**last update post! ***
I made it to 12 weeks!!! Today marks my 12th week, and the end of this week will mark the end of the first trimester. I am officially off the meds as of today (again scary, but any signs my body is not liking being off the meds I am calling the doctor), as the placenta should have well and truly taken over. I am still scared and nervous and we still have not announced it to anyone. Partly as the kids do not know yet. Partly as I am scared things will still go wrong. I did make the decision that once my screen came back I would start posting my old posts. So in a few days you should all be caught up and at this post :) As I haven't announced it ( I won't on facebook either), please keep this news to yourself!
I did get my screening results yesterday (it took 8 days!!! not 14). The genetic counsellor who called me had on a very slow sad sounding voice. I thought, oh no it is bad. How bad. Oh f*#@. But I waited and got the news that all tests showed baby is low risk for everything!!! She said to me with such a low risk to just go about the pregnancy with the normal check ups. NORMAL CHECK UPS!!! I was in tears. Bursting. Still can't quite believe it. Still scared. But smiling. SMILING! I just want to start feeling this baby move. Once I get there, it will be just a little easier. But I can still feel this uterus pushing and growing, so that reassures me, and I still feel horrid, especially at night.
The other problem is my knee has swelled up. No idea why (I have a very bad knee anyway), but this pain has been different, and keeps me awake at night. Seems to feel better when I move it, but the minute I stop.. oh it hurts when I move it. I was worried my knee would play up with my first pregnancy and it was fine, it was also fine in my second, but this time... eek! Hopefully it will settle. Keep us in your prayers for this bub still growing and getting stronger!
*** 13 weeks - TODAY! **
I decided to add this on to the post I wrote a week ago. When I started posting the old posts, I had yet to tell anyone about the pregnancy. I knew I was coping with this pregnancy by almost forgetting I was pregnant. By not telling people, if something happened, maybe I could cope better, maybe it was not so real, maybe I could deny it had happened. Not the best way to cope, but starting to post even made me scared. People now KNEW. And what if, just what if I started to tell people and I lost the baby. I told a friend at 6 weeks, and that same night I had the bleed and loss. So there was this absolute fear that I would jinx myself.
The good news is that we finally started letting people know. My stepson was told, and was so excited this time (unlike last time, when he said some hurtful things), my son seems to get it now, and tells me I have a baby in my stomach. He keeps asking when the baby is coming out, and always wants to give my tummy a kiss and say goodnight. It is very sweet. My family now knows, and some close friends. My work colleagues have also been told. No big grand Facebook announcement. No clever photos posted in instagram. None of that - just a call and seeing the smile on my friends and family faces. Means a lot to get that hug, that squeal and that look of shock and delight. It also means those that are close to us know, and not everyone who happens across my life. I hope to announce this baby when it is in my arms. something I still am scared about. But I am feeling those tell tale twinges every once in a while, which reassures me. I am also still feeling so ill! But better since I went off the meds. Oh and going cold turkey off the meds - was terrifying! I must say I was waiting for some bleeding etc, but a week later and no problems at all. I just count every moment as a blessing. Hoping that second trimester health kicks in now I am officially there. I got there last time, but this was the same time we went for a scan to find all was not so good. I also felt a lot better at this time last pregnancy - another sure sign bub was gone for longer than I thought.
Anyway, I will keep you all updated in real time now :) Thanks for reading, I have thought about going back and changing those headers - but the fact is it shows my thinking. My absolute fear that by posting this - that something would happen. That I didnt want to know others knew, in case something happened. We all cope differently, and this has been the way I have coped. I was in denial, but I am not anymore. This is happening, and I will keep praying and praying that the rest of this pregnancy is smooth sailing.
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
11 weeks
***please
note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will
appear to update you all. Apologies for some posts being out of order -
that is the blogs fault. Nearly up to date with where I am at, one more old post and then an update from me!****
I made it to 11 weeks! I didn't think that would happen a few weeks ago. My doctor saw me and again we did a scan. Bub's heart is nice and strong, and my doctor is super happy with the way the pregnancy is progressing. So much so I am no longer being monitored! I am nervous about this, but at the same time, he must be seeing things that have made him confident. I have a friend who has a doppler, so hoping we can pick up the heart beat next week that way. I am now waiting for the screening tests, and once they come back, maybe, just maybe, I can start to relax and bond.
I made it to 11 weeks! I didn't think that would happen a few weeks ago. My doctor saw me and again we did a scan. Bub's heart is nice and strong, and my doctor is super happy with the way the pregnancy is progressing. So much so I am no longer being monitored! I am nervous about this, but at the same time, he must be seeing things that have made him confident. I have a friend who has a doppler, so hoping we can pick up the heart beat next week that way. I am now waiting for the screening tests, and once they come back, maybe, just maybe, I can start to relax and bond.
Monday, 23 March 2015
10 weeks!
***please
note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will
appear to update you all. Apologies for some posts being out of order - that is the blogs fault. Nearly up to date with where I am at.****
Last week was a big one for me. It was the week my doctor was going to let me know if he through this pregnancy was viable. I went in for my scan and we got great news. Firstly bub was moving! It also has an awesome heartbeat. It looked like the sack had grown some, but was still a little small. Bub was measuring perfect. My doctor told me he thinks the pregnancy is viable and that I have a very healthy little one in there. He finally booked me into his system, the hospital and got my paperwork (tests) started. I am optimistically hopeful. He also told me it was nice to see my smile :)
I have opted to have the Harmony Test. This is the new screening test they do, that looks at the DNA of the baby from mum's blood. It has to be done between 10-11 weeks to get a free scan in. I got in Tuesday (and yes they asked me why I called so late, but they were great when I explained), and we got to see bub again yesterday. Heartbeat is still awesome (164), and once it woke, it didn't stop shuffling in there. We got a 3D photo of its profile, and yes, I am past that point of non-attachment now. I am as attached as my last pregnancy. Good news was I asked specifically about the sack, and she said bub was measuring exactly right (10 weeks 5 days) and the sack was a good size (let's wait till I see my ob on Friday for confirmation). But things look really good. We saw toes, hands, the brain, the heart, even the umbilical cord. I had my blood test done and now I wait for the result. I am just praying for good news. The screening tests do worry me, but then this whole pregnancy has been a week to week waiting game.
Having said all that, one thing that has come out of it, is I now think I lost the last pregnancy earlier than indicated. I really wish they had given me some sort of estimate of when I lost it. She just said the bub measured right and was confused by the measurements and lack of heartbeat. I am not sure if she was telling me the truth. I thought bub looked small, and seeing this nearly 11 week beauty - I saw a lot of similar things. I probably was around 11-12 weeks when I lost the last one, and not 12.5 weeks like I thought. It may not make a difference, but mentally, it makes me feel better that I may be getting close to that point, and will get a different outcome.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough. My husband told me he doesn't feel confident - I think we have just been through too much, and there has just been too much fear this pregnancy. He doesn't even want to start telling people when I hit the second trimester. And I must admit I am scared of telling people too. But I am showing, so at some point it is going to come out. My Dad called my Mum asking her if I was pregnant - so people are figuring it out. Hopefully though everything comes back clear and in two weeks I can start telling people the good news. But it is another long long two weeks. Tomorrow I am 11 weeks, and I could not be more thankful!
Last week was a big one for me. It was the week my doctor was going to let me know if he through this pregnancy was viable. I went in for my scan and we got great news. Firstly bub was moving! It also has an awesome heartbeat. It looked like the sack had grown some, but was still a little small. Bub was measuring perfect. My doctor told me he thinks the pregnancy is viable and that I have a very healthy little one in there. He finally booked me into his system, the hospital and got my paperwork (tests) started. I am optimistically hopeful. He also told me it was nice to see my smile :)
I have opted to have the Harmony Test. This is the new screening test they do, that looks at the DNA of the baby from mum's blood. It has to be done between 10-11 weeks to get a free scan in. I got in Tuesday (and yes they asked me why I called so late, but they were great when I explained), and we got to see bub again yesterday. Heartbeat is still awesome (164), and once it woke, it didn't stop shuffling in there. We got a 3D photo of its profile, and yes, I am past that point of non-attachment now. I am as attached as my last pregnancy. Good news was I asked specifically about the sack, and she said bub was measuring exactly right (10 weeks 5 days) and the sack was a good size (let's wait till I see my ob on Friday for confirmation). But things look really good. We saw toes, hands, the brain, the heart, even the umbilical cord. I had my blood test done and now I wait for the result. I am just praying for good news. The screening tests do worry me, but then this whole pregnancy has been a week to week waiting game.
Having said all that, one thing that has come out of it, is I now think I lost the last pregnancy earlier than indicated. I really wish they had given me some sort of estimate of when I lost it. She just said the bub measured right and was confused by the measurements and lack of heartbeat. I am not sure if she was telling me the truth. I thought bub looked small, and seeing this nearly 11 week beauty - I saw a lot of similar things. I probably was around 11-12 weeks when I lost the last one, and not 12.5 weeks like I thought. It may not make a difference, but mentally, it makes me feel better that I may be getting close to that point, and will get a different outcome.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough. My husband told me he doesn't feel confident - I think we have just been through too much, and there has just been too much fear this pregnancy. He doesn't even want to start telling people when I hit the second trimester. And I must admit I am scared of telling people too. But I am showing, so at some point it is going to come out. My Dad called my Mum asking her if I was pregnant - so people are figuring it out. Hopefully though everything comes back clear and in two weeks I can start telling people the good news. But it is another long long two weeks. Tomorrow I am 11 weeks, and I could not be more thankful!
Sunday, 22 March 2015
8.5 weeks
***please
note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will
appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally,
please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what
has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for
various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate
all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things
have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have
this as a header! ****
Yesterday's scan went fine. Still a heartbeat and I am still pregnant. Now the long wait until next week. If things look good next week, we will be in a much safer spot. (saying that, no warning signs last pregnancy, 10 week scan was fine and I still lost it). So scared, but still taking it week to week.
Yesterday's scan went fine. Still a heartbeat and I am still pregnant. Now the long wait until next week. If things look good next week, we will be in a much safer spot. (saying that, no warning signs last pregnancy, 10 week scan was fine and I still lost it). So scared, but still taking it week to week.
8 weeks
***please
note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will
appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally,
please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what
has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for
various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate
all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things
have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have
this as a header! ****
It's
pretty tough. I'm still in no mans land. I have looked to google
(ergh!) and I can see it can go either way. Some of the photos I've seen
of the losses have a very tight sack with no space at all. Mine does
have some space - but I never asked how far behind the sack is, so I
really can't evaluate it.
It's
crazy. This pregnancy is being monitored like crazy as it's not tracking
as they would like. My previous one was perfect. Measured perfect,
heartbeat was about 140, saw it moving at 10 weeks. Even the 13 week
scan it had measured on track. And I still lost that baby. For no reason
with no markers. So as scary as this is, I'm also realistic that
anything can happen at any point .
And now I continue to wait. I just feel like I bought us another week, not good, not bad.
By
the time I post this even I will know the outcome. Hopefully miracles
with this pregnancy will continue. But it's the hardest thing I've ever
done.
Thursday, 19 March 2015
6 weeks : A miscarriage and a heartbeat
***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of
posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me
personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will
explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right
now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! ***
My 5 week blood tests came back perfect. I was still measuring high, and my progesterone had gone up. I have had terrible morning sickness, and tiredness, and I have suspected that both embryos may have taken. At 6 weeks I went in and had another blood draw. I was told my blood levels had risen nicely, but me being me, checked my numbers. I noticed they were not as high as I would have expected at 6 weeks, and my progesterone had dropped a little. I decided to call my nurse and question her the next day about the numbers (I had a different nurse give me the results), and see if I could get an early scan. I just had this feeling something was wrong.
That night, I lay down and my uterus felt funny. It was a feeling over the whole uterus - and I knew there was something wrong. I went to the bathroom to check (as you do), and discovered some red spotting. Coupled with my numbers, the weird uterine feeling, and the spotting, I called my husband (who was working) and told him it looked bad and that I thought I could miscarry. I called my mum as well for support. I then got up, felt a whoosh, and knew it was bad. The next few hours was spent with a lot of blood loss, and massive (palm sized) clots being passed, and pain. I knew it was all over then. I rang my doctor, who said to stay on the meds, and get a scan tomorrow morning, and that it didn't sound good, but he has had this happen, and the foetus is still retained. The bleeding subsided and I went for my scan. It amazed me how fast it all happened, how quickly all the bleeding stopped and the lack of severe pain.
I have had enough scans to know a 6 week foetus, and as she started the scan (this was the same room and sonographer who did my 12 week scan and found I had lost the last one), I thought I saw something. She was so quick to go to that little precious baby - who had a heartbeat. I cried, I asked her three times if I was still pregnant, I could not believe it. The suspicion (and it all fits), is that I passed the second embryo, but thankfully I still had one of them going strong. There was no evidence that the bleed was caused by something else, although they could see a little old blood still up in the uterus. It would explain my numbers not increasing so rapidly, and the fact I did not feel so unwell (nauseous) for a few days. As I am writing this I am still crying knowing I am still pregnant. The amount I passed, well I can not believe I still have a baby in me. I also can not fathom how amazing the body is, to remove one and keep the other. I have felt terribly unwell however. And I am struggling to get through the day. Massive headaches, extreme tiredness and breathlessness, and quite a bit of pain in my uterine area. My body is still recovering from what has happened. I hope and pray I get to 12 weeks, but I am terrified now. Even urinating brings back the sensation of miscarrying. But I need to be strong for this little one.
My 5 week blood tests came back perfect. I was still measuring high, and my progesterone had gone up. I have had terrible morning sickness, and tiredness, and I have suspected that both embryos may have taken. At 6 weeks I went in and had another blood draw. I was told my blood levels had risen nicely, but me being me, checked my numbers. I noticed they were not as high as I would have expected at 6 weeks, and my progesterone had dropped a little. I decided to call my nurse and question her the next day about the numbers (I had a different nurse give me the results), and see if I could get an early scan. I just had this feeling something was wrong.
That night, I lay down and my uterus felt funny. It was a feeling over the whole uterus - and I knew there was something wrong. I went to the bathroom to check (as you do), and discovered some red spotting. Coupled with my numbers, the weird uterine feeling, and the spotting, I called my husband (who was working) and told him it looked bad and that I thought I could miscarry. I called my mum as well for support. I then got up, felt a whoosh, and knew it was bad. The next few hours was spent with a lot of blood loss, and massive (palm sized) clots being passed, and pain. I knew it was all over then. I rang my doctor, who said to stay on the meds, and get a scan tomorrow morning, and that it didn't sound good, but he has had this happen, and the foetus is still retained. The bleeding subsided and I went for my scan. It amazed me how fast it all happened, how quickly all the bleeding stopped and the lack of severe pain.
I have had enough scans to know a 6 week foetus, and as she started the scan (this was the same room and sonographer who did my 12 week scan and found I had lost the last one), I thought I saw something. She was so quick to go to that little precious baby - who had a heartbeat. I cried, I asked her three times if I was still pregnant, I could not believe it. The suspicion (and it all fits), is that I passed the second embryo, but thankfully I still had one of them going strong. There was no evidence that the bleed was caused by something else, although they could see a little old blood still up in the uterus. It would explain my numbers not increasing so rapidly, and the fact I did not feel so unwell (nauseous) for a few days. As I am writing this I am still crying knowing I am still pregnant. The amount I passed, well I can not believe I still have a baby in me. I also can not fathom how amazing the body is, to remove one and keep the other. I have felt terribly unwell however. And I am struggling to get through the day. Massive headaches, extreme tiredness and breathlessness, and quite a bit of pain in my uterine area. My body is still recovering from what has happened. I hope and pray I get to 12 weeks, but I am terrified now. Even urinating brings back the sensation of miscarrying. But I need to be strong for this little one.
Not the news I was hoping for.
***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! Sorry if this sounds ominous - I do appreciate all comments and posts on here! As you will see from this post - things have not been straightforward, but all will come clear and why I have this as a header! ***
So to catch up, I am 7 weeks 1 day, and have no idea what is going to happen. I am tempted to start posting these so I can hear your stories, but as there are a few people that know me who read this blog, I have been reluctant. For now I am going with my old adage of focus on what is going right. 1. We have a heartbeat (and I was told it was a good heartbeart). 2. The baby has grown, even if it is small. 3. There is no bleeding. I have read lots of very hopeful stories, and I know my last pregnancy measured spot on and I still lost it. So anything can happen. It is just very stressful and hard to cope with.
Wednesday, 18 March 2015
the IVF TWW
***please note: this post was written some time ago and a number of posts will appear to update you all. for those of you who know me personally, please wait for the posts over the next few days which will explain what has happened. I don't want any contact about this right now, for various reasons. thanks! ***
I had my last transfer last week. Both embryos survived, and I have been playing the waiting game. I thought I might tell you what happened this time around.
Tuesday - transfer day.
Wednesday - I had a strong shooting pain from my hip, down to my knee.
Thursday - Again the same pain, to the point I had to stop and doubled over in pain.
Friday - I woke really early, and had some slight pain, like the other days, but milder. I did not get any more pain after this. The waking early has continued.
Saturday-Monday - nothing much to report, feel crappy, but that is nothing new on the progesterone.
Tuesday - I started to dry heave. This is something I don't do, but the nausea and the heaving made me thing I either had gastro.. or.....
Tuesday night - I bit the bullet and did a home test. I also got some spotting after my pessary use.
Wednesday morning - another test.Rang the clinic, and they said I could come in a day early
*** drum roll *****
*** keep going!!! *****
Thursday - Blood test results - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and yes my home tests were positive too!!! they came up straight away).
One of the things that threw me was the lack of CM. The pessaries dry you out big time I discovered. So even though this was a marker for my past pregnancies, it wasn't this time. I also just KNEW I was. A feeling.
My results are high for day 14, but not high enough to think it is twins yet. So I have to wait for the scan. I would prefer a singleton pregnancy, as I just do not want to risk another loss, but I will feel blessed whatever happens. I now pray for a healthy baby at the end. And trying to not over react or panic. It is surreal and scary, and I feel dreadful (and so happy about that one!).
I had my last transfer last week. Both embryos survived, and I have been playing the waiting game. I thought I might tell you what happened this time around.
Tuesday - transfer day.
Wednesday - I had a strong shooting pain from my hip, down to my knee.
Thursday - Again the same pain, to the point I had to stop and doubled over in pain.
Friday - I woke really early, and had some slight pain, like the other days, but milder. I did not get any more pain after this. The waking early has continued.
Saturday-Monday - nothing much to report, feel crappy, but that is nothing new on the progesterone.
Tuesday - I started to dry heave. This is something I don't do, but the nausea and the heaving made me thing I either had gastro.. or.....
Tuesday night - I bit the bullet and did a home test. I also got some spotting after my pessary use.
Wednesday morning - another test.Rang the clinic, and they said I could come in a day early
*** drum roll *****
*** keep going!!! *****
Thursday - Blood test results - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and yes my home tests were positive too!!! they came up straight away).
One of the things that threw me was the lack of CM. The pessaries dry you out big time I discovered. So even though this was a marker for my past pregnancies, it wasn't this time. I also just KNEW I was. A feeling.
My results are high for day 14, but not high enough to think it is twins yet. So I have to wait for the scan. I would prefer a singleton pregnancy, as I just do not want to risk another loss, but I will feel blessed whatever happens. I now pray for a healthy baby at the end. And trying to not over react or panic. It is surreal and scary, and I feel dreadful (and so happy about that one!).
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
Oh so quiet in here!
From tomorrow I am about to post a heap of posts I have written over the last few months. When you see them you will understand why I have been so quiet. I decided to hold off publishing them, as I have not been ready to face what was happening. Still not sure I am :) But.... I promised myself I would start, so hold on for the first post tomorrow!
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