I should be midway through my pregnancy, instead I feel empty. I try and be positive, I know there are many worse off than me - but it is hard. I also try to push away thoughts of the miscarriage - if I think about it - I stop myself. I just don't want to think about it. Is it healthy? I don't know...

Still spring has started to show itself, and next week is the Jewish New Year - to me a new year to start again. I need to hold my head up high, and try and be happy. I just hope that AF witch shows up soon. I just want to move on.

PCOS and depression : yes it is real!

When I was a teen, I suffered from depression. I had parents who were frustrated at me for crying for no reason. The school I went to had me on a suicide watch, and I use to cut myself (I still have my scars and can just make out the words I wrote to myself. They were not very nice). I am not proud of my scars, but they remind me of where I came from. My depression was real, and although I had counselling - I found it very hard to cope. Everything got to me. And I didn't understand it.

What I know now is those teen years are hell, they are then compounded by a hormonal condition that exasperates the condition. My depression was real but I could have coped with it better if I had dealt with the hormonal side better than just the contraceptive pill.

I was reminded of how horrible that depression felt a few days before my d&c. I was actually terrified of where I was going and if it was going to stay with me. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to play with my son, I just wanted the world to swallow me up. The day of my surgery I woke up feeling better and knowing it was going to be a day of goodbyes. Thankfully that feeling has not returned.

Unfortunately along side the other horrid PCOS symptoms, depression is something we need to understand. The worst part for me is around AF/period time. The drop in hormones sends me into a tither - and this is where we PCOS women need to be careful. If we allow ourselves this mood can last the entire month and turn into a reality for us. And this is when we are in danger of leading a life of depression.

But there is help.

• See your doctor and try and get on metformin - it will help regulate those hormones and may help those crazy moods.
• Understand this is a short term thing - just push through it and understand you have flat days (and get your partner/kids to understand this too!!)
• Get your diet under control. That chocolate bar or muffin will not help the situation - get healthy foods into you, it can do wonders!
• If all fails and you feel your depression is real, get some support. It may be that you need this support to understand and recognise you don't have to be feeling this way all the time (and then you start to recognise it and cope with it better).
• Meditation - can work wonders.
• Exercise releases happy hormones, go for a walk or run if you can.
• Raw cacao - yup throw that chocolate bar away and make some of these. The raw cacao releases happy hormones, and the whole thing is low GI super yum and guilt free!

For me the biggest thing I do is point 2. I understand it, ride through it and watch myself. If I think it is lingering for too long I try to do other things to get me out of the mood.

Do you have any tricks to help out? Let us all know!

Feeling happy - I didn't think that was possible!

So I am officially one week into my four week detox, and 4 weeks past my d&c. I knew once the miscarriage happened I had to detox. I had to heal my body before I could heal my mind. So a week into my detox and things are changing.

- I am happy. Yup I feel happy. I no longer drive to work when the sadness and depression start to hit me again. I feel upbeat, and more like myself.
- I have energy!!! I forgot what that was like since my first pregnancy! This weekend my husband and I are making the most of this energy buzz and going out :) (though my energy levels are annoying my husband haha!)
- My husband is feeling better - just by changes in the diet!
- I feel hopeful - that we can and will try again!

And we are planning a small overseas trip in October to get away, spend some quality time together and then come back and try again.

I know everytime I have done the detox I have felt great - I think it releases endorphins as we get rid of the junk in our system. It is hard work but it is sooo worth it!

Bring on my holiday and trying again!

Oh and my son is walking on his own!!! I feel like I am the only mother ever to have a child take his first steps! I am so proud!

Reflections...

Today was a huge milestone for my son. He took his first independent walk. Something he will one day do and never think about. For now it's a huge development. For me, the comments of "now it's going to get tough" are responded with "so let it get tough". I'm so proud of my little man, that the new developments don't scare me. I treasure every moment and milestone as you never know if you will get them again with another child. 

And so I reflected and found myself tearing up. I have such a gorgeous, funny, loving child that I feel my angel would surely have followed their brother and I felt so sad I wasn't going to meet this child. I know all kids are different, but I find the loss is actually harder having another child. Easier but harder - because I know what would have come. 

Infertility is often about getting pregnant that sometimes the end product is almost a shock. To me it's always been about the child I would hold. 

Detox countdown - why is it so important to me?

When I went to conceive my son, and I had to IUI cycles that had failed, I was at the point I was ready to give up. I did a detox, and the results shocked me. I blogged about it (on a private site) - and want to share what I went through then and why I am about to do it all over again! This is a snippet of what I wrote at the time! It will be interesting to see what happens this time!


Day 1

I never tend to blog, but after two failed IUIs and a realisation I probably have a problem in my luteal phase of my cycle, I have decided to try and take my mind off getting pregnant and trying to get my body right. I was going to take a month off anyway, now I have a focus for this month.

So a bit about me : I have PCOS, and my partner has MF. We went through two back to back IUI's which resulted in AF coming very soon after ovulation. I did a bit of research and found out about luteal phase defects, which would pretty much result in losing the lining before implantation was completed successfully. So I may have been conceiving but when my hormones dropped so did my chances of being a mum.

I have two choices - go for a third round (which I am sure will fail at this point) and move onto IVF (costly and I think still unnecessary). Or take a break and try and work out what is wrong with my body. I have had problems in the past healthwise, and my naturopath (G) changed my life. I got on the right track and I am back in her care for the next month, so we can cleanse my body and see if that kick starts and prepares my system for that long waited for pregnancy.

This blog will talk about my 6 week detox program. If it helps me maybe it can help you? I am hoping to show how easy and yum I can make it. I also hope if it gets me a BFP it may help get you one too! G did tell me she has a 42 year old woman trying for 5 years through IVF - and after this program got pregnant and is due in 4 weeks. I really do have faith in her!

Just be aware I am doing this supervised and with supplements and acupuncture (they help clean you out and replace your body with good stuff) - so see your health care provider before doing anything! First 2 weeks is remove, next 2 replenish, final 2 (and I should be stimming during this time) is renew! so I hope to lose weight, get cleansed and get knocked up .




The detox is made up of 6 small meals a day - with at least 2 litres of water a day during meal breaks. One small portion of protein at every meal, one serve of rice/grains a day and up to 2 servings of fruit a day. dinner was my start of my day! Poor DH gets to eat this food - but don't feel too sorry for him, he enjoyed quite a bit of it!

After first week :


Wow! Nearly a week has gone past! And I survived my first weekend on the detox diet! Along the way I found out some really interesting stuff (mainly from the amazing alternative therapies thread on the infertility site). There is a thing called the fertility kitchen , but there she discusses how diet can cause conception problems. Pretty much the essence of it if your body is stuggling with foods (such as sensitivites, sugars, pesticides), it will try and protect itself and leave the less essential parts of the body to fend for itself (such as your reproductive system). Really interesting read - and makes me feel I am on the right path.

I have lost all of the bloating from the last two months - which is pretty nice. i had my hair done over the weekend - and I am feeling more attractive than I have in months! I am interested to see if I have lost any weight. If I can lose at least 5 kilos, I think it may make a huge difference to the next round of IUI.



So I have officially passed the one week mark and got my weigh in! In one week I have lost 2 kilos (about 4.5 pounds!!). I am so happy about that. If I can lose another 4-5 kilos (8-12 pounds) I will be back to my healthy weight range. The FT battle makes you put on weight, and having PCOS and being IR - your weight sometimes gets the better of you! Still I am going down and not up so I am super happy about that!


Phase 2 :

I am now well into the second phase of the detox. I am having more headaches (some of them are hormone related, a nice gift from my medicated cycles ). But it is also telling me AF should be coming in the next two weeks (makes a very different sort of TWW I tell you!!). I am also feeling much more apprehensive about the whole thing. Concerns that I am doing all this and my final IUI may not work still. However, I am losing weight, I am O'D on my own this month, and I am cleaning out my system. What else can I do? 

End of detox :


So the last two weeks were a real struggle. I am really glad I don't have to go for another two weeks. It means I can now focus on the next round of IUI and trying to get pregnant/have a healthy body and a healthy baby!

For those interested I lost 2.5kg (about 5.5pounds) over the last month. Which I am super happy with, as I am super bloated so it may be closer to 3kg without the water. It also means I go back into another IUI round 2.5kg lighter - which should, i hope, help heaps!!

Now I am waiting on AF. I am sure it is around the corner, but my O'd came so late into my cycle (about cd 22/23) and according to my calendar AF is due tomorrow. I do think I am on the verge of getting it. So hopefully my next post will be about being back to the stims.

I did discuss what I would put back in my diet - and I have put back in rye It is one of the less harsh cereals, and otherwise I am trying to remain gluten/dairy/sugar free as much as possible. This detox is not just about cleansing it is about allowing my body to get pregnant!

I am also going to be questioning my hormonal support during my Luteal Phase. I will let you all know how it goes. It is my birthday month, so what an awesome gift to get pregnant Please wish me luck!!

Thanks for reading and following my last month. It has been tough. I am nervous but also super excited to be trying it, lighter, healthier and with a better positive outlook!! 

IUI time :

Well the good news -
AF arrived about two weeks after I thought I O'D! So... let's list the positives
1. My Luteal Phase lasted at least two weeks! It did extend on it's own!
2. I am officially CD1, and back stimming on Sunday (my birthday, yay for a BFP as a birthday gift!).
3. I am weighing a few kilos lighter than I did last cycle!
4. I have had about 2 weeks between end of detox and starting again.
5. My naturopath is super positive about this cycle.
6. The nurses doing my cycle are going to monitor the LP when we get there!
7. I am officially trying again! YEEHAA!

The bad news : I do have a small cyst on my right ovary, but they are not going to cancel. So still good news.

So excited, I am really hoping this is the last AF for a few months. And AF is not painful this month. Yay! 

 check in 1 : 

Okay so I am not pregnant .. yet ...! But I have had some success!

I have been on puregon (FSH) 75 for the last 8 days! Today is cd11 for me, and I went in for my first ultrasound. I have a 12mm follicle! Now this might seem normal for everyone else, but for me we never see anything till a) we up my dosage of meds and b) it happens about cd 15 (to this size!) with Ovulation occurring about cd19 (on a medicated cycle; on a non-medicated cycle it took ages, about cd24). To be at least 4 days earlier on a medicated is amazing!!!! So my cycle is almost looking more normal!!! And no upping of my meds!

Wednesday is scan #2 - so I am hoping I will have a nice big fat follie ready to burst and have a IUI this week! Which would be amazing.

I know this may not seem like much - but I had a 2 week luteal phase (on my last non-medicated detox cycle, big improvement over my short LP during my medicated cycles), and now a shorter time to follie production - shows the detox/AP/diet has definatley shifted things for the better for me.

Best wishes! 

check in 2 :

 

Wow. I am spinning this morning! Went in for my second ultrasound, and I have two big juicy follies measuring at 16 and 18mm! So I have booked in my IUI for Friday. Friday is CD15, a huge change from the CD19 IUI's I had on my last two medicated cycles. I also stuck on the one dose of 75 through the whole process! First time we did not need to up my meds!

I am so excited. Things just feel like they are falling into place. One thing I know is that at the end of the last BFP, I really felt all I was doing was waiting to go through it again to have exactly the same outcome. I knew if I did not make a change I pretty much was spending money to end up with IVF. I started the detox hoping it would change my luteal phase and lengthen it - I really can't believe it has made such a difference that even now my ovaries are playing nice, and shortening my time to making follies. I know I have done everything in my power to try and improve my chances of getting pregnant including improving my cycle.

Now the best thing would be to report back a BFP in about two weeks! Wish me luck!!

(And timing - I have an AP on Friday morning booked right before I get turkey basted Has to help!!)

  check in #3 - post IUI

All has gone well so far with my IUI. I can't tell you all how different this round has been. I triggered and didn't get any of the real nasty side effects (sore boobs etc), but I do feel a few days later a little down, bloated and well tummy is not so great. However compared to my first two rounds I feel awesome! The IUI wasn't so great, very crampy and bleeding a little - but as I never had these in the first two rounds, I have to take that as a super positive sign this is different!

I am starting crinone tonight (I really don't think I am looking forward to it - any tips anyone?). So I know my LP will remain for longer (so I won't be able to say for sure this round it has extended on it's own, but no risks here!).

So I am in my long TWW wait not. I am praying, and trying not to think too much about it.

I so hope in two weeks I can report back with some positive news. The one thing I know is I have done everything now - and this cycle is so different. Fingers/legs/everything crossed!

 results :

So for those that have been following my progress, I did 2 IUI's that ended up with a short Luteal phase and my hopes being dashed. I decided to take a month off, do a detox and see if i could get knocked up. At 4am this morning, I POAS and I got two lines!!!! A BFP ! I am still in shock, and keep looking at that line! I am 13dpiui for those interested, and have my beta on Monday.

There were a few things that came out of this TWW. I was on crinone, so I assumed everything was to do with the crinone. I had pinching feelings in my abdomen that went away (I think it was implantation - but i wont know), and I did get some pain with my radial ligaments (I think thats what it is called), around my gut. However, again I thought it was the crinone - and it still could be! About two days ago, I developed a shocking migraine, my bbs got bigger and sore, I was tired and a little short of breath when i was walking and (this may be TMI), but I noticed an increase in CM. Again, I was surprised that the crinone would give me symptoms all at once after a week of using it - but last night was the point I believed it actually was due to my AF arriving. I had convinced myself it was another BFN - and I am still thinking, what if the stick test is wrong? But, I may POAS again tomorrow to double check. But I think you know in your heart anyway.

So there is hope. You can take things back into your own hands and get a BFP. Treat your body with the love it deserves, get rid of the crap out of your diet, and allow yourself the best chance to get your BFP!

Now to a safe healthy pregnancy - the worry doesnt end here! 

Miscarriage and infertility - why does it seem to go hand in hand?

Rates of miscarriage in infertile women are much higher than in the general population. So why is this? I have my theories and thought I would share them. These are only my thoughts, and I may be wrong, and happy to accept that too.

First thing to realise is that there are more than one type of loss.

The earliest loss is a chemical pregnancy. It normally happens before 6 weeks, and most women just assume they have had a late or heavy period, and never even know they were pregnant. That is, if you weren't trying. These pregnancy losses are also never recorded in the general population.

Chemical pregnancies happen more often in infertile couples because we look for them. We are trying to actively get pregnant and know when we do and we lose the baby. I actually think the rates are not much different - just not identified and documented like in the general population.

A miscarriage is before 20 weeks (to me that is crazy - stillbirth is very real before 20 weeks). If you have an early loss before about 14 weeks, chances are it is chromosomal. We see it more in infertile couples, because infertile couples can be older, have poor egg quality or low sperm counts. All these things can add to the chances of a chromosome mutation. Rates are higher, but from what I have read, a lot of the studies that are being done and quoted are either quite old studies or done in easy access populations like infertility groups. Again I think rates are higher due to a few factors, but also due to the way things are quoted.

I also think some of the technology is to blame. We are circumventing nature to some degree, through IVF, ICSI, IUI, drugs etc. We have no idea what all the crucial very early embryonic developmental stages are - we have a pretty good idea - but how do we know that by injecting sperm into the egg has not screwed up a development stage which has led to early embryos arresting in or out of the mother. We just don't know. But once again our miscarriage rates go up.

For late stillbirths after 20 weeks - these tend to be often due to a problem with the mother. I hate saying it - but it is important to understand. A shortening of the cervix, a badly placed fibroid, endometriosis causing havoc - there are lots of reasons, but I don't think it is any more common - unless the pregnancy problem is also related to the fertility problem.

At the end of the day, I think miscarriage rates are exaggerated in infertile couples due to risk factors (like age etc), monitoring of pregnancies from day dot (we know very early on if we are pregnant and lose it), and physical factors that may have affected the mother. With my first pregnancy I was so scared of miscarriage because I knew these factors. But at 34 I thought I had a great chance of coming out of it okay. I was a little bit more confident with my second at 35 - but I think age got me this time.

Not much I can do about my age - but I can try to improve my egg quality - so two days till detox time!

Miscarriage/Stillbirth finally getting some attention in Australia

Last night a story aired here in Australia about a comedian Mary Coustas and her infertility fight. She discussed miscariage, selective reduction, stillbirth and now a miracle pregnancy - her rainbow baby. Her episode is here and I really urge people to watch it (linked here).

Her bravery at talking out loud about what happened to her, has taken facebook and the media by storm. This morning on the radio they were talking about miscarriage and stillbirth. I hope this helps people understand how devastating these losses are. She describes how after her miscarriage she howled every night and how hard nights have become.

For me this is what my life is like post miscarriage (3.5 weeks since we found out, 2.5 since D&C) :

- I wake every night around 4am. I am tired and exhausted because of this.
- I have dreams, some good most heartbreaking.
- I have a sadness I try and fight and some days it is just too much and gets the better of me.
- I want to scream about my loss, when people ask me how things have been, instead I just smile and say good.
- People notice little things - thicker hair, longer nails, great skin - I get asked what did you do? Some I tell, most I ignore.
- I can't be at large gatherings, I feel stressed and want to run away.
- I don't want to see my friends who don't know, so I don't have to make excuses.
- I suffer headaches 2-4 times a week that last more than 24 hours.
- I am bloated, and want to let people know I am not fat, just bloated from losing a baby.
- I still bleed on and off. A reminder of what has happened.
- I count the days until we can try again and hope my body starts working properly again.
- In the end I really can't get the words out to people who don't know. It is just too hard. And I don't want to hear the opinions some have. Things like it is only mental (hmm, surgery and headaches and bloating, nope not just physical), I already have a child, or it was so early what I am upset about. So I keep quiet.

Maybe the more people understand what it is like - they may understand it was not just a 12.5 week foetus, or a 6 week foetus, or a 4 week implantation that went wrong. It is our children, our babies who we hold in our heart forever more.

What I'm saddest about my baby not being born (and it's probably not what you think)

There is so much sadness and loss with a miscarriage. Sadness over not meeting your child, holding your baby - watching it grow. 

For me I have two big regrets. 

The day after we found out the baby died was my birthday. My husband had a meeting and my son and I went with him. There was a park and lake and it was a beautiful clear winter day. My son and I played on the equipment, laughed at the birds in the lake and watched the people pass. It was at that point that I was so sad I could never show my child, who was still in me but not, the utter beauty we see every day. 

I'm also so sad this child won't be joining our family. Won't have two older brothers who would have doted over them. Who would have been so loved. 

I get reminded of these things and hope my baby somewhere understands. My regrets are about what I could give you rather than what I am missing out on. I miss you  little one. I hope you see the beauty - since you have passed I've seen two double rainbows appear in the sky. That gives me hope. 

When to tell a friendship is really over..

Something that really hit hard after this miscarriage, was that I didn't turn to the friends I once would have turned to. One friend in particular I have known since high school. She has never wanted kids (and has terminated pregnancies - she is ironically very fertile), and never met my son. We were so close once and in my pain I just wanted to turn to her. But she is selfish and going through her own stuff. 

I contacted her through Facebook the other day - and hinted something was wrong. I didn't get a response. I guess after all these years I thought she knew me well enough to know when I was suffering. Maybe I was just unrealistic. I told her flat out something was wrong but I couldn't get the words out - and I realized our friendship was probably dead when she said 'even to me'. 

I'm not sure why but those words irked me. Why her? Why after all this time could I not tell her. Even to her I couldn't talk about it. That told me what I needed to known- it's a friendship no longer.  A few days later and I have heard nothing. She knew I was really scared and worried that I may have to go back into hospital for something. You would think a SMS or message would be the least she would have done (she would never call - that would cost her money). 

Maybe it's my hormones. Or maybe it's life moving on. Or maybe it's my time to move forward.