Monday, 20 January 2014

The loss of control

One of the big things that has happened over the last few weeks - is that feeling of no control over my life. It may seem strange but I believe it is intrinsically linked to my miscarriage. The fact is there is so much which is out of my hands. Getting pregnant isn't even something I can just go out and try. It has to be planned and tried for. Everything about my conceptions has been controlled. But losing my baby I had no control over. Added to that is the stress of work - and the feeling I have no control over the utter misery I feel every day when I get into work - and I feel my whole life is a waiting game or a loss of control. Right now I am waiting for AF (which has decided to go on holidays), waiting for my contract to finish, waiting on job interviews, waiting for dates to pass... All I have no control over. I am not a control freak, but I like routine and plans. At 36 I still feel like I am a child with everyone else dictating how I should live my life. All this has been compounded by my horrid work situation and feeling like I have no options. And the fact I should have my baby in my arms and not in heaven.

I need some control to return to my life. Or order. But I am so tired I am not even sure where to start. I want to be pregnant again, but I need a new job first. Yet, I will not wait, and just hope the universe supports me and helps me on the right path. Right now I feel I am in no mans land. Even my husband turned around and said - I thought we left this feeling of complete self worthlessness in last year.... my reply - so did I.

I am adding this link here. Worth reading. Well timed for me.I need to start telling myself  IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY.

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