A busy few days

When it rain it pours :) IUI was two days ago. It was a bit of a mad rush, as I had an all day work meeting (which of course ran late, so I sneaked out of), so that I could get to my clinic. The IUI this time was so painful. They are not using disposable plastic callipers and they were not nice at all. The entire process hurt, it felt like I was burning inside. That being said I only had a few drops of blood, but was uncomfortable the next day. I was surprised, as with my five other IUI's - I have had some pain but not like this (and the same nurse has done it for me before). She was super quick thankfully. Actually she is the nurse that has got me pregnant both times before! DH count was great and we did a double insemination. One into the cervix and the rest in the vagina. Now we wait. I am not overly hopeful, but my hormones have done a major disservice for me this cycle. I feel low, and all over the place.

I also had my interview for my course. The next day. So not just did I just have an IUI, I have all this pregnancy hormone running through my system and it showed. I feel like I totally f'ed up. I don't think I will get a place (they had 70 applicants and only accept 12), and I am not quite sure how to tell them my nerves, lack of sleep and hormones got the better of me! Sigh. Let's hope for some positive news soon, as I am not feeling so positive right now...

The miracle of the festival of lights

Firstly thankyou to everyone that commented on how I was feeling. I still feel a bit down trodden, but hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow evening marks the first day in a Jewish holiday called Hanukkah. It celebrates the miracle of being able to light a candle for 8 days after there was only enough oil for a few days. It is a very hopeful celebration, celebrated with lighting candles every night (to mark each night - up to 8), eating oily foods and celebrating with family. To me my children are my light and miracle, so it seems a little bit of a miracle that my IUI has been scheduled tomorrow, on the eve of Hanukkah. I am hoping my miracle of light will take hold within me.

So my body is being very uncooperative. Over the weekend I had thick CM that has been preceding my ovulations since the loss. I went in on Monday and the scan was at 13mm. They wanted it at 16mm (not 13mm like I though!). More bloodwork, and I was scheduled in for Wednesday. I also asked about late ovulation and egg quality and I was assured that it did not effect egg quality. I still feel it is too small, but if my body reflected I was about to ovulate, then I will hope it knows what it is doing! I triggered this morning (took a shot of synthetic pregnancy hormone!), which will induce ovulation in the next 36 hours. Then the long two week wait. I still don't feel very hopeful, but it is the miracle of lights right now! :)

Cycling is rough... so so rough...

I went in this morning for my follicle check. Pretty much it is an ultrasound to confirm how large and how many you have. You want to see no more than 3 follicles at least 13mm or larger to organise an IUI. Today, at CD12, I had one at 10mm. One. 10mm. at CD12. Most women have their natural surges and ovulate at CD14 (with much larger follicles at around 20mm). I at CD12, with medication am not even halfway there. I have noticed since the miscarriage that I am having long cycles. I have only got pregnant on cycles where we did the IUI around CD15. This won't happen this time, and I am feeling very hopeless. There is evidence the longer the cycle, the worse your egg quality.

On the way home. I cried. I should be getting ready to welcome our new arrival into out home, I should be feeling her kicks and I shouldn't have to be going through this again. needles, scans, inseminations.. argh.. Maybe my head is not quite in the right place, maybe it is just the hormones but I feel like giving up. Why can't I just do it the old fashioned way and have a body that works. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am, when I got home I told my son he was my little miracle. It just seems much harder this time around.

Just waiting to see what the blood results say, and if I will up my meds :(

Sorry for the feeling hopeless post... I try my best, and I know I have another baby in my future... I am just not sure it is this time...

You know you have had too many treatments when....

As I rushed around looking after the family, I realised it was time to take my shot. Once upon a time I counted down the minutes, took everything out, assembled my needle, and with a slight shake injected myself. Now I pull the thing out, give myself a wipe - push the thing in, and keep on going. It feels so NORMAL!!! This to me feels wrong. When fertility treatments start to feel normal... nothing weird about injecting myself, or having my legs open for all the world to see, or having all sort of things poked and proded - it feels too NORMAL.

6 cycles in and it feels NORMAL.

Wish just doing the deed felt normal these days... lol!

All clear for the IUI train!

So the good news is no cysts - so I am clear to the TTChoochootrain! It was strange and hard, knowing I should be in my last trimester but instead I am having dildo-cam fun and injections! Hopefully this will be a one cycle wonder.

So the nuts and bolts of the next two weeks (seems it all goes in two weeks!). I start my shots tomorrow night on CD3. Pretty much I have a loaded cartridge which I "prime" and "dial up" the amount I need. I then inject myself by squeezing the skin and inserting on an angle. It takes awhile to get use to the best position, but there are better spots that hurt less when I get it right :) Push in the dial, wait a few seconds and then pull it out. They teach you all of this before you start. For my sixth go, I do know it pretty well. I do this every night until Friday week when I go back in and they scan me. Since we know my cycles, I am coming in a bit later (they normally bring you in about CD10), but as I tend to ovulate later - I am coming in CD12 I think. Hopefully we will see some nice big juicy follicles about 10mm and ready to go (no more than three or they cancel!). Fingers crossed we have an IUI in less than two weeks!

Will keep you updated once we get to the next point! So strange being here again... so good, yet so strange!

On the train again.. choo choo!

So AF arrived yesterday along with a two day migraine and stomach aches. Lol. But she is here. So today is officially CD1 (for those wondering, CD1 is a full flow day - when you start to bleed and not just spot, yesterday was spotting). I go in tomorrow to get my scan and check there are no cysts etc and pick up my meds to start my shots. When I rang the nurse, she was so happy to hear from me, and then I broke the news that I lost the last pregnancy. At any rate we know it works for me, and I am hoping my body just does what it needs to.

Work is a huge stress for me. I am taking things a few steps further, but for someone who can not handle confrontation, this is not working out well for me. Sigh. I may have to leave because I am not coping - let alone the fall out from someone who is going to be so angry at me when they come back. Anyway. one step at a time.... I just hope this stress won't effect my cycle.. who is kidding, of course it will.. time for me to deal with it...