Happy holidays!

I just want to wish you all happy holidays and a happy new year! I am hoping for an amazing 2014, as I am ready for 2013 to be well and truly over.

My joys this year have come from an amazing supportive husband who has put up with my pain and my joys. I have had some low points and he really does deal with it in his own special ways - in the ways I need them to be dealt with (even leaving me alone for 24 hours while I went through my bad patches, and being there when I went through even worse patches). An amazing son, who brings so much joy and beauty into my life. I love seeing him grow and his love for life. The little things he does now - hugs, cuddles, the joy in seeing me after a day of work or the joy he gets when he goes to his grandmothers or great grandmothers for the day. I love seeing you grow my beautiful son. You have been my absolute rock this year. And a step son who is the most amazing big brother I could wish for! Seeing you both together warms my heart like no other. My new home - has brought us all joy and pride.

And to my baby who I never met but got to see squirm around on screen. I hope you are happy and at peace, I love you and will always miss you.

Happy holidays and new year to you all!

IUI #6 : The Outcome

This week has been a major roller coaster. I thought this would be a very different post to what I am about to write. But let's go back to the start of the week Monday. I started to suspect something was happening on Monday night. I had a sudden thirst, sore boobs, hunger and increased CM (and if you read my other posts - I thought it had not worked at all! so I was suprised). The next day I noticed more so went and did a test. Middle of the day - in a cubicle and waited. I got two lines. I couldn't believe this cycle which was so screwed up worked. By Wednesday I felt the full blown early affects of those hormones. On Thursday I started to bleed, and the thirst disappeared. By today I had full bleeding and a blood test. My HCG registered pregnancy hormone, while my progesterone was down. So what does this all mean?

Welcome to the world of a suspected chemical pregnancy. My nurse is insisting it is all due to residual ovidrel - the pregnancy hormone I use to sustain the early pregnancy. But I don't think it was (my science mind going into overdrive).

1. I know from past tests 250 units is out of my system by day 10 after I took the shot (probably earlier). So there is no way that 30 units would still be in my system at 4 days ( I calculate that I would have lost 25 units a day to get to no registering by day 10).
2. I took the test in the middle of the day. My urine concentration of hormone would have been really low. If it was that 30 units, then it should have been negative, as there should have been very little left. It wasn't, there was a very clear line (stronger than the squinter - it was obvious).
3. My symptoms got worse days AFTER the shot. This would only happen with increasing hormone. The shot would have been decreasing. I also had two other units of 30 - (3 days apart) and did not have these reactions.
4.  I had none of these symptoms with the 200 unit shot - over 4 times more homone and none of these symptoms.

I am not sure why she is insisting it wasn't what I know it to be. I knew the follicle was too small - so probably it was a dud egg.

Btw - for those interested. A chemical pregnancy is a really early loss - called a chemical due to the fact the pregnancy can only be picked up by chemical means.

What do others think? Am I just over thinking? Or is she just trying to make me feel better?

9dpiui

So acronyms become the norm (normal) when you enter the world of infertility treatments. Today I am 9dpiui - or 9 days post IUI. And I am pretty sure it has not worked. There are a few tell tale signs when I am pregnant and they are missing. So now I will just sit and wait for AF (aunt flo/period - I should do an acronym table!). I know you ladies out there will tell me it is not over till AF arrives, but unless something changes today or tomorrow I know it hasn't worked. I was probably being too hopeful. My follicle size was pretty small - and my body was just being difficult to respond. Now we have to wait till January for another cycle...

A busy few days

When it rain it pours :) IUI was two days ago. It was a bit of a mad rush, as I had an all day work meeting (which of course ran late, so I sneaked out of), so that I could get to my clinic. The IUI this time was so painful. They are not using disposable plastic callipers and they were not nice at all. The entire process hurt, it felt like I was burning inside. That being said I only had a few drops of blood, but was uncomfortable the next day. I was surprised, as with my five other IUI's - I have had some pain but not like this (and the same nurse has done it for me before). She was super quick thankfully. Actually she is the nurse that has got me pregnant both times before! DH count was great and we did a double insemination. One into the cervix and the rest in the vagina. Now we wait. I am not overly hopeful, but my hormones have done a major disservice for me this cycle. I feel low, and all over the place.

I also had my interview for my course. The next day. So not just did I just have an IUI, I have all this pregnancy hormone running through my system and it showed. I feel like I totally f'ed up. I don't think I will get a place (they had 70 applicants and only accept 12), and I am not quite sure how to tell them my nerves, lack of sleep and hormones got the better of me! Sigh. Let's hope for some positive news soon, as I am not feeling so positive right now...

The miracle of the festival of lights

Firstly thankyou to everyone that commented on how I was feeling. I still feel a bit down trodden, but hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow evening marks the first day in a Jewish holiday called Hanukkah. It celebrates the miracle of being able to light a candle for 8 days after there was only enough oil for a few days. It is a very hopeful celebration, celebrated with lighting candles every night (to mark each night - up to 8), eating oily foods and celebrating with family. To me my children are my light and miracle, so it seems a little bit of a miracle that my IUI has been scheduled tomorrow, on the eve of Hanukkah. I am hoping my miracle of light will take hold within me.

So my body is being very uncooperative. Over the weekend I had thick CM that has been preceding my ovulations since the loss. I went in on Monday and the scan was at 13mm. They wanted it at 16mm (not 13mm like I though!). More bloodwork, and I was scheduled in for Wednesday. I also asked about late ovulation and egg quality and I was assured that it did not effect egg quality. I still feel it is too small, but if my body reflected I was about to ovulate, then I will hope it knows what it is doing! I triggered this morning (took a shot of synthetic pregnancy hormone!), which will induce ovulation in the next 36 hours. Then the long two week wait. I still don't feel very hopeful, but it is the miracle of lights right now! :)

Cycling is rough... so so rough...

I went in this morning for my follicle check. Pretty much it is an ultrasound to confirm how large and how many you have. You want to see no more than 3 follicles at least 13mm or larger to organise an IUI. Today, at CD12, I had one at 10mm. One. 10mm. at CD12. Most women have their natural surges and ovulate at CD14 (with much larger follicles at around 20mm). I at CD12, with medication am not even halfway there. I have noticed since the miscarriage that I am having long cycles. I have only got pregnant on cycles where we did the IUI around CD15. This won't happen this time, and I am feeling very hopeless. There is evidence the longer the cycle, the worse your egg quality.

On the way home. I cried. I should be getting ready to welcome our new arrival into out home, I should be feeling her kicks and I shouldn't have to be going through this again. needles, scans, inseminations.. argh.. Maybe my head is not quite in the right place, maybe it is just the hormones but I feel like giving up. Why can't I just do it the old fashioned way and have a body that works. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am, when I got home I told my son he was my little miracle. It just seems much harder this time around.

Just waiting to see what the blood results say, and if I will up my meds :(

Sorry for the feeling hopeless post... I try my best, and I know I have another baby in my future... I am just not sure it is this time...

You know you have had too many treatments when....

As I rushed around looking after the family, I realised it was time to take my shot. Once upon a time I counted down the minutes, took everything out, assembled my needle, and with a slight shake injected myself. Now I pull the thing out, give myself a wipe - push the thing in, and keep on going. It feels so NORMAL!!! This to me feels wrong. When fertility treatments start to feel normal... nothing weird about injecting myself, or having my legs open for all the world to see, or having all sort of things poked and proded - it feels too NORMAL.

6 cycles in and it feels NORMAL.

Wish just doing the deed felt normal these days... lol!

All clear for the IUI train!

So the good news is no cysts - so I am clear to the TTChoochootrain! It was strange and hard, knowing I should be in my last trimester but instead I am having dildo-cam fun and injections! Hopefully this will be a one cycle wonder.

So the nuts and bolts of the next two weeks (seems it all goes in two weeks!). I start my shots tomorrow night on CD3. Pretty much I have a loaded cartridge which I "prime" and "dial up" the amount I need. I then inject myself by squeezing the skin and inserting on an angle. It takes awhile to get use to the best position, but there are better spots that hurt less when I get it right :) Push in the dial, wait a few seconds and then pull it out. They teach you all of this before you start. For my sixth go, I do know it pretty well. I do this every night until Friday week when I go back in and they scan me. Since we know my cycles, I am coming in a bit later (they normally bring you in about CD10), but as I tend to ovulate later - I am coming in CD12 I think. Hopefully we will see some nice big juicy follicles about 10mm and ready to go (no more than three or they cancel!). Fingers crossed we have an IUI in less than two weeks!

Will keep you updated once we get to the next point! So strange being here again... so good, yet so strange!

On the train again.. choo choo!

So AF arrived yesterday along with a two day migraine and stomach aches. Lol. But she is here. So today is officially CD1 (for those wondering, CD1 is a full flow day - when you start to bleed and not just spot, yesterday was spotting). I go in tomorrow to get my scan and check there are no cysts etc and pick up my meds to start my shots. When I rang the nurse, she was so happy to hear from me, and then I broke the news that I lost the last pregnancy. At any rate we know it works for me, and I am hoping my body just does what it needs to.

Work is a huge stress for me. I am taking things a few steps further, but for someone who can not handle confrontation, this is not working out well for me. Sigh. I may have to leave because I am not coping - let alone the fall out from someone who is going to be so angry at me when they come back. Anyway. one step at a time.... I just hope this stress won't effect my cycle.. who is kidding, of course it will.. time for me to deal with it...

Major stress! Major changes!!

As most of you who have been reading along know, I have not been happy at my job. I have stuck around for the pay and the maternity leave. But as of yesterday that has all changed. I was only given a 3 month contract, with some ridiculous comments on why. There is a chance it may be renewed - but I have a feeling if I was pregnant, that won't happen. Funding is there - so I am not sure what she is playing at (I have theories, but I don't think it is wise to share on here!).

At any rate - after the major stress of how we are going to live, a few things happened.

That genetic counselling course? Submitted my application! I was going to wait a year, but now I see no reason not to.
New job? Found three to apply for - two of which I am excited about. The fact I am finding jobs makes me hopeful.
Dear husband? Rebuilding his work porfolio.

Baby plans - will NOT be on hold. I think the saddest thing would be us not trying due to this. I may not get the same maternity benefits, I may be studying, and life will be hard, but I have never been one to shy away from it all.

Now I just have to work out how to not completely disconnect from this job (unlike my office buddy who said she wouldn't come back! Onya babe! You will be amazing!!!)

Updates galore!

This post is a bit all over the place. But I will start at the top!

We arrived back from our holiday a little while ago. It was great getting away, and New Zealand is stunning. One of the joys of driving through NZ is the scenery. Everywhere you go there is beauty to be found. This country is built around it farms not the cities - and it was a joy to travel through again. It was not long enough, but it was all we could do at this point. My son was a delight to travel with, patient and fun. He loved to explore all the new hotel rooms, and I think generally just loved having his parents around - okay okay, he loved having his mum around :) He was glued to my hip the whole time. We walked around Auckland - and it was very hilly. More than I remember it. Pushing a pram with a 12kg toddler on top of that, meant my husband and I got some great walks in. Our son slept during the day in his pram (or in the car when we were driving) so that all worked out really well. Our transition back home was not a hassle in regard to his sleep. He was just lovely to have around.

I got a cold while travelling, and still fighting that of, as is my boy. Which is why there is a lack of posts.

One of the tricky minefields you have after a miscarriage is hearing about other pregnancies. So far I have been pretty good. My attitude has always been "I am happy for them, even though I am sad for my loss". Until this week. One of my friends announced her pregnancy. Now she and I went through our first pregnancies together, and it hit me hard. We should be pregnant together, I should be celebrating with her,  I should be 28/29 weeks, I should, I should, I should!!! Sigh. I am trying so hard to not let this get to me, but it is. She also does not know about my miscarriage, and I knew once I messaged her to congratulate her - she would start a conversation and want to catch up. Sigh... not sure how to deal with this... I have tried so hard to not feel this way!

However, I am hoping we can start trying again very soon. Just waiting on AF - which I hope will appear in two weeks. My naturopath, as much as I love her, does tend to see things a certain way. Her comments that once I am pregnant again, it will all be better, and I will feel I am not wasting time etc etc, doesnt help. Another baby will not replace the one I lost. It will not be ignored. It was still our child.

Blah - feeling low, but you get that sometimes. I just try and look forward and think of my sons smiling face.

Plane!! Plane!! Plane!!

Although my son is yet to say those words, I am sure something along those lines will be mumbled tomorrow as we get on our flight for our much needed break. To say I am nervous is an understatement. Last time I flew with my son he was 5 months and still being breastfed. Now he is 18 months, walking and full of beans. I know I am going to love spending time with him over the next week (and my husband too!!), but I am nervous for the flight.

So I have tried to set up a toddler box of goodness. Crayons, stickers, rubber lego looking things he can play with, playdoh and more stickers. His favourite book, the ipad loaded with new games, his comforter and his dummy (or pacifier - we call them a dummy in Australia, not sure why!). Oh and a selection of treat food. Few. I wish I was him ;)

So I won't be around for the next week, but looking forward to getting away, hopefully AF is right on my door, so when we come back it is count down to TTC again.

If you have any other toddler plane trip ideas - now is the time to share :)

See you in a week!

It's THESE moments that still get to me !!!

It has been a rough few days. Belly pictures going up on facebook (reminding me of my empty belly), some more pregnancy announcements, and a visit to the women's hospital, have finally got to me! The visit to the women's was the worst. It was not for me, but my mother. What got to me, sitting in emergency with her, and hearing that amazing sound of a babies heartbeat in utero. I had to hold myself up. Not cry or walk away and push it away from my thoughts. I should be hearing and feeling my baby too. My mum proudly announced how she has wonderful grandson, and I felt like saying, "and one in heaven too".... oh wow... I try and be strong, but SHEESH! those moments are hard.

Still a few days away from out trip away. And hopefully only a few weeks away from giving it another go. Kind of scary and hopeful that I may be pregnant again in a matter of weeks...

Still, not sure this pain will quite ever go away. And you know what, that's okay. I have to allow it, and not wallow in it. I love my children, all of them, one through marriage, one through birth, and one with it's wings. Love you all xxxx

A blog callout - your time to share your special pages : I need your help :)

I love to discover other blogs. There are so many exciting and wonderful blogs out there! Leave me a message and I will organise to get your blog highlighted in a post in the next few weeks. Please also leave a little something about your blog.


On other note, for anyone that has yet to see a page/blog called birth without fear - jump on over and have a look. It is an amazing page that discussed all sorts of birth. One thing I have found lacking is something similar - but for those of us who conceived and lost. Something I am thinking of starting myself.

So this is what I need help with :
1. Share your blogs on this post - and tell us a bit about it.
2. Let me know if you have seen any sort of blog that is dedicated to our lost children
3. Would this be something you would be interested to participate in (anonymous if you want)
4. Any ideas for a name?

I know this won't happen overnight, but if you could also share this post with others who may benefit. We all have stories and I would love for them to be shared.

Simone x

All about my son!

I wanted to change tack for a moment. This blogged has focussed on the pain of my loss, my infertility and how I am trying to overcome all these things. But there is one special little light in my life, that I want to share with you.

My little man is about to turn 18 months. 18 whirlwind incredible months, that I would not change for a thing. The sleepless nights, my juggling act between work, family and motherhood, the down times - all of it have been incredible. And I would have found this journey that much harder without him in my life.

Yesterday we took him for his first haircut! He cried through the whole thing and held onto me with tight arms. I hate admitting it but I love those cuddles, when he gets shy or insecure and he just won't let go. Otherwise he is off and about (running wherever he can!). It is such hard work being a toddler. Firstly, there are the issues when mummy won't let me go into the medicine cupboard, or the bins. And then there is the annoyance when they don't get what I want. And not letting my have my dummy/pacifier or sleep toy. My life is over :) A lot of the time I laugh at his tantrums, it always ends up (okay some of the time ;) ), with him giggling with me. Otherwise a cuddle and distraction works. I remind myself this is a stage where he can not control his emotions, and his cries are frustration or normally something else going on. The other week, he broke down every 5 minutes. I ended up saying to him, "We have the weekend together, I would like to enjoy it, can you calm down?". to my utter shock and disbelief, he nodded, stopped crying and composed himself. He is such a little man now!!

He loves his older brother so much, it warms my heart. My elder step-son is 9 years older then his brother, and I had no idea if they would get along. But they adore each other, play together and both can not wait to see each other when they are together. This is a friendship I know will last a lifetime for both of them. I am so proud of my step-son and what an amazing older brother he is. My older brother and I do not get along, never really did, so I did not want this for my kids. It is a real joy for me to see this connection.

Being a mum is the most demanding job I ever had. Especially as I am the one who works, and my husband stays home with the kids (not by choice, but necessity). When I am home, my son wants me, and I do not blame him. I want him to, but it means when I walk through the door, he comes to the toilet with me. If I have shower before he goes to bed, he bangs on the door - but I do not care!! That is the great thing about being a parent, you lose your privacy, you lose a little of your self, but you gain this amazing little person in your life. One day he will grow up, and I will banging on his door to see him, to hug him to be with him, and he will be too busy.

So I enjoy every moment, every milestone, and those cuddles, oh my those cuddles, I never want them to end...

Looking to the future

As some of you would have read, I am pretty unhappy in my work. I work full time, and really the only reason I stay has been for the pay and maternity leave benefits. Once I finish having kids - I won't stay here. I had to wait a year since returning from leave, as part of the benefit package is to commit for another year. It is now over with, but I will hang around for a bit longer, as I hope to completely change career paths.

For a long time - I have been interested in genetic counselling. Long before I undertook my research career. I loved research and really thought it is where I wanted to be, but I have not found a good place for myself in Academia. I have a few choice words I could say about the people that are in academia, but suffice to say - it is not full of honest, truthful people. And I don't want to be around that or fighting for my place in there. I was warned a long time ago not to trust my work atmosphere - and it wasn't long before I realised why. It has not got much better.

So after the miscarriage I talked to my work colleague about doing a genetic counselling course. I have the science background and think it is something I would excel it, especially considering my recent history of infertility and loss. I put it away as too hard, I already have three degrees, finally paid off my school fees, and really did not want to go back to study. But it has just become so clear this is where I need to go. I want my miscarriage and loss to mean something other than it was a 1/4 loss. I know a few of you have read this blog, and found hope and do not feel so alone of crazy. Which is why I started this, I would love to take this further.

So I have e-mailed the course co-ordinator to find out more about the course, and what options would be best for someone with my history of study :) I am so nervous to jump into this, the idea of studying again gets me into knots, but I know I could help others out there... We shall see what it brings!

A magic moment - a lifetime of healing

For anyone that is purely scientific, doesn't believe in spirits and all of that mumbo jumbo - please skip this post :) For everyone else, come and join me on one of the most wonderful and privileged experiences I have had!

I have mentioned before on here - how I "knew" I was pregnant, and how I just "know" things. As crazy as that sounds. For me this miscarriage has been half physical and the other half spiritual. In the past ten weeks I have done a lot of healing, but I knew I needed to connect with someone on a deeper level. I was drawn to a facebook page - where the wonderful Cameron put up an open question time, that he would then answer. I asked if I would ever get over the way I felt - and his response (along the lines of) - you will get through it with the strength you have always had in you (or something to that effect). I am not sure why, but in that moment, I knew I had to meet him.

Well a long story short, I was very fortunate to have everything align, and get slotted in for one of only a few face to face readings in my hometown (he is from Brisbane, a 2 hour flight away from Melbourne). Today was my day to meet him! It started before I got there - a comment on his facebook page about a singing grandmother. The minute I read that I knew it was my grandmother, who passed a few weeks before I lost my baby. And yes, it was clearly her :)

Cameron has an amazing gift, and energy about him. He is honest, thought provoking and genuine. He does things the way he needs to do it, in the order he does it and explains along the way. He has such an amazing vibe, you can't help but walk away feeling rejuvenated and ready for life. No energy pill, drug or sugar high will ever make you feel as wonderful as walking away from someone with a true gift.

So what did he tell me? I won't go into all of it, I am still taking so much of it in - but I will share some of the special connections he made. He connected with my grandmother, and she passed on some words of wisdom I will need at some point to pass onto my mother. It was great to also be able to know that she is herself again, smiling, laughing and singing!! She always loved to sing, especially those older songs - and Cameron knew that. I lost her a long time ago to alzheimers, so it is wonderful to know she is here with us again. It was also wonderful to know my baby is with her for now. Yes you read that right - for now.

I may have written about this before, but I will again - a wonderful Aussie author Traci Harding, writes esoterical fiction. A great fun read, but one thing I took away from her books, long before I was ever pregnant, was the main character having a miscarriage and losing her son. The way the main character coped - was knowing her baby's energy had just come back to her and was waiting to be reborn. When I lost my baby, that was what I had hoped - that my baby would come to me when the time was ready.

Cameron told me this - never knowing I had this story. He told me she would come back to me, and that if I wasn't pregnant already (I know I am not), I would be really soon. Cameron told me to believe my gut - that it was my daughter who we lost. I didn't feel the need to talk as much about my baby as I thought I would, but I did get to talk about my "knowing" and that yes it was very real and a part of me. Something I will work on through meditation. There are two people I just know are going to have a baby. One has given up, the other is fighting infertility. I just know and feel they will both get babies in the future. I hope I am right :) Something to meditate on!!!

He was also able to connect with a few other people, and I truly feel blessed about meeting him. I could have just talked to him for hours, such a wonderful soul. Thankyou Cameron, for coming to Melbourne, for fitting me in and for all you do (and you too Lindel!). You mentioned your family to me - those two very special souls, but I think you have a much wider family, of those you touch every day with your wonderful gift. So much love out there for you - you told me to let go of my doubts - you need to let go of yours too :)

FINALLY!!

When you battle PCOS/infertility AF (your period/the witch etc) is a constant battle. You either do not want her around, or she just does not turn up!

For me it has been the latter. I have had strange things happen to me - and tomorrow marks 8 weeks since my d&c. I was hoping my detox would work, and AF would come back by 6 weeks. Nope. Instead I got spotting and heaps of other discharge at 4 weeks that confused me.

7 weeks. Nope

8 weeks - YES!!! I finally got AF a few days ago. It started with light spotting that came and went, but developed into full blown AF.

Now why am I sharing this with you - because I have PCOS. Because being regular is not something I take for granted. No AF, no trying again. I was so bloated I look pregnant, I felt I was full of fluid and would have to go to a doctor, I just wanted my body back.

I went on iron supplements, got acupuncture, and four days later she arrived (and boy has she let me know she is back!).

I feel I can close a chapter on my life and now really look forward with hope. PCOS is still not besting me, and I was able to get AF without medical help.

I am also finally seeing the result of my detox with the bloating subsiding. I have a flat stomach again (well as flat as someone who has been pregnant before!), into my jeans with no problems, and not having a stomach hanging over onto my legs (I hate that feeling!). Yay AF!

Now one more cycle and we can jump back on the TTC wagon - which will be after we get back from  holidays. This battle is a small one, but you can never take anything for granted, not even regular cycles. One stop forward :)

The physical toll of a miscarriage - more than I expected

When I went to see my naturopath, one of the things she said to me was :

' A miscarriage is much harder physically on a body than a full term pregnancy'

I actually wasn't surprised by this. When you think of what your body goes through to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy - there is a cycle to fulfil. And with a miscarriage your body is suddenly shut down from this process, and is not quite sure how to handle it.

What has surprised me is what has happened since.

On Wednesday night I noticed I had trouble driving in the dark. I noticed the same thing at dusk the next day, and when I was trying to see my son in his cot in his dark room, and getting clothes in my bedroom while dark. Suddenly, overnight I went from being able to see - to not. 

This scared me. I went to see an optometrist on Friday night and got the good news - my eyes were in great health but a bit dry. The bad news - they were a lot worse. She however did not want to change my prescription because - unbelievably - it may just be due to the stress of the miscarriage and my eyes may revert back to what they were. They may also stay this way, but she wants to give me another 6 weeks to see how I go. I have some contacts in a stronger script and will use that at night to see me through.

I almost feel like crying. Still waiting for a normal AF ant not just spotting, feeling like I am losing my sight and not sure what else may creep up on my physically. I put on a brave face, but these constant reminders just get to me sometimes. I am just glad it will improve.

(As I am writing this I get told my son just said "hello". Made me smile, ahhhh the ups and downs. So thankful for my amazing little man who helps me through every day!)

Working while pregnant and dealing with miscarriag - my experience

I just read this article on what it was like working while pregnant. For me it was and always has been a challenge. Made worse by a pregnancy loss.

With my son I worked up to a week before he was born. I was hoping to have two weeks or so off, but there were other plans. I work as a research fellow - in a University in a demanding position. My brain needs to be switched on, and when you are pregnant, that is not so easy. Compounded by pelvic instability and illness, my pregnancy was not a lot of fun. My boss has no kids herself, and is not the most sympathetic person. I felt I was letting the team down, so I just pushed through.I tried to get help with my desk setup - and in the end just got into trouble by asking for help from OHS (without consulting my boss - when I was doing what was in my legal right). I did get to work from home, and did cut down to part time hours. But it was hard.

With my second pregnancy, I hid my pregnancy from my boss till I was 10 weeks and started to spot. I was on my way to work when my ob sent me home and off for a scan to make sure the spotting was nothing. I was then in tears I rang my boss to tell her I was pregnant, spotting and not sure I could attend a meeting in Sydney (a 1hr flight)  the next day. At that scan my little bub was perfectly happy, strong heartbeat and moving around. I will never forget those images, the last I have of my baby alive. I was cleared to fly and as exhausted as I was I flew. I then came down with a cold, and was expected to make the same trip to Sydney two weeks later. I took a few days off to try and recuperate, and even with a head blocked up and feeling horrid, I got on that plane. I did not want to let my boss down, I didn't want to waste money on an airfare, and I just sucked it up. My ears hurt horribly, and it took a good month for my ears to clear again. I was 12 weeks when I flew, and it would be a week later I would find out the baby passed. I am yet to find out if the baby had a chromosome issue, but I do wonder if I had taken it easy and put myself first if things would have ended differently.

Going back to work was the hardest thing. I think coming into an environment that people know I was "sick" but not what happened. Moving forward but finding it hard to concentrate. Not wanting to let anyone down, or to do a bad job. But one thing I know, I will not fly during my first trimester, I will look after myself, and they can go get %^^# if they think I will not put myself first. I know what my boss will say (I have heard her say it about others), I know the annoyance I will hear in her voice, and I know I will just have to deal with it.

The most ironic thing - I work in a women's health unit.

Spring has sprung

Finally it has warmed up and that smell of Spring arriving is in the air. I spent the weekend in the garden with my boys - and took in the fresh air. I am not sure how long it will last - but at least we can enjoy the nice weather here for the next week.

Spring has always been a favourite time of year for me. There is that smell, and the trees start to bloom, and it is not too hot - but you can enjoy the weather. It is just a beautiful time of year. This year I am hoping Spring will bring an awakening, and a time to feel good. I felt so bad last night when my husband said he missed his happy wife. I am trying so hard, but I still have those moments. The miscarriage feels like it happened to someone else. I dream about being pregnant again. Seeing that second line, but the reality is AF has not returned yet, and I don't know when we will try again.

I want to feel happy again, but I know I should be midway through my pregnancy, instead I feel empty. I try and be positive, I know there are many worse off than me - but it is hard. I also try to push away thoughts of the miscarriage - if I think about it - I stop myself. I just don't want to think about it. Is it healthy? I don't know...

Still spring has started to show itself, and next week is the Jewish New Year - to me a new year to start again. I need to hold my head up high, and try and be happy. I just hope that AF witch shows up soon. I just want to move on.

PCOS and depression : yes it is real!

When I was a teen, I suffered from depression. I had parents who were frustrated at me for crying for no reason. The school I went to had me on a suicide watch, and I use to cut myself (I still have my scars and can just make out the words I wrote to myself. They were not very nice). I am not proud of my scars, but they remind me of where I came from. My depression was real, and although I had counselling - I found it very hard to cope. Everything got to me. And I didn't understand it.

What I know now is those teen years are hell, they are then compounded by a hormonal condition that exasperates the condition. My depression was real but I could have coped with it better if I had dealt with the hormonal side better than just the contraceptive pill.

I was reminded of how horrible that depression felt a few days before my d&c. I was actually terrified of where I was going and if it was going to stay with me. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to play with my son, I just wanted the world to swallow me up. The day of my surgery I woke up feeling better and knowing it was going to be a day of goodbyes. Thankfully that feeling has not returned.

Unfortunately along side the other horrid PCOS symptoms, depression is something we need to understand. The worst part for me is around AF/period time. The drop in hormones sends me into a tither - and this is where we PCOS women need to be careful. If we allow ourselves this mood can last the entire month and turn into a reality for us. And this is when we are in danger of leading a life of depression.

But there is help.

• See your doctor and try and get on metformin - it will help regulate those hormones and may help those crazy moods.
• Understand this is a short term thing - just push through it and understand you have flat days (and get your partner/kids to understand this too!!)
• Get your diet under control. That chocolate bar or muffin will not help the situation - get healthy foods into you, it can do wonders!
• If all fails and you feel your depression is real, get some support. It may be that you need this support to understand and recognise you don't have to be feeling this way all the time (and then you start to recognise it and cope with it better).
• Meditation - can work wonders.
• Exercise releases happy hormones, go for a walk or run if you can.
• Raw cacao - yup throw that chocolate bar away and make some of these. The raw cacao releases happy hormones, and the whole thing is low GI super yum and guilt free!

For me the biggest thing I do is point 2. I understand it, ride through it and watch myself. If I think it is lingering for too long I try to do other things to get me out of the mood.

Do you have any tricks to help out? Let us all know!

Feeling happy - I didn't think that was possible!

So I am officially one week into my four week detox, and 4 weeks past my d&c. I knew once the miscarriage happened I had to detox. I had to heal my body before I could heal my mind. So a week into my detox and things are changing.

- I am happy. Yup I feel happy. I no longer drive to work when the sadness and depression start to hit me again. I feel upbeat, and more like myself.
- I have energy!!! I forgot what that was like since my first pregnancy! This weekend my husband and I are making the most of this energy buzz and going out :) (though my energy levels are annoying my husband haha!)
- My husband is feeling better - just by changes in the diet!
- I feel hopeful - that we can and will try again!

And we are planning a small overseas trip in October to get away, spend some quality time together and then come back and try again.

I know everytime I have done the detox I have felt great - I think it releases endorphins as we get rid of the junk in our system. It is hard work but it is sooo worth it!

Bring on my holiday and trying again!

Oh and my son is walking on his own!!! I feel like I am the only mother ever to have a child take his first steps! I am so proud!

Reflections...

Today was a huge milestone for my son. He took his first independent walk. Something he will one day do and never think about. For now it's a huge development. For me, the comments of "now it's going to get tough" are responded with "so let it get tough". I'm so proud of my little man, that the new developments don't scare me. I treasure every moment and milestone as you never know if you will get them again with another child. 

And so I reflected and found myself tearing up. I have such a gorgeous, funny, loving child that I feel my angel would surely have followed their brother and I felt so sad I wasn't going to meet this child. I know all kids are different, but I find the loss is actually harder having another child. Easier but harder - because I know what would have come. 

Infertility is often about getting pregnant that sometimes the end product is almost a shock. To me it's always been about the child I would hold. 

Detox countdown - why is it so important to me?

When I went to conceive my son, and I had to IUI cycles that had failed, I was at the point I was ready to give up. I did a detox, and the results shocked me. I blogged about it (on a private site) - and want to share what I went through then and why I am about to do it all over again! This is a snippet of what I wrote at the time! It will be interesting to see what happens this time!


Day 1

I never tend to blog, but after two failed IUIs and a realisation I probably have a problem in my luteal phase of my cycle, I have decided to try and take my mind off getting pregnant and trying to get my body right. I was going to take a month off anyway, now I have a focus for this month.

So a bit about me : I have PCOS, and my partner has MF. We went through two back to back IUI's which resulted in AF coming very soon after ovulation. I did a bit of research and found out about luteal phase defects, which would pretty much result in losing the lining before implantation was completed successfully. So I may have been conceiving but when my hormones dropped so did my chances of being a mum.

I have two choices - go for a third round (which I am sure will fail at this point) and move onto IVF (costly and I think still unnecessary). Or take a break and try and work out what is wrong with my body. I have had problems in the past healthwise, and my naturopath (G) changed my life. I got on the right track and I am back in her care for the next month, so we can cleanse my body and see if that kick starts and prepares my system for that long waited for pregnancy.

This blog will talk about my 6 week detox program. If it helps me maybe it can help you? I am hoping to show how easy and yum I can make it. I also hope if it gets me a BFP it may help get you one too! G did tell me she has a 42 year old woman trying for 5 years through IVF - and after this program got pregnant and is due in 4 weeks. I really do have faith in her!

Just be aware I am doing this supervised and with supplements and acupuncture (they help clean you out and replace your body with good stuff) - so see your health care provider before doing anything! First 2 weeks is remove, next 2 replenish, final 2 (and I should be stimming during this time) is renew! so I hope to lose weight, get cleansed and get knocked up .




The detox is made up of 6 small meals a day - with at least 2 litres of water a day during meal breaks. One small portion of protein at every meal, one serve of rice/grains a day and up to 2 servings of fruit a day. dinner was my start of my day! Poor DH gets to eat this food - but don't feel too sorry for him, he enjoyed quite a bit of it!

After first week :


Wow! Nearly a week has gone past! And I survived my first weekend on the detox diet! Along the way I found out some really interesting stuff (mainly from the amazing alternative therapies thread on the infertility site). There is a thing called the fertility kitchen , but there she discusses how diet can cause conception problems. Pretty much the essence of it if your body is stuggling with foods (such as sensitivites, sugars, pesticides), it will try and protect itself and leave the less essential parts of the body to fend for itself (such as your reproductive system). Really interesting read - and makes me feel I am on the right path.

I have lost all of the bloating from the last two months - which is pretty nice. i had my hair done over the weekend - and I am feeling more attractive than I have in months! I am interested to see if I have lost any weight. If I can lose at least 5 kilos, I think it may make a huge difference to the next round of IUI.



So I have officially passed the one week mark and got my weigh in! In one week I have lost 2 kilos (about 4.5 pounds!!). I am so happy about that. If I can lose another 4-5 kilos (8-12 pounds) I will be back to my healthy weight range. The FT battle makes you put on weight, and having PCOS and being IR - your weight sometimes gets the better of you! Still I am going down and not up so I am super happy about that!


Phase 2 :

I am now well into the second phase of the detox. I am having more headaches (some of them are hormone related, a nice gift from my medicated cycles ). But it is also telling me AF should be coming in the next two weeks (makes a very different sort of TWW I tell you!!). I am also feeling much more apprehensive about the whole thing. Concerns that I am doing all this and my final IUI may not work still. However, I am losing weight, I am O'D on my own this month, and I am cleaning out my system. What else can I do? 

End of detox :


So the last two weeks were a real struggle. I am really glad I don't have to go for another two weeks. It means I can now focus on the next round of IUI and trying to get pregnant/have a healthy body and a healthy baby!

For those interested I lost 2.5kg (about 5.5pounds) over the last month. Which I am super happy with, as I am super bloated so it may be closer to 3kg without the water. It also means I go back into another IUI round 2.5kg lighter - which should, i hope, help heaps!!

Now I am waiting on AF. I am sure it is around the corner, but my O'd came so late into my cycle (about cd 22/23) and according to my calendar AF is due tomorrow. I do think I am on the verge of getting it. So hopefully my next post will be about being back to the stims.

I did discuss what I would put back in my diet - and I have put back in rye It is one of the less harsh cereals, and otherwise I am trying to remain gluten/dairy/sugar free as much as possible. This detox is not just about cleansing it is about allowing my body to get pregnant!

I am also going to be questioning my hormonal support during my Luteal Phase. I will let you all know how it goes. It is my birthday month, so what an awesome gift to get pregnant Please wish me luck!!

Thanks for reading and following my last month. It has been tough. I am nervous but also super excited to be trying it, lighter, healthier and with a better positive outlook!! 

IUI time :

Well the good news -
AF arrived about two weeks after I thought I O'D! So... let's list the positives
1. My Luteal Phase lasted at least two weeks! It did extend on it's own!
2. I am officially CD1, and back stimming on Sunday (my birthday, yay for a BFP as a birthday gift!).
3. I am weighing a few kilos lighter than I did last cycle!
4. I have had about 2 weeks between end of detox and starting again.
5. My naturopath is super positive about this cycle.
6. The nurses doing my cycle are going to monitor the LP when we get there!
7. I am officially trying again! YEEHAA!

The bad news : I do have a small cyst on my right ovary, but they are not going to cancel. So still good news.

So excited, I am really hoping this is the last AF for a few months. And AF is not painful this month. Yay! 

 check in 1 : 

Okay so I am not pregnant .. yet ...! But I have had some success!

I have been on puregon (FSH) 75 for the last 8 days! Today is cd11 for me, and I went in for my first ultrasound. I have a 12mm follicle! Now this might seem normal for everyone else, but for me we never see anything till a) we up my dosage of meds and b) it happens about cd 15 (to this size!) with Ovulation occurring about cd19 (on a medicated cycle; on a non-medicated cycle it took ages, about cd24). To be at least 4 days earlier on a medicated is amazing!!!! So my cycle is almost looking more normal!!! And no upping of my meds!

Wednesday is scan #2 - so I am hoping I will have a nice big fat follie ready to burst and have a IUI this week! Which would be amazing.

I know this may not seem like much - but I had a 2 week luteal phase (on my last non-medicated detox cycle, big improvement over my short LP during my medicated cycles), and now a shorter time to follie production - shows the detox/AP/diet has definatley shifted things for the better for me.

Best wishes! 

check in 2 :

 

Wow. I am spinning this morning! Went in for my second ultrasound, and I have two big juicy follies measuring at 16 and 18mm! So I have booked in my IUI for Friday. Friday is CD15, a huge change from the CD19 IUI's I had on my last two medicated cycles. I also stuck on the one dose of 75 through the whole process! First time we did not need to up my meds!

I am so excited. Things just feel like they are falling into place. One thing I know is that at the end of the last BFP, I really felt all I was doing was waiting to go through it again to have exactly the same outcome. I knew if I did not make a change I pretty much was spending money to end up with IVF. I started the detox hoping it would change my luteal phase and lengthen it - I really can't believe it has made such a difference that even now my ovaries are playing nice, and shortening my time to making follies. I know I have done everything in my power to try and improve my chances of getting pregnant including improving my cycle.

Now the best thing would be to report back a BFP in about two weeks! Wish me luck!!

(And timing - I have an AP on Friday morning booked right before I get turkey basted Has to help!!)

  check in #3 - post IUI

All has gone well so far with my IUI. I can't tell you all how different this round has been. I triggered and didn't get any of the real nasty side effects (sore boobs etc), but I do feel a few days later a little down, bloated and well tummy is not so great. However compared to my first two rounds I feel awesome! The IUI wasn't so great, very crampy and bleeding a little - but as I never had these in the first two rounds, I have to take that as a super positive sign this is different!

I am starting crinone tonight (I really don't think I am looking forward to it - any tips anyone?). So I know my LP will remain for longer (so I won't be able to say for sure this round it has extended on it's own, but no risks here!).

So I am in my long TWW wait not. I am praying, and trying not to think too much about it.

I so hope in two weeks I can report back with some positive news. The one thing I know is I have done everything now - and this cycle is so different. Fingers/legs/everything crossed!

 results :

So for those that have been following my progress, I did 2 IUI's that ended up with a short Luteal phase and my hopes being dashed. I decided to take a month off, do a detox and see if i could get knocked up. At 4am this morning, I POAS and I got two lines!!!! A BFP ! I am still in shock, and keep looking at that line! I am 13dpiui for those interested, and have my beta on Monday.

There were a few things that came out of this TWW. I was on crinone, so I assumed everything was to do with the crinone. I had pinching feelings in my abdomen that went away (I think it was implantation - but i wont know), and I did get some pain with my radial ligaments (I think thats what it is called), around my gut. However, again I thought it was the crinone - and it still could be! About two days ago, I developed a shocking migraine, my bbs got bigger and sore, I was tired and a little short of breath when i was walking and (this may be TMI), but I noticed an increase in CM. Again, I was surprised that the crinone would give me symptoms all at once after a week of using it - but last night was the point I believed it actually was due to my AF arriving. I had convinced myself it was another BFN - and I am still thinking, what if the stick test is wrong? But, I may POAS again tomorrow to double check. But I think you know in your heart anyway.

So there is hope. You can take things back into your own hands and get a BFP. Treat your body with the love it deserves, get rid of the crap out of your diet, and allow yourself the best chance to get your BFP!

Now to a safe healthy pregnancy - the worry doesnt end here! 

Miscarriage and infertility - why does it seem to go hand in hand?

Rates of miscarriage in infertile women are much higher than in the general population. So why is this? I have my theories and thought I would share them. These are only my thoughts, and I may be wrong, and happy to accept that too.

First thing to realise is that there are more than one type of loss.

The earliest loss is a chemical pregnancy. It normally happens before 6 weeks, and most women just assume they have had a late or heavy period, and never even know they were pregnant. That is, if you weren't trying. These pregnancy losses are also never recorded in the general population.

Chemical pregnancies happen more often in infertile couples because we look for them. We are trying to actively get pregnant and know when we do and we lose the baby. I actually think the rates are not much different - just not identified and documented like in the general population.

A miscarriage is before 20 weeks (to me that is crazy - stillbirth is very real before 20 weeks). If you have an early loss before about 14 weeks, chances are it is chromosomal. We see it more in infertile couples, because infertile couples can be older, have poor egg quality or low sperm counts. All these things can add to the chances of a chromosome mutation. Rates are higher, but from what I have read, a lot of the studies that are being done and quoted are either quite old studies or done in easy access populations like infertility groups. Again I think rates are higher due to a few factors, but also due to the way things are quoted.

I also think some of the technology is to blame. We are circumventing nature to some degree, through IVF, ICSI, IUI, drugs etc. We have no idea what all the crucial very early embryonic developmental stages are - we have a pretty good idea - but how do we know that by injecting sperm into the egg has not screwed up a development stage which has led to early embryos arresting in or out of the mother. We just don't know. But once again our miscarriage rates go up.

For late stillbirths after 20 weeks - these tend to be often due to a problem with the mother. I hate saying it - but it is important to understand. A shortening of the cervix, a badly placed fibroid, endometriosis causing havoc - there are lots of reasons, but I don't think it is any more common - unless the pregnancy problem is also related to the fertility problem.

At the end of the day, I think miscarriage rates are exaggerated in infertile couples due to risk factors (like age etc), monitoring of pregnancies from day dot (we know very early on if we are pregnant and lose it), and physical factors that may have affected the mother. With my first pregnancy I was so scared of miscarriage because I knew these factors. But at 34 I thought I had a great chance of coming out of it okay. I was a little bit more confident with my second at 35 - but I think age got me this time.

Not much I can do about my age - but I can try to improve my egg quality - so two days till detox time!

Miscarriage/Stillbirth finally getting some attention in Australia

Last night a story aired here in Australia about a comedian Mary Coustas and her infertility fight. She discussed miscariage, selective reduction, stillbirth and now a miracle pregnancy - her rainbow baby. Her episode is here and I really urge people to watch it (linked here).

Her bravery at talking out loud about what happened to her, has taken facebook and the media by storm. This morning on the radio they were talking about miscarriage and stillbirth. I hope this helps people understand how devastating these losses are. She describes how after her miscarriage she howled every night and how hard nights have become.

For me this is what my life is like post miscarriage (3.5 weeks since we found out, 2.5 since D&C) :

- I wake every night around 4am. I am tired and exhausted because of this.
- I have dreams, some good most heartbreaking.
- I have a sadness I try and fight and some days it is just too much and gets the better of me.
- I want to scream about my loss, when people ask me how things have been, instead I just smile and say good.
- People notice little things - thicker hair, longer nails, great skin - I get asked what did you do? Some I tell, most I ignore.
- I can't be at large gatherings, I feel stressed and want to run away.
- I don't want to see my friends who don't know, so I don't have to make excuses.
- I suffer headaches 2-4 times a week that last more than 24 hours.
- I am bloated, and want to let people know I am not fat, just bloated from losing a baby.
- I still bleed on and off. A reminder of what has happened.
- I count the days until we can try again and hope my body starts working properly again.
- In the end I really can't get the words out to people who don't know. It is just too hard. And I don't want to hear the opinions some have. Things like it is only mental (hmm, surgery and headaches and bloating, nope not just physical), I already have a child, or it was so early what I am upset about. So I keep quiet.

Maybe the more people understand what it is like - they may understand it was not just a 12.5 week foetus, or a 6 week foetus, or a 4 week implantation that went wrong. It is our children, our babies who we hold in our heart forever more.

What I'm saddest about my baby not being born (and it's probably not what you think)

There is so much sadness and loss with a miscarriage. Sadness over not meeting your child, holding your baby - watching it grow. 

For me I have two big regrets. 

The day after we found out the baby died was my birthday. My husband had a meeting and my son and I went with him. There was a park and lake and it was a beautiful clear winter day. My son and I played on the equipment, laughed at the birds in the lake and watched the people pass. It was at that point that I was so sad I could never show my child, who was still in me but not, the utter beauty we see every day. 

I'm also so sad this child won't be joining our family. Won't have two older brothers who would have doted over them. Who would have been so loved. 

I get reminded of these things and hope my baby somewhere understands. My regrets are about what I could give you rather than what I am missing out on. I miss you  little one. I hope you see the beauty - since you have passed I've seen two double rainbows appear in the sky. That gives me hope. 

When to tell a friendship is really over..

Something that really hit hard after this miscarriage, was that I didn't turn to the friends I once would have turned to. One friend in particular I have known since high school. She has never wanted kids (and has terminated pregnancies - she is ironically very fertile), and never met my son. We were so close once and in my pain I just wanted to turn to her. But she is selfish and going through her own stuff. 

I contacted her through Facebook the other day - and hinted something was wrong. I didn't get a response. I guess after all these years I thought she knew me well enough to know when I was suffering. Maybe I was just unrealistic. I told her flat out something was wrong but I couldn't get the words out - and I realized our friendship was probably dead when she said 'even to me'. 

I'm not sure why but those words irked me. Why her? Why after all this time could I not tell her. Even to her I couldn't talk about it. That told me what I needed to known- it's a friendship no longer.  A few days later and I have heard nothing. She knew I was really scared and worried that I may have to go back into hospital for something. You would think a SMS or message would be the least she would have done (she would never call - that would cost her money). 

Maybe it's my hormones. Or maybe it's life moving on. Or maybe it's my time to move forward. 

Post miscarriage - things I am thankful for

In the world of infertility and loss that I find myself, I hear stories of other women and how they are coping or not coping. So I want to write a list of thanks.

I am thankful that I have had a healthy pregnancy and have the joys and love of my son. I am well too aware of those that have no children in their arms, just in heaven.

I am thankful I have got pregnant twice through IUI - and in short timeframes.

I am thankful I have a body that has a uterus capable of holding a pregnancy, and that I can try again.

I am thankful my depression has not overtaken me with the loss of this child.

I am thankful for an amazing and supportive husband, and the smiles he brings to my life.

I am thankful for the smiles I get from my son - who reminds me no child wants to see a parent sad - not even those in heaven.

I am thankful, that although life can be hard, it can also be amazingly good.

I am thankful for my friends - the ones that know - the ones that support.

I am thankful to my family, for caring as much about the loss of this child as I have.

Some days you just need to remind yourself and be thankful.

Weird things happen when I am pregnant!

Before my husband (DH) and I got married, we broke up for a short while. In that time I had to do a lot of soul healing - and for me that was in the form of meditation. Seeing my white light and healing from there. If you have never done it, do try it. It can be as simple as starting by visualising a burning candle, and then visualising your own energy. It takes time but it was a beautiful healing time - so much that my DH noticed the difference in me when we finally met again - the rest is history.

So why am I telling you this. Well when I started trying for my son, I was very stressed. As I mentioned in my previous IUI post,  the process is very hard mentally. I was a bit of a train wreck and so went back to my visualisation and meditation. When I got pregnant with my son - I knew it had work because I suddenly saw another little energy. The only way I can explain it - it was the purest white light and it was a lovely globe shape. I always cried when I saw that energy - it was just so pure. I freaked myself out when I said to my friend she was pregnant with twins. Two weeks later she confirmed she was pregnant, and two weeks after that she as pregnant with twins. It still shocks me that I could see this - but it seems I only see it when I am pregnant.

So the same thing happened when I got pregnant with my little angel. I saw the energy - but even then it looked wrong to me. Instead of a globe, it looked like it had been strangled in the middle two globes joined in the middle - I thought at the time that maybe it was an identical twin - and didn't think much more about it. The energy of my angel wasn't as strong as my sons, and I just thought to myself I was fooling myself with this idea I could see my childs energy - and I tended to not look for it, as it just felt wrong.

I wonder now - did I see there was something wrong? Did my baby tell me - and I just had no idea? How the do I even see it? I am a scientist, I am rationale, and I shouldn't believe in the estoric world - but sometimes I need to just believe and hope and pray - it is the only way to get through this time.

I hope when I eventually can have a rainbow baby, I will get a sign again, and faith all will be okay. I have no idea how to cope with the stress another pregnancy may bring about, but I know I need to manage it to be able to have another child. Ultrasounds can happen - but I miscarried after 12 weeks, I now feel no time is safe. I got through my sons pregnancy by looking for his energy before I felt him move. I hope I can get back to meditating and using that to calm me down... I just hope I get to experience it all again, even the stress. It is still better than no pregnancy or baby.

What is the strangest thing that has happened to you while pregnant?

I want my nights back

Night has always been a save haven for me. Sleep a comfort and dreams an escape when I needed it. Since the miscarriage a number of things have happened.

I wake up at 4am EVERY MORNING. I don't know why. Did my baby die then, and I am waking then. Is it because the 3/4am time is suppose to be more in tune with other wordly thing. Is it just my hormones causing me to wake every E%%#$ morning?

I dream... last night my dream really got to me. I dreamt I had my baby, and struggled to get my baby to breath or live. I tried it all. I tried to work out if it was a girl or a boy, but my baby was just wrong. My dreams hurt.

And I wake up longing for the lost child.

I hope it gets easier. I am so tired!

PCOS - how I overcame PCOS and won my battle!

I have opened up comments to everyone now! So please feel free to leave a comment. 

My story

When I was 17 (just under 20 years ago) - I was complaining to my doctors how AF (period) was never normal. I was yet to be regular and the answer I kept getting was - "you will grow into it". My Mum mentioned it to her gynaecologist who suspected that I may have a condition that was just starting to be discussed. I was sent off for blood tests and an ultrasound. I still remember that fateful day when the sonographer turned around and told me I had cysts on my ovary and would never have a child.

My world kind of crashed around me that day. I loved kids, wanted to be a mother and generally at the age of 17 - could not deal with it. I cried. And cried. And cried some more. I finally had the appointment with the gynaecologist who explained that I did have a fertility problem - but I was not infertile! It would just be harder for me, and I was at risk of a multiple pregnancy due to my condition releasing more eggs at the same time. I had what they called Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had too much male hormones and little cysts on my ovary - which caused the lack of AF. She could help me by putting me on the pill and seeing how I went. Well Yee-Har! I finally starting to get periods and less facial hair! Six months after starting the pill, I decided to get off it. I ended up with more facial hair and a lack of periods. When I went back to her, she prescribed the pill and another drug. An anti-androgen drug they used to treat men with testicular cancer with (women with PCOS have high androgen hormones - a male hormone). My mum did not want me to go on this drug - and when we said we were not happy things got nasty. I was told I would end up with cervical cancer if I did not take the drug - and she wrote a letter saying it as well. Well what do you do with that? Get a second opinion. There was a great IVF doctor (remember this was the 90s, and fertility medicine was still being pioneered) that a family member had used. I went and saw him, and lo and behold he had just started to work in the field of PCOS (things happen!). He was shocked by the letter and that I had been told I would get cancer and that I had been prescribed the anti-androgen medication. He explained that I was only at risk of cancer, if I let me lining build up by not having a regular period. As long as I was on some sort of birth control, this would not be a problem, and the BC I was on had some anti-androgen properties that would help as well. He told me to come back when I wanted to get pregnant, and he would help me.

The next 13 years, I just accepted my PCOS. With comments from lose some weight and it will fix the problem (down to 58kg and still no AF mister!), I really did not look much more into it. The internet was now very active, and I decided to do a bit of detective work. I read a paper on PCOS that caught my eye - (please read it) - it changed my life!. It discussed the latest finding of PCOS - and what caught my eye was the first page with a title of "Common misconceptions about the polycystic ovary syndrome". Under this heading was  a comment on "You will get cancer". I stopped, read it again, and went - that was me. I finally looked at the author, did a few calls and discovered that it was indeed my saviour doctor - who was now a leading expert in the field. I made an appointment and started on my battle against PCOS.

PCOS - what we now know :
So back when I was first diagnosed they knew it was a syndrome - made up of a whole lot of different things - but they didn't know why. They also saw these cysts on the ovary. Well we know a lot more now.\

1. Most women who have PCOS is due to a hormone imbalance. This is caused by an underlying insulin resistance issue. Insulin is a hormone - and all hormones in your body are on a feedback loop. What that means is if one goes out of balance, the whole system is out of whack. Our cells are not receptive to insulin, so we have too much of that hormone in our blood, which puts us out of whack - and increases our male hormones, which leads to all the problems we find (loss of hair, hair growth, weight gain, fertility issues etc).

2. We don't have "cysts" on our ovary. What we have are unreleased follicles. A follicle is formed when we make eggs, but with PCOS we don't release the egg and we are left with a follicle. I have about 150 across both my ovaries. These cysts also make our ovaries larger - so yes I have big ovaries!

3. Size does not always matter. Women who are thin can have PCOS - but all women with PCOS are likely to put on weight. I have found as I have got older and my IR has got worse, my weight has been more difficult to control.

4. It is an evolutionary thing. Supposedly this evolved from evolution, when we were starved of food, so our body put in a mechanism to store energy for longer. Thanks evolution!

5. Signs you are insulin resistant are - skin tags (those loose flappy bits of  skin - I have them under my arm), and skin darkening (Acanthosis Nigricans) (again I have them under my arm, I could never understand why I always looked like I had a shadow under my arm - it was due to this)

6. You can get pregnant!

7. There are a few other causes - but the majority of women this is the major factor.

8. That depression you get? That is real and caused by our horrid hormones!

9. PCOS is a redundant name.

10. You are at a higher risk of heart disease, diabetes and a variety of other fun stuff. But if you get your IR under control you reduce your risk. You are also at a higher risk of gestational diabetes.


PCOS - how to help:

1. DIET - why is this so important? Well it is all to do with IR. In people with IR our insulin levels raise and stay high, while in normal people it will fall back to normal. Simple diet changes and exercise can get you approximating a nearly normal IR curve. The best diet? The low GI diet. The best book to help you understand it : The New Glucose Revolution.

2. METFORMIN - why is this drug so well used? It is a diabetic drug, used to treat diabetes before people inject themselves with insulin. Something in metformin helps reduce your IR. They don't know what part of the drug it is (it's like hitting a nail with a sledgehammer) but it works. Ask for the slow release (XR version) as it is much gentler on the tummy. You also want to be on it for when you are trying to conceive in the first trimester, as it helps regulate your hormones and prevent a miscarriage.

3. GOLF BALLING/OVARIAN DRILLING - this is something I had done, after the top two got my IR down to near normal levels (yay!) but I still had irregular AF and very painful periods. I was sure I had endo (but thankfully I don't!). This surgery came around as they use to first treat women with PCOS but slicing off the "cysts" of the ovary - it was called a wedge resection. Most of the time they actually killed the ovary - but in a small amount of women, this procedure got their ovary to heal and start working again. Ovarian Drilling was a modified version of this, where they drill holes into your ovary to try and get them to kick start. It is great if you are having problems conceiving, as you are very fertile after the procedure, but it only lasts about 3 years. There are risks - if your doctor doesn't know what they are doing they can kill your ovary. It was a hard choice for me to make but I went with it. He also did a D&C - and found out why I wasn't getting AF on my own. My lining was FULL of hormones which was interfering in my cycles. Within about 6 months of my surgery I was getting a semi-regular AF (at least one every 4-6 weeks!). This procedure is rarely done these days!

4. DETOX DIET - I swear by this. The best way I can explain our fertility is that our bodies are under so much pressure. When we feed it bad food, our digestive system is under stress, and our entire system is focussed on dealing with that. The system that gets the least attention is our reproductive system. PCOS bodies love good food and exercise. If you are having problems think about a detox to get rid of all those bad hormones and kick starting your reproductive system.

5. MISCARRIAGES - are real and happen at a much higher rate when you have PCOS. PCOS related miscarriages seem to be due to the hormonal imbalances at the end of your period. High hormones cause a spontaneous loss - but metformin stops this effectively. My loss was unlikely to be due to my PCOS due to it being much further in the pregnancy.

6. FERTILITY TREATMENTS - can be as simple as clomid, or as intense as IVF - but a lot of the time clomid and metformin get PCOS women pregnant and keep it that way.

7. IT IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE!! I have met women who have cried their life is over due to PCOS. It isn't - it just may not be as easy :)
 

I have come such a long way from just treating it with the pill. I have not been on the pill since I was 30, I have regular AF, and two pregnancies! I never had gestational diabetes, and I am hoping to have more children born healthy. I have never been obese, though at times a little heavier than I like. I understand my moods - caused by my hormones, and I have chosen to try and treat the underlying cause (IR) rather than the symptoms (by using the pill).

Disclaimer - I am not a medical doctor, please consult your doctor for all concerns!

Things I have learnt about infertility, IUI and IVF - besides how rough it can be!

First off I have to mention I am not a medical doctor. If I was chances are I wouldn't be writing this post! I do however have a PhD in molecular biology, have studied developmental genetics and generally do a lot of research into things. So I decided to write this post to answer a lot of the questions I have had and that many people seem to have about the IUI process (and the difference with IVF). I also want people to know how hard this process is emotionally and physically. It takes a real toll on you mind and body.

So far I have had 5 IUI's and 2 pregnancies - so I have had a 40% success rate. Most IUI clinics have lower rates - on average they give you a 20% chance on every cycle. You need to do at least 3-4 cycles before throwing in the towel and moving onto IVF - because of these statistics. And you need to remember these statistics come from couples who are having problems conceiving, so they will be lower. My son was conceived after 3 IUI's, and my angel baby after 2. I am praying my next baby works after one - so I can have a 50% success rate. Now that would be awesome!

There are a variety of different ways you can do IUI.
1. Natural cycle - no medications taken, you wait until you have your surge (when your egg will be released) and go into the clinic and have your insemination.
2. Clomid cycle - you will be on a tablet - where they may or may not monitor you closely.  Again they will wait till you surge (or give you a shot to make you surge) and you will go in for an insemination.
3.  Injectable cycle (what I did) - you inject yourself daily with medications and will be monitored closely. They will give you a shot to make you surge/ovulate and you will go in for an insemination. I will be discussing this process below.

What happens before the process:
Each clinic is different. But most will do something along these lines. Please check with your clinic on how they will treat you. They will do blood tests on you and your partner to check you have no infections or underlying problems. They will also do a sperm analysis to see if your partners sperm is high enough and motile enough to get pregnant without IVF. They will also do some sort of internal check - normally a day procedure - to check for scarring, blocked tubes and endometriosis (and maybe some other things never mentioned to me!). They will then let you know if you are suitable for IUI. You then wait for AF (Aunt Flo - your period) and call the clinic when it arrives.

Day 3 of your cycle:
You will go in and they will check that you are not pregnant and that you have no cysts on your ovary. If you have cysts they will cancel your cycle - and may put you on birth control pills. If all is okay they will tell you how much medication to inject yourself. This is a hormone which helps ripen up those eggs! The first cycle you do is always hit or miss. Due to them not knowing how your body will respond to the medications, they need to monitor you and see how you go. They may up your meds if you don't respond, or cancel your cycle if you over respond (more on that later).

Day 3-14 of your cycle:
At some point you will go back in and they will check you to see how many and how big your follicles are. You may then be asked to come back in, or be told to give yourself your hcg/ovidrel shot (pregnancy hormone which will make you surge and release your egg (ovulate)). They will then do your insemination.

Day of IUI:
Your partner will need to give a sample that morning (unless they have a frozen sample), which they will clean and prepare. You will go in a few hours later where hey will insert a catheter into your uterus and inject you partners sperm into you. You may find you bleed and cramp a little after. That is normal!

About 3 days post IUI :
They will test your progesterone levels. This tells them if you ovulated. It tells nothing more. I have great progesterone levels, but still need progesterone support as my hormone levels drop off too early for my to sustain a pregnancy. I also have had sky high levels without being pregnant. Lesson : Don't read into it!!

About 14-16 days after IUI:
If AF has not arrived you can go in for a blood test to find out if you are pregnant (if you haven't tested already).


So that is the nuts and bolts of it.

The fine print :
The whole process is torturous. The first part of your cycle you are constantly worried if you will be over stimulated. What does that mean? Well it means you produce too many follicles. They will cancel a cycle if you have over 3 follicles where I live - and I highly recommend you don't go ahead. I have just read a story of a woman - desperate for twins - who had 10 follicles, and went ahead and now has a suspected quintuplet (yes 5) pregnancy. She is at high risk of losing all the babies, needing a reduction or losing her own life. As much as we want a pregnancy, be aware that lots of follicles can result in a high multiple pregnancy. And that is ten times worse than a cancelled cycle. I don't envy this woman or the choices she will have to make.

The hormones make you Crazy! With a capital C! I cried, I screamed, I wanted to throw my husband out of the house. Just some of the fun of the party.

The two week wait is horrible. Dr. Google is NOT your friend. You will find out soon enough, just try and have faith!

Can I do a pregnancy test with a home kit? Yes you can - but be aware the trigger has pregnancy hormone. On average a 10,000 unit injection of ovidrel will take about 10 days to get out of your system (1,000U a day), but changes with different people due to your metabolism. So if you test too early you may have a false positive. I tended to test at home at 12/13dpiui (12/13 days post IUI).

What if it doesn't work? You can jump straight into another cycle as long as they are happy you have no cysts (or large cysts). I had a baby one when I went in for my third cycle and got my son :)

Find a support group. Some great support sites are around with women going through what you are going through - have a look for them.

IUI is great if you end up pregnant as you are so closely monitored! Lots of blood tests, scans and a hopefully supportive doctor to help you through your first trimester.

So what about IVF?

The big difference is you are on a lot more drugs on IVF. They want lots of eggs - so you are on much higher doses of the same drugs, as well as drugs to stop you from surging and releasing eggs early. You then go in for surgery where they will aspirate (collect) your eggs as they are starting to be released (once they are released they can't collect them). The eggs and sperm are mixed together, monitored and then some are put back into you. It is a much harder process than IUI physically, and the mental challenges are still there.

Final disclaimer: 
Each clinic has it's own protocol. I have written about my experience and what I have learnt. Please contact your clinic if you feel something is wrong, or you have more questions. This can be an expensive process, depending on where you live - and you need to feel comfortable in what you are being offered.

This is not medical advice or guidance. Contact your clinic for more advice.

Any other hints or tips out there on how it went for you?

A tough weekend

This weekend seemed to be really tough. It started with some bleeding and cramping and a rush to the doctor. I was given a referral for an ultrasound - which I was dreading. To see an empty uterus - I wasn't ready for that. Things subsided and so far I haven't gone for my ultrasound. I just feel like my body is reminding me of what has happened. I can try and move on - but I'm not sure my body will let me. 

I also worked today. A job I did when I had just fallen pregnant. It made me think I had fallen pregnant as I couldn't do the job properly. Today I got to be in the same place knowing I should be sitting and  showing off a belly. Instead I saw little babies, pregnant women and photos of newborns. I rushed around carrying stuff thinking I shouldn't be doing any of this. I should have my baby in my belly and I should be taking it easy. I cried on the way home. I feel so flat now. I really miss my baby. I want to move forward but I can't sleep properly. I feel sick all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. it gets easier doesn't it?

A first post - a post of loss (warning - miscarriage mentioned)

About two weeks ago I was quite excited to have finally got to my 12 week scan. I was 13 weeks along, and couldn't wait to share my news, as the next day was my birthday! And what a birthday gift I thought I had! This baby like my first was an IUI baby. It is a process in which I inject myself with hormones to help produce eggs as well as release them, and then my husbands sperm is inseminated into me. The cycle seemed perfect (my second cycle after the first failed), and I had already had a 6 and 7 week scan showing a perfect bub. It wouldn't be till 12 weeks till my next scan, but some spotting at 10 weeks had me rushing to an ultrasound where I saw my little baby moving and wriggling and waving it's little arms around. A wonderful heartbeat and perfect growth.

I remembered later that I did wake up the morning of the scan, with a feeling something went wrong. I went to the bathroom to check bleeding (there was none) and reminded myself the chance of miscarriage at 13 weeks after having a perfect scan at 10 weeks was less than 5% (and I have even read 1%). I completely put it out of my mind for when I finally got up. When we entered the room (my husband and son), the ultrasound technician asked how I was feeling (she did my 10 week scan) and I wanted to say I had some strange feelings below - but I didn't. I thought I was just over reacting. The scan started and she said the baby was asleep and was facing my back. It was in a bad position and I did wonder why I couldn't see the heart beating. I asked if it measured right - as it looked small to me, but she said the measurements were perfect. She then did an internal as the baby would not move position. And then an external. And then those words (or to this effect). "I have to be honest, I am having problems with this scan, I can't find a heartbeat and your baby won't move. I was stumped as it did measure correctly, but I am sorry this pregnancy is no longer viable". She gave us a moment. In a daze I got up, cleaned myself up, grabbed my son and walked out with my husband. I asked when did it die? And she said in the last few days, if that. We then went home and I just sat there.

I prayed my body would allow me to miscarry. So I would know for sure. I wanted to see my baby, hold it and let it know it was loved. But I never got that chance. I was booked in for a suction curette a week later - and by that time I knew. My uterus felt smaller, I could lie on my stomach, and generally I knew it was over. I would have been 14 weeks. I walked into the surgery trying to be brave but as they injected into me the anaesthetic all I could hope for was to go to sleep. I remember waking, and within a few moments crying again. My baby was really gone. And I had nothing left to remember it by. Just some early ultrasounds and my love in my heart for my little one.

I still am in shock that the supposed "12 week" mark is not as safe as it seems. I am so glad our scan was at 13 and not 12 weeks. I don't know what would have happened had I had a perfect scan to lose the baby suddenly. At least I had time to prepare. Time to say goodbye.

It now just over a week and I am trying to heal. Trying to move forward. Trying to be strong for the family that is here. But it is hard. I feel this longing and missing of this child. A child I was convinced was a girl - a much longed for daughter. But I cry at the thought of another son - a little brother to my amazing boy. I am trying to forgive myself, for reasons I will explain in future blogs.


I will post a lot more about my infertility issues caused by PCOS. And post a past blog about how I got pregnant with my son - and that journey, as it may help others. But right now I need to share my story of loss.