Lucky 18!

Over the weekend I had wonderful growth. My little follicle grew up to a beautiful 18mm follicle. Now why is this lucky for me? When I got pregnant with my son, I had two follicles, one was 18mm the other smaller. My mother turned around and said to me - 18 - the number of life. Chai in hebrew means life - and the letters in hebrew add up to 18. I have been waiting a long long time to actually have a 18mm follicle on a scan again.

So what does this mean? Well it is IUI time! I will trigger tonight, we have been told to do our own thing (normally it is after, but they want us to go ahead earlier), and then on Thursday I will go back in. My naturopath (I love this woman), is coming in ESPECIALLY for me Thursday night and Friday morning to do acupuncture. I have been with her 7 years, and honestly, she has done more for me than most. I am so touched by her willingness to go out of her way for me. I really feel that there is not much else I can do to try and get things right.

So why am I petrified? I dont think I have ever been as scared to not have it work. I am trying so so hard not to panic about it, but I am not sure why the thought of IVF scares me so much. I think if anything, the IUI process has been so tough on me - I am exhausted by it all -  that I know going to IVF will be even harder. My medications would be through the roof (since I am not the best responder), and a day procedure, and then all that has to happen outside in a petri dish and the cost of it... just scares the &#!& out of me. Still I have to hope and be positive and send out sticky strong vibes this time it works, sticks and stays healthy till I have that baby in my arms. I do envy those people that decide they want a baby, go off birth control and wham bam thankyou mam! My friend made a comment along those lines to me (she knows what I have been through), and I just thought.. thanks a bunch. That is not my lot in life, and I have to be thankful for what I do have, which is more than a lot of people. Anyway hormones are probably getting the best of me.

This is going to be a long long looooong two week wait.