All about my son!

I wanted to change tack for a moment. This blogged has focussed on the pain of my loss, my infertility and how I am trying to overcome all these things. But there is one special little light in my life, that I want to share with you.

My little man is about to turn 18 months. 18 whirlwind incredible months, that I would not change for a thing. The sleepless nights, my juggling act between work, family and motherhood, the down times - all of it have been incredible. And I would have found this journey that much harder without him in my life.

Yesterday we took him for his first haircut! He cried through the whole thing and held onto me with tight arms. I hate admitting it but I love those cuddles, when he gets shy or insecure and he just won't let go. Otherwise he is off and about (running wherever he can!). It is such hard work being a toddler. Firstly, there are the issues when mummy won't let me go into the medicine cupboard, or the bins. And then there is the annoyance when they don't get what I want. And not letting my have my dummy/pacifier or sleep toy. My life is over :) A lot of the time I laugh at his tantrums, it always ends up (okay some of the time ;) ), with him giggling with me. Otherwise a cuddle and distraction works. I remind myself this is a stage where he can not control his emotions, and his cries are frustration or normally something else going on. The other week, he broke down every 5 minutes. I ended up saying to him, "We have the weekend together, I would like to enjoy it, can you calm down?". to my utter shock and disbelief, he nodded, stopped crying and composed himself. He is such a little man now!!

He loves his older brother so much, it warms my heart. My elder step-son is 9 years older then his brother, and I had no idea if they would get along. But they adore each other, play together and both can not wait to see each other when they are together. This is a friendship I know will last a lifetime for both of them. I am so proud of my step-son and what an amazing older brother he is. My older brother and I do not get along, never really did, so I did not want this for my kids. It is a real joy for me to see this connection.

Being a mum is the most demanding job I ever had. Especially as I am the one who works, and my husband stays home with the kids (not by choice, but necessity). When I am home, my son wants me, and I do not blame him. I want him to, but it means when I walk through the door, he comes to the toilet with me. If I have shower before he goes to bed, he bangs on the door - but I do not care!! That is the great thing about being a parent, you lose your privacy, you lose a little of your self, but you gain this amazing little person in your life. One day he will grow up, and I will banging on his door to see him, to hug him to be with him, and he will be too busy.

So I enjoy every moment, every milestone, and those cuddles, oh my those cuddles, I never want them to end...

Looking to the future

As some of you would have read, I am pretty unhappy in my work. I work full time, and really the only reason I stay has been for the pay and maternity leave benefits. Once I finish having kids - I won't stay here. I had to wait a year since returning from leave, as part of the benefit package is to commit for another year. It is now over with, but I will hang around for a bit longer, as I hope to completely change career paths.

For a long time - I have been interested in genetic counselling. Long before I undertook my research career. I loved research and really thought it is where I wanted to be, but I have not found a good place for myself in Academia. I have a few choice words I could say about the people that are in academia, but suffice to say - it is not full of honest, truthful people. And I don't want to be around that or fighting for my place in there. I was warned a long time ago not to trust my work atmosphere - and it wasn't long before I realised why. It has not got much better.

So after the miscarriage I talked to my work colleague about doing a genetic counselling course. I have the science background and think it is something I would excel it, especially considering my recent history of infertility and loss. I put it away as too hard, I already have three degrees, finally paid off my school fees, and really did not want to go back to study. But it has just become so clear this is where I need to go. I want my miscarriage and loss to mean something other than it was a 1/4 loss. I know a few of you have read this blog, and found hope and do not feel so alone of crazy. Which is why I started this, I would love to take this further.

So I have e-mailed the course co-ordinator to find out more about the course, and what options would be best for someone with my history of study :) I am so nervous to jump into this, the idea of studying again gets me into knots, but I know I could help others out there... We shall see what it brings!

A magic moment - a lifetime of healing

For anyone that is purely scientific, doesn't believe in spirits and all of that mumbo jumbo - please skip this post :) For everyone else, come and join me on one of the most wonderful and privileged experiences I have had!

I have mentioned before on here - how I "knew" I was pregnant, and how I just "know" things. As crazy as that sounds. For me this miscarriage has been half physical and the other half spiritual. In the past ten weeks I have done a lot of healing, but I knew I needed to connect with someone on a deeper level. I was drawn to a facebook page - where the wonderful Cameron put up an open question time, that he would then answer. I asked if I would ever get over the way I felt - and his response (along the lines of) - you will get through it with the strength you have always had in you (or something to that effect). I am not sure why, but in that moment, I knew I had to meet him.

Well a long story short, I was very fortunate to have everything align, and get slotted in for one of only a few face to face readings in my hometown (he is from Brisbane, a 2 hour flight away from Melbourne). Today was my day to meet him! It started before I got there - a comment on his facebook page about a singing grandmother. The minute I read that I knew it was my grandmother, who passed a few weeks before I lost my baby. And yes, it was clearly her :)

Cameron has an amazing gift, and energy about him. He is honest, thought provoking and genuine. He does things the way he needs to do it, in the order he does it and explains along the way. He has such an amazing vibe, you can't help but walk away feeling rejuvenated and ready for life. No energy pill, drug or sugar high will ever make you feel as wonderful as walking away from someone with a true gift.

So what did he tell me? I won't go into all of it, I am still taking so much of it in - but I will share some of the special connections he made. He connected with my grandmother, and she passed on some words of wisdom I will need at some point to pass onto my mother. It was great to also be able to know that she is herself again, smiling, laughing and singing!! She always loved to sing, especially those older songs - and Cameron knew that. I lost her a long time ago to alzheimers, so it is wonderful to know she is here with us again. It was also wonderful to know my baby is with her for now. Yes you read that right - for now.

I may have written about this before, but I will again - a wonderful Aussie author Traci Harding, writes esoterical fiction. A great fun read, but one thing I took away from her books, long before I was ever pregnant, was the main character having a miscarriage and losing her son. The way the main character coped - was knowing her baby's energy had just come back to her and was waiting to be reborn. When I lost my baby, that was what I had hoped - that my baby would come to me when the time was ready.

Cameron told me this - never knowing I had this story. He told me she would come back to me, and that if I wasn't pregnant already (I know I am not), I would be really soon. Cameron told me to believe my gut - that it was my daughter who we lost. I didn't feel the need to talk as much about my baby as I thought I would, but I did get to talk about my "knowing" and that yes it was very real and a part of me. Something I will work on through meditation. There are two people I just know are going to have a baby. One has given up, the other is fighting infertility. I just know and feel they will both get babies in the future. I hope I am right :) Something to meditate on!!!

He was also able to connect with a few other people, and I truly feel blessed about meeting him. I could have just talked to him for hours, such a wonderful soul. Thankyou Cameron, for coming to Melbourne, for fitting me in and for all you do (and you too Lindel!). You mentioned your family to me - those two very special souls, but I think you have a much wider family, of those you touch every day with your wonderful gift. So much love out there for you - you told me to let go of my doubts - you need to let go of yours too :)

FINALLY!!

When you battle PCOS/infertility AF (your period/the witch etc) is a constant battle. You either do not want her around, or she just does not turn up!

For me it has been the latter. I have had strange things happen to me - and tomorrow marks 8 weeks since my d&c. I was hoping my detox would work, and AF would come back by 6 weeks. Nope. Instead I got spotting and heaps of other discharge at 4 weeks that confused me.

7 weeks. Nope

8 weeks - YES!!! I finally got AF a few days ago. It started with light spotting that came and went, but developed into full blown AF.

Now why am I sharing this with you - because I have PCOS. Because being regular is not something I take for granted. No AF, no trying again. I was so bloated I look pregnant, I felt I was full of fluid and would have to go to a doctor, I just wanted my body back.

I went on iron supplements, got acupuncture, and four days later she arrived (and boy has she let me know she is back!).

I feel I can close a chapter on my life and now really look forward with hope. PCOS is still not besting me, and I was able to get AF without medical help.

I am also finally seeing the result of my detox with the bloating subsiding. I have a flat stomach again (well as flat as someone who has been pregnant before!), into my jeans with no problems, and not having a stomach hanging over onto my legs (I hate that feeling!). Yay AF!

Now one more cycle and we can jump back on the TTC wagon - which will be after we get back from  holidays. This battle is a small one, but you can never take anything for granted, not even regular cycles. One stop forward :)

The physical toll of a miscarriage - more than I expected

When I went to see my naturopath, one of the things she said to me was :

' A miscarriage is much harder physically on a body than a full term pregnancy'

I actually wasn't surprised by this. When you think of what your body goes through to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy - there is a cycle to fulfil. And with a miscarriage your body is suddenly shut down from this process, and is not quite sure how to handle it.

What has surprised me is what has happened since.

On Wednesday night I noticed I had trouble driving in the dark. I noticed the same thing at dusk the next day, and when I was trying to see my son in his cot in his dark room, and getting clothes in my bedroom while dark. Suddenly, overnight I went from being able to see - to not. 

This scared me. I went to see an optometrist on Friday night and got the good news - my eyes were in great health but a bit dry. The bad news - they were a lot worse. She however did not want to change my prescription because - unbelievably - it may just be due to the stress of the miscarriage and my eyes may revert back to what they were. They may also stay this way, but she wants to give me another 6 weeks to see how I go. I have some contacts in a stronger script and will use that at night to see me through.

I almost feel like crying. Still waiting for a normal AF ant not just spotting, feeling like I am losing my sight and not sure what else may creep up on my physically. I put on a brave face, but these constant reminders just get to me sometimes. I am just glad it will improve.

(As I am writing this I get told my son just said "hello". Made me smile, ahhhh the ups and downs. So thankful for my amazing little man who helps me through every day!)