Happy holidays!

I just want to wish you all happy holidays and a happy new year! I am hoping for an amazing 2014, as I am ready for 2013 to be well and truly over.

My joys this year have come from an amazing supportive husband who has put up with my pain and my joys. I have had some low points and he really does deal with it in his own special ways - in the ways I need them to be dealt with (even leaving me alone for 24 hours while I went through my bad patches, and being there when I went through even worse patches). An amazing son, who brings so much joy and beauty into my life. I love seeing him grow and his love for life. The little things he does now - hugs, cuddles, the joy in seeing me after a day of work or the joy he gets when he goes to his grandmothers or great grandmothers for the day. I love seeing you grow my beautiful son. You have been my absolute rock this year. And a step son who is the most amazing big brother I could wish for! Seeing you both together warms my heart like no other. My new home - has brought us all joy and pride.

And to my baby who I never met but got to see squirm around on screen. I hope you are happy and at peace, I love you and will always miss you.

Happy holidays and new year to you all!

IUI #6 : The Outcome

This week has been a major roller coaster. I thought this would be a very different post to what I am about to write. But let's go back to the start of the week Monday. I started to suspect something was happening on Monday night. I had a sudden thirst, sore boobs, hunger and increased CM (and if you read my other posts - I thought it had not worked at all! so I was suprised). The next day I noticed more so went and did a test. Middle of the day - in a cubicle and waited. I got two lines. I couldn't believe this cycle which was so screwed up worked. By Wednesday I felt the full blown early affects of those hormones. On Thursday I started to bleed, and the thirst disappeared. By today I had full bleeding and a blood test. My HCG registered pregnancy hormone, while my progesterone was down. So what does this all mean?

Welcome to the world of a suspected chemical pregnancy. My nurse is insisting it is all due to residual ovidrel - the pregnancy hormone I use to sustain the early pregnancy. But I don't think it was (my science mind going into overdrive).

1. I know from past tests 250 units is out of my system by day 10 after I took the shot (probably earlier). So there is no way that 30 units would still be in my system at 4 days ( I calculate that I would have lost 25 units a day to get to no registering by day 10).
2. I took the test in the middle of the day. My urine concentration of hormone would have been really low. If it was that 30 units, then it should have been negative, as there should have been very little left. It wasn't, there was a very clear line (stronger than the squinter - it was obvious).
3. My symptoms got worse days AFTER the shot. This would only happen with increasing hormone. The shot would have been decreasing. I also had two other units of 30 - (3 days apart) and did not have these reactions.
4.  I had none of these symptoms with the 200 unit shot - over 4 times more homone and none of these symptoms.

I am not sure why she is insisting it wasn't what I know it to be. I knew the follicle was too small - so probably it was a dud egg.

Btw - for those interested. A chemical pregnancy is a really early loss - called a chemical due to the fact the pregnancy can only be picked up by chemical means.

What do others think? Am I just over thinking? Or is she just trying to make me feel better?

9dpiui

So acronyms become the norm (normal) when you enter the world of infertility treatments. Today I am 9dpiui - or 9 days post IUI. And I am pretty sure it has not worked. There are a few tell tale signs when I am pregnant and they are missing. So now I will just sit and wait for AF (aunt flo/period - I should do an acronym table!). I know you ladies out there will tell me it is not over till AF arrives, but unless something changes today or tomorrow I know it hasn't worked. I was probably being too hopeful. My follicle size was pretty small - and my body was just being difficult to respond. Now we have to wait till January for another cycle...

A busy few days

When it rain it pours :) IUI was two days ago. It was a bit of a mad rush, as I had an all day work meeting (which of course ran late, so I sneaked out of), so that I could get to my clinic. The IUI this time was so painful. They are not using disposable plastic callipers and they were not nice at all. The entire process hurt, it felt like I was burning inside. That being said I only had a few drops of blood, but was uncomfortable the next day. I was surprised, as with my five other IUI's - I have had some pain but not like this (and the same nurse has done it for me before). She was super quick thankfully. Actually she is the nurse that has got me pregnant both times before! DH count was great and we did a double insemination. One into the cervix and the rest in the vagina. Now we wait. I am not overly hopeful, but my hormones have done a major disservice for me this cycle. I feel low, and all over the place.

I also had my interview for my course. The next day. So not just did I just have an IUI, I have all this pregnancy hormone running through my system and it showed. I feel like I totally f'ed up. I don't think I will get a place (they had 70 applicants and only accept 12), and I am not quite sure how to tell them my nerves, lack of sleep and hormones got the better of me! Sigh. Let's hope for some positive news soon, as I am not feeling so positive right now...

The miracle of the festival of lights

Firstly thankyou to everyone that commented on how I was feeling. I still feel a bit down trodden, but hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow evening marks the first day in a Jewish holiday called Hanukkah. It celebrates the miracle of being able to light a candle for 8 days after there was only enough oil for a few days. It is a very hopeful celebration, celebrated with lighting candles every night (to mark each night - up to 8), eating oily foods and celebrating with family. To me my children are my light and miracle, so it seems a little bit of a miracle that my IUI has been scheduled tomorrow, on the eve of Hanukkah. I am hoping my miracle of light will take hold within me.

So my body is being very uncooperative. Over the weekend I had thick CM that has been preceding my ovulations since the loss. I went in on Monday and the scan was at 13mm. They wanted it at 16mm (not 13mm like I though!). More bloodwork, and I was scheduled in for Wednesday. I also asked about late ovulation and egg quality and I was assured that it did not effect egg quality. I still feel it is too small, but if my body reflected I was about to ovulate, then I will hope it knows what it is doing! I triggered this morning (took a shot of synthetic pregnancy hormone!), which will induce ovulation in the next 36 hours. Then the long two week wait. I still don't feel very hopeful, but it is the miracle of lights right now! :)

Cycling is rough... so so rough...

I went in this morning for my follicle check. Pretty much it is an ultrasound to confirm how large and how many you have. You want to see no more than 3 follicles at least 13mm or larger to organise an IUI. Today, at CD12, I had one at 10mm. One. 10mm. at CD12. Most women have their natural surges and ovulate at CD14 (with much larger follicles at around 20mm). I at CD12, with medication am not even halfway there. I have noticed since the miscarriage that I am having long cycles. I have only got pregnant on cycles where we did the IUI around CD15. This won't happen this time, and I am feeling very hopeless. There is evidence the longer the cycle, the worse your egg quality.

On the way home. I cried. I should be getting ready to welcome our new arrival into out home, I should be feeling her kicks and I shouldn't have to be going through this again. needles, scans, inseminations.. argh.. Maybe my head is not quite in the right place, maybe it is just the hormones but I feel like giving up. Why can't I just do it the old fashioned way and have a body that works. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am, when I got home I told my son he was my little miracle. It just seems much harder this time around.

Just waiting to see what the blood results say, and if I will up my meds :(

Sorry for the feeling hopeless post... I try my best, and I know I have another baby in my future... I am just not sure it is this time...

You know you have had too many treatments when....

As I rushed around looking after the family, I realised it was time to take my shot. Once upon a time I counted down the minutes, took everything out, assembled my needle, and with a slight shake injected myself. Now I pull the thing out, give myself a wipe - push the thing in, and keep on going. It feels so NORMAL!!! This to me feels wrong. When fertility treatments start to feel normal... nothing weird about injecting myself, or having my legs open for all the world to see, or having all sort of things poked and proded - it feels too NORMAL.

6 cycles in and it feels NORMAL.

Wish just doing the deed felt normal these days... lol!