Signing up

I received my Blue Form yesterday.  A registration form for IVF. With lots of boxes and questions about my fertility history, medical history, my husbands fertility history, weight (I took a guess, I have no idea!), work details, and on an on. Along with that to do IVF (or any reproductive processes), you have to get a POLICE check (yup you read that right - even though any one can just fall pregnant, you need special permission to undergo fertility treatments), and a children's check. We have these already, so it is one less thing I need to chase up. They will call us for another mandatory counselling session (what they can offer above what we have already been through, is yet to be seen), but they make money and get to tick off their boxes. I will be waiting till my next AF, so looks like my 37th Birthday present to me is IVF!

I wish I could be excited. I wish I had that feeling of hope, but right now I just want to cry. I feel like such a failure, and so hurt, as I should have another baby in my arms. It isn't like I have not been able to get pregnant before. I am mad I am about to be 37 - my age is against me, and that clock is ticking so loud. And most of all I am mad that I am not more grateful for what I already have. I have said to my mum and husband - are we being selfish spending all this money on IVF, when we have two kids (one step, one mine) at home who we could spend this money on. I am just so conflicted, and like my miscarriage feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I am not sure why I am responding so badly... I have been through this for years, and always knew this was something that could happen.

I rang the clinic, and the minute the nurse heard my voice she knew - she sounded as upset as I felt... hopefully this is the right decision. Right now I am just pushing forward, as I don't have the luxury of time to wait to get use to the idea, or decide if we actually want to do it. If I don't more time will pass, and it will be even harder. So I need to suck it up, hug my son and know it will be worth it in the end.